All Entries in the "Health" Category
Chili Cook-off Releases Giant Fart-Plagues City
Springfield, MO—A grotesque stench filled the Ozarks after the 29th annual Sertoma Club’s chili cook-off propelled a great brown cloud of turd-flavored air into the atmosphere. The Springfield Expo Center was exposed to the most foul and most expected form of gaseous discharge as dozens of local vendors gathered together to prepare gastro-igniting chili dishes [...]
Jerichoholics Anonymous Meeting This Sunday
Springfield, MO – This past December, local talk radio station KSGF fired beloved morning show host, Vincent David Jericho. Fans of the local celebrity have come together in this difficult time to form Jerichoholics Anonymous. Their first meeting will be this Sunday.
“Vincent David Jericho was a hero in this community! He was a true American [...]
St. John’s Black Friday Sale Discounts Healthcare
Springfield, MO—Early morning Black Friday shoppers lined up to receive up to discounted medical care last week at St. John’s Hospital. Hundreds of shoppers braved the weather camping out all night waiting for the special healthcare deals to kick in at 5 am.
“People started lining up at 8 pm the night before, staking their claim [...]
Doctor Collects Lightning for Experiments at Shrine Mosque
Springfield, MO—Local physician Dr. Fran Kenstine has located his new practice in the basement of the Shrine Mosque and has yet to announce formal office hours or accept any patients. In fact, no one has been seen coming or going from the clinic since it opened earlier this month.
“I think he must be working on [...]
Workout Clothes Make Man Look Fat
Springfield, MO—While dressing to prepare for a workout at the south side YMCA, local man Kurt Tressel said, “these workout clothes make me look fat”. Looking fat and feeling fat the man traveled to the workout center in his automobile early Friday morning.
While resting his breakfast of champions little black donut package on his beer [...]
H1N1: the New Black Plague
Springfield, MO—The Springfield-Greene County Health Department’s released this week’s health update yesterday. The Fight the Flu Web site has new documents on influenza and asthma, as well as “What to do When you Think You Have the Flu.” The H1N1 update is below.
All people who are suspected of having the swine flu, or H1N1, should [...]
McCaskill Forum Solves Healthcare Issues
Springfield, MO—During a town hall meeting in downtown Springfield, Missouri Sen. Claire McCaskill solved a proposed government-run health insurance plan with the help of well-spoken, vocal citizens at the historic Gilloiz theater.
“I came to the conclusion that we could offer a program that would satisfy the needs of everyone in attendance. I cannot wait to [...]
Drive-Thru Medicine Now On Value Menu
Branson, MO—Skaggs Regional Medical Center in Branson has scheduled drive-through flu shot clinics beginning Sept. 26. Those seeking medical attention need only drive their car through the medicinal markers, place their order via the two-way speaker and proceed to the first window to pay, then to the second window to receive treatment.
“It was really cool, [...]
Residents Urged Not to Handle Fire, etc.
Strafford, MO—Health officials are warning people not to handle fire, broken glass, hazardous material, dirty needles, poison or unknown chemicals after “pretty dancing lights” burned two Strafford area residents when they tried to grasp the illumination, otherwise known as “flames from a fire” last week. The Springfield-Greene County Health Department would like to remind [...]
Thankfully, Business and Tourism Protected at Lake of the Ozarks
OSAGE BEACH, MO—A state agency acknowledges it withheld a report for four weeks that showed the Lake of the Ozarks had E. coli above safe levels. Fortunately, The Missouri Department of Natural Resources withheld the report around Memorial Day due to concern that the release would hurt tourism and businesses around the lake.
“Thankfully, the DNR [...]
Ozarks Tanning Salon Adds Biopsy Service
Springfield—When customers started canceling their appointments to “get that thing looked at,” David Hutch saw an opportunity.
“My clientele is very busy with the lake, performances, etc., and they need a one-stop solution for all their tanning and cancer screening needs,” states Hutch.
The new service, now available at his four Tan Aura locations, allows customers to [...]
Long Wait for Cox South ER
Springfield—After 25 years Cox South plans to open a new ER facility in 2010. Some patients waiting to receive medical treatment at the hospital would say that a quarter of a century is how long they usually wait to see a doctor.
“I had two axe handles wedged in my throat, three gunshot wounds and a [...]
Buckingham’s “Catch the Swine Fever” Campaign Cancelled Due to Poor Timing
Buckingham’s new print and television campaign titled “Catch the Swine Fever” has been cancelled today due to the outbreak of Swine Flu that is plaguing Mexico, Asia, and parts of the United States.
The campaign with the mottos: “Catch The Swine Fever”, “Swine Fever Will Getcha”, “Swine Fever…Catch It”, “Food So Good You Won’t Want To [...]
