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RSSArchive for September, 2011

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CU Lands on Cloud City for Bus Hub

  Springfield, MO – Local City Utility officials have decided that the best option for building a new bus transfer station will be in the sky. Bus Cloud Station 14 will be built by 2014 and will hover above downtown Springfield, directly above the existing bus station. “It really is a great solution, we don’t […]

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Giant Water Tower Terrorizes City!

  Springfield, MO – The giant water tower on North Glenstone began moving late yesterday morning; the giant legs began to shift and the structure stumbled down the street crushing property in its path. Witnesses said the tower began to moan and wail before making an abrupt exit from its long-time position on the East […]

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Viebrock to Wrestle Arnott in Steel Cage Match

  Springfield MO.-  The ongoing feud between presiding Greene County Commissioner Jim Viebrock and Greene County Sheriff Jim Arnott will soon be settled when they wrestle each other in a steel cage match at the shrine mosque later next month.  What will be the main event for the night is being billed as “The Battle […]

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2,000 People Got They Grillz Did

  Springfield, MO – Over 200 dentist banded together last week to provide fake gold teeth, removable gold grills, platinum teeth, and gold grillz to hundreds of Missourians who otherwise might not have been able to afford them.   Many people waited as long as 22 hours outside the Ozark Empire Fairgrounds in hopes of […]

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Local Target Announces New Promotion: “MILFs all day everyday!”

  Springfield, MO – After analyzing a recent survey of their customer demographics, Target discovered what sets them apart from most other retail stores in the area.  Their key shoppers are young attractive females, mostly young mothers.  They then commissioned a follow-up study to determine what it is about Target that this group likes the […]

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Republic Schools Ban Writing Instruments

  Republic Mo.-  Effective immediately if students in the Republic school system want to jot something down on a piece of paper, they will have to transfer to a school outside the area to do it.  School officials have banned the use of pencils,pens and felt tip markers.  Spokesman Nick Nosebottom, said in a press […]

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Pensmore Mansion Swallowed By Sinkhole

  Highlandville, MO – The indestructible castle Pensmore, formerly known as Overwatch Manor, was afforded every protection available to architects, however, a good ol’ fashioned Missouri sink hole has provided an unseen set back to the colossal project. This week an enormous sink hole consumed Pensmore in an 800 foot collapse into the Ozark Mountains. […]

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September Traffic Report

 

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Dillons Nervous About Neighboring Hy-Vee’s Customer Service, Specialty Foods and Giant Rooftop Artillery Cannon

  Springfield, MO- With the Hy-Vee grocery store opening across the street, Dillons Super Store is nervous about the competition and being blown out of existence by a giant rooftop mounted artillery cannon. Hy-Vee is an upscale grocery store lauded for their customer service and unique specialty foods. Also they have a cannon on their […]

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Academy Sells $0.20 of Goods to Curious Ozarkers Opening Weekend

Springfield, MO – Newly opened sports and outdoor company Academy celebrated a grand opening weekend welcoming  thousands of visitors who combined for $0.20 worth of sales for the retail giant. Most folks who visited the store left empty handed but with a good idea of what goes into a huge building with lots of expectations. […]

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“Hindenburg Museum” Opening Across from “Titanic”

Branson, MO- It looks as if fire and ice will come together when Branson’s Hindenburg Museum will open next month directly across the street from the world famous Titanic Museum. The Hindenburg Museum will let visitors see the horror of the famous explosion that destroyed the LZ 129 Hindenburg zeppelin on May 6, 1937 through […]

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FCN Missed Connections

  Springfield, MO – According to Craigslist findings, the follow missed connections are now reported: “You were wearing black clothin’ with black eyeliner, and a dog chain necklace that highlighted your fishnet gloves on the square Friday night.” – Goth Lovah “Chocolate Andy’s custard was on your chin, I reached to wipe it off but […]

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MSU Roommate Relationship Reaches Boiling Point

  Springfield, MO- Even though they have only been living together for just a few weeks, Larry Harshman and Kyle Founder’s relationship has reached a breaking point. The two MSU freshmen had high hopes for their living situations when coming into the fall semester. Bonding over such things as all-night Halo death matches, acting as […]

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Walmart to Develop Wal-borhoods for More Neighborhood Markets

  Springfield, MO – The Bentonville, AR based retail giant Walmart has announced plans to build more neighborhoods in the Ozarks to accommodate their growth plan for the area. Walmart will begin construction on the communities this fall which will allow time to build the Neighborhood Markets to support them by early next year. The […]

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September Horoscopes