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RSSArchive for October, 2009

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Nixa Hellhound Tracked to Camp Winoka

Springfield, MO—Paul the Nixa Hellhound has been seen bathing in the springs at Winoka Lodge, better known as Camp Winoka. The camp has been closed after rumors spread that several girl scouts were brutally murdered, however, conspiracy theorists claim the story was fabricated to protect the Nixa Hellhound habitat after it claimed the area as […]

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Albino Farm to Open Tanning Salon

Springfield, MO—Legendary spook site, the Albino Farm at Springlawn Farm, has a brand new surprise for the area, a tanning salon. Albi-No-More is set to open this Saturday, the 31st. The so-called Albino Farm has for years been notorious in legend for being haunted, by either an albino ghost caretaker, or an albino ghost family, […]

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Black-Eyed Kids Eat Free at Incredible Pizza

Springfield, MO—America’s Incredible Pizza Company, located at 2850 S. Campbell Avenue, has announced that all Black-Eyed Kids eat free every Tuesday from 5-10 pm. A new Black-Eyed Kids buffet menu has been implemented and executives hope that the new promotion will provide a safe place for the BEK to find ample nourishment. “The Missouri Ozarks […]

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Government Official Confirms Alien Cover-Up In Missouri

Cape Girardeau, MO—Since 1941 government officials have successfully concealed an alien crash landing in the Ozarks. The activities and actions that spring night helped shape the response to the Roswell, NM cover-up six years later in 1947. “Really, we couldn’t have asked for a better ‘dress rehearsal’ than the crash cover-up in Southeast Missouri,” said […]

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Vampire Underground Holds Open House

Springfield, MO—The Ozarks very own Vampire Underground will be holding an open house this Halloween week welcoming community members, vampire queens and other “humans” who might need an “awakening”. The meeting will be held at Hell’s Church in Springfield’s subterranean Jordan Creek Tunnel that runs under downtown. Vampire Underground members David, Paul, Marko, and Dwayne […]

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Villages at Wicklow Welcome Madmartigan

Nixa, MO—According to his agent, the boastful mercenary swordsman Madmartigan, has purchased a house in the Nixa community known as the Villages at Wicklow. Madmartigan plans to move into the new home with his wife Sorsha and adopted daughter Elora before years’ end. The Ozarks have been home to several famous people, however this is […]

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Vaccine Vendors Flourish on “Swine Flu”

Springfield, MO—Street vendors are seeing an increase in business this autumn as the flow of H1N1 vaccine has come to a trickle here in the Ozarks. According to public health officials, doses are now only available via physicians or from hospitals. Those seeking immediate vaccination have turned to the streets, specifically underground vaccine vendors. “H1N1 […]

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Train Wreck Politician Sells Out

Point Lookout, MO—All available Sarah Palin tickets have been snapped up by local Ozarkers, curious to see the woman who dashed Republican hopes of another run in the White House during the 2008 Presidential election. Governor Palin is scheduled to address a crowd at College of the Ozarks December 2, as a featured speaker in […]

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MO D.O.C. Reports Positive Economic Numbers

Jefferson City, MO—Missouri‘s Department of Corrections has announced that the state’s prison population has reached an all-time high amid poor economic conditions. This is the first report from a government agency regarding positive growth since mid-2007. The Department director attributes the fantastic growth numbers to an increase in criminal activity, due to soul-crushing economic pressures. […]

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Christian County Assessor’s Bad Hair Convicted

Ozark, MO—Christian County Assessor, Sandra Bryant-Littles, has been convicted for not assessing her own crazy hair-do. Fashion police visited the perp after she was indicted by a federal grand jury for failing to report taxable property. In a related case, her husband and farm hand are indicted for reporting a false claim of cattle theft. […]

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MSU to Sell JQH Arena, Cut Majors

Springfield, MO—In a bid to secure funding for 2010, Missouri State University president Michael Neitzel plans to sell university assets, the first to go is JQH arena. Said Neitzel, “I’m having our finance department run the numbers and we can get quite a bit of chump change for that airplane hangar on our campus.” When […]

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Dancing, Singing Scam Artists Threaten Homeowners

Springfield, MO—Citizens are being warned of scam artists posing as chimney sweeps this fall. Homeowners should be particularly warey of groups of chimney sweeps who travel the country singing catchy tunes while performing choreographed dance routines. Said one would-be victim Seth Goldrun, “I invited a man named Bert into my house who offered to sweep […]

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Dam Engineers Skipping Rocks

Branson, MO— Excess water continues to roar through spillway gates at Table Rock Dam, creating a rare opportunity for engineers to blow off some steam by skipping rocks off the vast overflow going through the dam gates. “I tossed one stone into the top of the gate and it hopped 4 times before splashing down […]

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Fremont Hills to Purchase Surplus Springfield Land

Springfield, MO—The City of Fremont Hills is looking to purchase surplus property from the City of Springfield. Springfield has surplus property that it is looking to discard in exchange for some much needed cash reserves to supplement the Police-Fire Pension Fund. Fremont Hills has placed sealed bids on the first group of properties for sale. […]

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Swing Right Golf Adds Water Hazard

Springfield, MO—Local driving range and miniature golf course business, Swing Right Golf, added a new water hazard last week. Water hazards, like bunkers, are natural obstacles designed to add both beauty and difficulty to a golf course. Swing Right Golf owners reportedly wanted to increase the profile of the practice course by situating a natural […]