All Entries in the "Crime" Category
Visitors Streak to See Jordan Valley Park Nekkid Woman
Springfield, MO – Jordan Valley Park, located in the heart of town, is an urban meadow vast enough to find places for solitude, places to socialize and over the past few months has become a place to see a not-too-shabby lookin’ nekkid lady running around flashin’ what her momma gave her. Visitors to the park [...]
Authorities Search for Sidewalk ‘Teabagger’
Springfield, MO – Police have a simple warning for whoever is leaving their mark on all of the freshly poured pedestrian paths: “keep your junk off of our sidewalks”. The recent rash of testicular vandalism was first reported near the corner of Campbell & Walnut Lawn by Edna Lewis. Edna noticed the twin divots when [...]
Criminals Anxiously Await Night Out Celebrations
Springfield, MO – Thousands of local citizens will gather in public places to heighten crime prevention awareness, strengthen neighborhood spirit and police-community partnerships, and generate support for participation in local anticrime programs…while criminals ransack their unoccupied homes. “This is seriously, like the best thing to ever happen to us,” said criminal Bluto Snatchnsuck, “I’m planning [...]
Springfield Car Dealership Uses Under-Handed Tactics To Make the Sale
Springfield, MO- With Excel Auto under fire for various violations such as, odometer tampering and trading out bumpers to mislead customers about the make and models of cars, many other car dealerships are coming clean with their tactics. “Ok, I admit,” says Stanly Sleaze of Sleazy Motors, “I don’t even really sell cars. Most of [...]
3 Illegal Recipients of Joplin Fund Face Wind Tunnel
Springfield, MO – Three Joplin residents have admitted in federal court that they obtained disaster benefits after last year’s deadly tornado they weren’t entitled to receive and now face punishment via an wind torture tunnel. Acting U.S. Attorney David Ketchmark says 51-year-old Wanda Gail McBride, 30-year-old Ronald Martell Irby and 37-year-old Karen Marie Parks pleaded [...]
Giant Flaming Eagle Terrorizes Independence Day Celebrators
Springfield, MO – Yesterday a rare flaming eagle was seen screaming across the night’s sky across the southeast side of town. Witnesses said they were unsure what the flying object was until they heard a piercing shrill cry and saw the bird of freedom soaring over their homes, spitting fire from its glorious tail feathers. [...]
Baptist vs. Buddhist Biker
Springfield, MO- A member of the Buddhist faith was tested yesterday as a gigantic Christian cross was hurled at him while biking near First Baptist Church on South Street. “Ohm….mmmmmmmmmm…O’my GOD!” screamed bicyclist Bud Alstum as he narrowly escaped the clanging carrier of Christian sin when it struck the street behind him. According to witnesses, [...]
Train Robbery Averted Near Branson, MO
Branson, MO – According to multiple eye witnesses, two men attempted to rob a passenger train yesterday. The would-be thieves requested any and all gold, silver and precious metals while terrifying many train passengers. “From what I could tell, the robbers stood on the tracks and flagged down the train, which I wasn’t even sure [...]
Soccer Mom Vows To Find iPhone Stolen from Prius
Springfield, MO – With warmer temperatures causing people to be more out and about, Springfield car break-ins are at an all-time high. But, one Springfield citizen refuses to take the crime spree sitting down. Elizabeth Cleaver, a 39-year-old soccer mom, found her Prius’s window smashed and her iPhone stolen on Wednesday, as well as her [...]
Fugitive Ruins Recess for Hundreds of Nixa Students
Nixa, MO – Earlier this week, known and wanted fugitive, Matthew Allen was spotted strolling in Nixa, forcing 3 local schools to be placed on lock-down preventing afternoon recess to take place. Students at Mathews Elementary, Espy Elementary and Nixa High School were upset and confused by the decision. “I was s’pose to swing with [...]
Springfield Woman Pulls off Girl Scout Heist of the Century
Los Springvas, MO- A local woman pulled of the heist of a lifetime when she stole thousands of dollars from a local PTA and Girl Scout Troop 70472. The heist took months of planning and could have not been pulled off with her crack team of thieves that the media as deemed “Jordan’s 11.” “You [...]
Titanic Museum Marks 100-Year Disaster with Underwater Exhibit
Branson, MO – Visitors to Branson can now enjoy the first underwater ride-through exhibit opened by the Titanic Museum to mark the 100-year anniversary of the sinking of the infamous ship. A special ceremony introduced the Underwater Titanic exhibit to the public; the underwater ride allows ticket holders to experience firsthand how it felt to [...]
Great Southern Bank Robbed Of Great Southern Treasures
Springfield MO- Priceless artifacts from the great American South were robbed yesterday when an unknown gunman robbed “Great Southern Bank”. The gunman not only took confederate greenbacks, but also the very first vial of moonshine (created from actual harnessed moon light and turpentine), General’s Lee corpse encased in a glass coffin, the original secret recipe [...]
Easter Bunny To Earth’s Children: Stop Stealing my Eggs
Springfield, MO- In a press conference yesterday the Easter Bunny gave a desperate plea to the children of the earth: leave my eggs alone. During the conference he stated how every year he purposely hides his eggs so they can hatch and grow up to be healthy bunnies. “I know you might not know the [...]
Springfield Police Disarm Man by Train Tracks
Springfield, MO – It was reported recently that Springfield City Police had disarmed a man near the train tracks on N. Kansas Expressway, in what was believed to be a stand-off. However, in a drastic and dyslexic turn of events, it was found that the man had actually been disarmed by the train itself according [...]
