All Entries in the "Health" Category
Greene County Health Inspectors Saves Day Again
Springfield, MO- Citizens of the busy metropolis know has Springfield can once again breath easy thanks to the vigilance of Health Inspectors. The group of heroes has been thwarting schemes of various organizations since their founding in 1953. Their first leader, war-hero Rex Kingshot, formed the group after a fallen, radioactive meteor granted him the [...]
Nuns Hospitalized for Heat Exhaustion at Non-Bikini Car Wash
Springfield, MO- Three nuns were hospitalized yesterday when an ill-planned fundraiser went totally awry. The nuns where brought in for heat exhaustion after washing numerous cars in their full nun attire (habits). Due to the excesses heat, humidity, and modesty the nuns faced dehydration as well as numerous other problems. “We just wanted to make [...]
Success of Hearing Museum on C-Street Spawns New Sensory Museums
Springfield, MO – Tucked away on E. Commercial Street for years, the History of Hearing Museum has been a go to place for aural enthusiasts, from those with hearing-aids to music audio-philes. The gallery contains a treasure trove of hearing technology from by-gone eras. While some may be confused by its name, the History of [...]
Earthlings Overlook Earth Day
Springfield, MO – Most people overlooked the Earth Day celebration in the Ozarks however many took specific actions to impact their direct effect on our local ecosystem. Loni Urtangers said, “I thought long and hard while I showered for 2 hours trying to come up with something I could do to better the environment, then [...]
Facial Follicle Fashion Competition This Weekend!
Springfield, MO – For those fascinated with facial follicle fashion, get ready to face some serious competition! Competitors from around the Ozarks are gathering at Patton Alley Pub this Saturday to prove that their genetic coding has superior follicle frolicking. Queen City Beards hosts the event and expects several male and female entries this year. [...]
Surgical Supply Company Uses Ninjas
Springfield, MO – According to the back of a van, Hankins Surgical Supply employs ninjas to deliver surgical supplies. The quiet, quick and efficient distribution network is responsible for putting surgical supplies into surgeon’s hands before they even know they need it. “Long ago, ninjas were in high demand for their fierce fighting style and [...]
Kaleidoscope Pierces Building Just Because It Can
Springfield, MO – Local trend-setting retail shop Kaleidoscope pierced an entire building just because they can. The building piercing was executed under supervision of several construction supervisors and 2 health inspectors. The piercing was performed as a promotional event to emphasize how piercings can be applied just about anywhere. “Yeah I hired Kaleidoscope to pierce [...]
Block of OTC morning-after pill sparks outrage
Springfield, Mo. – On the eve of final exam week, hundreds of angry instructors and students at Ozarks Technical Community College (OTC) gathered on the campus plaza and other areas to protest the school’s ban of a medication designed to deaden the feelings of loss and despair associated with final exams. Protesters said the action [...]
Mighty Blue Beacon Lost in Night’s Sky
Springfield, MO – Local ambulances, patients and hospital visitors to St. John’s have had extreme difficulty locating the healthcare institution since the giant illuminated cross has been extinguished atop the structure. The cross served as a beacon of sorts, leading the infirm to a place of healing and hope. “I wandered the black night searching [...]
Local Gnome Humping Spree Spreads Gonorrhea
Springfield, MO – According to the Springfield Greene County Health Department, gonorrhea cases have increased a whopping 20% over the last month. Experts have identified the Gono-Gnome as the disease transmitter – a small sexually active beast that attacks teenagers, young adults and African Americans with little regard for safety or personal hygiene. [...]
Springfield Dentists to Decide What to Do With 3000 Pulled Teeth
Springfield, MO – After the free dental clinic this weekend local dentist have to decide what to do with nearly 3000 pulled teeth. The dentists are submitting ideas at their super-secret dentist meetings this Thursday in the basement of Richard’s Candy House (which they super secretly own to drum-up more business). The ideas range [...]
2,000 People Got They Grillz Did
Springfield, MO – Over 200 dentist banded together last week to provide fake gold teeth, removable gold grills, platinum teeth, and gold grillz to hundreds of Missourians who otherwise might not have been able to afford them. Many people waited as long as 22 hours outside the Ozark Empire Fairgrounds in hopes of [...]
Public Health Strengthened through Provocative Team Name
Springfield, MO – Recently, “The Poopshooters” joined the Y.M.C.A. co-ed adult basketball league and have been turning more than one head. Consisting entirely of area proctologists, this new team is gaining attention not only by their basketball skills, but by their message. Team captain Dr. Larry Schuler is proud of their little play [...]
Springfield Doctors Embrace Fox News Study
Springfield, MO – Patients gathered in waiting rooms across Springfield may be surprised to find out they’re participating in an on-going experiment to measure the short-term effects of watching Fox News Channel. The study requires patients to sit in a waiting room for at least 20 minutes while being exposed to Fox News. When the [...]
Local Couple Gets Married in Order to Have Sex
Springfield (MO) – Jordan Darrow and Cassidy Nash (now Darrow) were married last Saturday in a beautiful ceremony, in Springfield, MO. When asked how the couple knew it was time to “tie the knot,” Darrow (age 20) and his new bride (age 19) agreed: it was time that they finally had sex with each [...]
