All Entries Tagged With: "Government"
Salvation Army Invades Iowa to Secure Funding
Springfield, MO – Citing a lack of donations, the local chapter of the Salvation Army has invaded Iowa to make up a 20% difference in fundraising this year. Red Kettle Special Forces landed on the ground a few days ago to secure additional funding for the agency. “Mission Bell Ringer is an attempt to bring [...]
OCCUPY SPRINGFIELD OCCUPIES HERITAGE CAFETERIA
Springfield, MO – Hungry, short on options, and fatigued from shouldering their pithy posters, The General Assembly of Occupy Springfield has made the decision to occupy the Heritage Cafeteria on Battlefield Road during store hours, Monday through Saturday. Gladys Spock, provisional spokesperson for the local chapter of the national movement, cited several reasons why [...]
Billy Long Jumps Into Presidential Race; Causes 5.8 Earthquake
Springfield, MO – According to members of his staff, US Congressman Billy Long has jumped into the Presidential Race with both feet, triggering a terrifying and destructive 5.8 magnitude earthquake in Washington, D.C. this week. “When I heard Billy Long was now it the race, my whole body shook with fear,” said Norma Henkly who [...]
Neighbor Chokes Man’s Chicken
Springfield, MO— Apparently it isn’t just City Council who is evenly divided over the decision allowing up to six chickens to be boarded in the city limits. Residents of the affluent Highland Springs Country Club gated community watched in horror late yesterday as two of their own residents, 34-year-old Reginald “Reggie” Waddlesworth, a prominent stay-at-home-dad, [...]
Biden Visit “Big Effin’ Deal”
Springfield, MO—On Thursday Vice President Joe Biden was greeted by Springfield residents with a huge banner that read “Have a nice Effin’ Visit”. Biden, who will attend a private fundraiser for Senate hopeful Robin Carnahan (D), has only a few hours scheduled in the Ozarks before he zips off to another campaign stop in Seattle, [...]
Springfield City Council Approves Calumet City Loan
Springfield MO- With some reservations about the plan, Springfield city council voted unanimously for a loan for the redevelopment plan for Calumet City, an abandoned Hot Dog Stand located in downtown Springfield behind the main post office. The developer, Ken McCow has already received a $3 million dollar loan from the Missouri Development Board as [...]
Businessman Offers to Not Develop Heer’s Building for Fifty Dollars
Springfield, MO—Local maverick businessman, Sonny Pomade, showed up at Monday night’s Springfield City Council meeting and offered to not develop the controversial Heer’s Building for a mere fifty dollars. “I just felt it was my duty to take the burden of not moving forward with the renovation on my own shoulders,” Pomade commented, as he [...]
Ravenwood South Secedes From City, State, Union
Springfield, MO—On Monday, the Ravenwood South neighborhood association voted to secede from the City Of Springfield, the state of Missouri and the Union in a 7-1 vote. The association claimed that mounting city, national and state government debts are burdening the neighborhood, and “our homeowners deserve a chance to try to govern ourselves.” Ravenwood South [...]
Vast Potpourri of Names Offered for Springfield Gateway
Springfield, MO—The Jordan Valley Advisory Committee has offered up six distinctly different choices for citizens to consider in the new quarry redevelopment project. They include: Jordan Valley East Gateway Plaza, Jordan Valley Gateway Plaza, Gateway Plaza at Jordan Valley, The Commons at Jordan Valley, East Greens at Jordan Valley and The Quarry at Jordan Valley. [...]
Officials Claim Heer’s Building “Too Big To Fail”
Springfield, MO – In what might be viewed as a controversial move by local citizens, Springfield City Council has determined that the Heer‘s building is “too big to fail” and plans to inject cash into the project immediately and for the foreseeable future. “What many so-called “common people” don’t seem to get is just how [...]
City Dyes South Avenue Green
Springfield, MO—City officials announced they plan to dye South Avenue kelly green in observance of St. Patrick’s Day. Citing the lack of a central river bisecting the city, the government has decided to go with the next best option: a prominent downtown street. Mayor Jim O’Neal said, “Given my last name has an ‘O’ and [...]
2012, Hobos Delay Heer’s Tower Development
Springfield, MO—The Heer’s Tower was dealt another setback this week as developer Kevin McGowan failed to meet a critical deadline risking the possibility that development of the historic building will not occur before the end of the world in 2012. After several deadline extensions, McGowan’s company, Blue Urban, failed to meet another chance for an [...]
O’Neal’s Springfield Cage Match To Raise City Funds
Springfield, MO—In light of the recent economic downturn that the entire nation is enduring, Springfield Mayor Jim O’Neal has come up with a unique way to boost both the morale and coffers of the Queen City. In a bold and unprecedented departure from “politics as usual” Mayor O’Neal has publicly called out the mayors of [...]
Middle Aged Woman’s Head Explodes Due to Celebrity Appearances
Springfield, MO—Early Friday morning Julie Trumble, a middle aged woman, experienced a head explosion as she realized three of her favorite celebrities were in the Ozarks. Sarah Palin, Kathleen Turner, and John Tesh have all graced the Queen City with their presence over the past few days, causing hysteria and general hoopla within the female [...]
Local High School Student Thinks Sarah Palin is “way cool.”
by Staciey Johnson On Wednesday, Sarah Palin is coming to town and I think that is, like, way cool. I mean, there is totally nothing to do in this town and it is so freaking boring! Like, since minors can’t get into freaking anywhere downtown, this is the only exciting thing a teen can go [...]
