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KC Chimps Escape Highway Shooter

Kansas City, MO – Seven chimpanzees attempted to escape the area to avoid random shootings that have been plaguing the area for several weeks. The chimps successfully used a tree limp to escape the Kansas City Zoo, but were apprehended with food and the promise of improved security. “The chimps have a valid point. I […]

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Drury Audience Amused with Duke Coach’s Name

Springfield, MO – Fans of Drury basketball were entertained this weekend by a tricky college basketball name, Mike Krzyzewskie. “Ker-zoo-ski, sure had a heck of a team. Sounds like he walked into a good recruiting situation…I couldn’t imagine most families sending their sons off to play for someone who they couldn’t even pronounce. ‘My son […]

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President Obama Weighs in on Kewpies Mascot Name

Columbia, MO – President Barack Obama says he would “think about changing” the Hickman Kewpies’ mascot name if he went to school there as he waded into the controversy involving a word many consider offensive to naked babies everywhere. Obama, in an interview with The Associated Press, said school names such as the Kewpies offend […]

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Horoscopes – October

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River of Cashew Chicken Gravy Discovered Beneath Downtown Springfield!

Springfield, MO – Culinary scientists have recently uncovered a rare and fantastic discovery running beneath the streets of downtown Springfield: a river of cashew chicken gravy! The discovery was made following a recent sinkhole collapse near South and Park Central Streets. The cavern is now opened to a depth of 30’ where a steady stream […]

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Panhandling Parking Meters Installed Downtown

Springfield, MO – City officials have unveiled new talking parking meters to hustle donations for the general public in an attempt to curb aggressive panhandling. The hope is if a panhandler sees a citizen giving to the meter instead of to the panhandler requesting funds, the panhandler will leave, thus reducing the problem. Downtown and […]

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State Park Debuts Pontoon Parasailing

Table Rock Lake, MO – Lake enthusiasts are now able to rent a pontoon boat and send daredevils into the sky via a parasail device connected to the back of the boat. State Park Marina began offering the combo package last weekend and interest in rentals has increased by 64%. “We see a lot of […]

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Boils Advisory for Ozark, MO

  Ozark, MO – A problem with the water has prompted a boils advisory for the City of Ozark. The City says the advisory affects residents who have skin, hair follicles or those who are prone to be near bacteria. According to the city’s website, the advisory is in place to slow the boils spread […]

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Nation’s First Open Jug Law Enacted in Christian County

  Ozark, MO – Caving to pressure from local lobbyist efforts, Christian County has agreed to allow open jugs without penalty starting June 3rd. Influential groups of Ozarkers have been calling for the leniency for years suggesting that native people were being denied their ancestral right to carry around a moonshine jug without fear of […]

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Prancercising Man Trampled By Horse

Springfield, MO – A local man attempting to prancercise was run down and trampled by a horse. Witnesses said the horse was horrified that any human would employ “a springy, rhythmic way of moving forward, similar to a horse’s gait” for exercise and immediately bolted toward the man nostrils flared, head down. “I’ve never seen […]

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Mike McMichaelson Inspirational Speaker

Happy Birthday Springfield… As we approach the 175 year mark of our Queen City, I thought I would take these next few moments to paint a picture of the Springfield I remember and put together my own version of the Springfield’s Best.  So, let’s walk back through time shall we and reflect on some of […]

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Fantastic Caverns Hosts Storm Refugees

Springfield, MO – Hordes of people have flocked to the ancient tornado protection grounds known commercially as Fantastic Caverns. Citizens and local government have relocated temporarily to avoid dangerous storms and will remain submerged until the storm season passes in October. “I’ve heard of entire mobile homes driven into the caves, there is an entire […]

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“Mom-Seat-Belt” Formed Across The Ozarks

Springfield, MO – In a touching show of motherly support, thousands of people aged 2 to 92 extended their right arm across the person’s chest to the right of them, thereby forming the largest mom-seat-belt chain in the world. The mom-seat-belt stretched nearly 19 miles and ran from downtown Springfield to the square in Ozark, […]

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Locals Disagree Over Use of Train Junk in Jordan Valley Renovations

Springfield, MO – Jordan Valley: West Meadows is currently entering the first stages of receiving a major cleanup and redevelopment. The once thriving rail way is being transformed into a new park and greenway for the city of Springfield. Efforts are currently underway to recycle abandoned train garbage and filter soils contaminated by overturned boxcars […]

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First Name Basis Only Commercial Zone on Campbell Ave.

Springfield, MO – Sam’s, Casey’s, Freddy’s, Andy’s, and Famous Dave’s are taking advantage of specially zoned area on either side of south Campbell avenue, accessible via the gateway to first name business land: James River Expressway. Companies whose dba reflects a male or female first name have been incented to locate along this strip of […]