All Entries in the "Food" Category
Squash Seized, Slashed, and Smashed for Shocking Samhain Ceremony
Dateline Springfield: Welcome back listeners. That was Macy Wallace with her new jazz hit, “City Lights.” We now interrupt this regularly schedule program with exciting news from Professor Farrell of the Chicago Observatory. Apparently, some explosions on the surface of Mars has jittered many scientist interested in – Hold on… This just in… A [...]
“Poison Hy-Vee” Spreads Through the Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Thousands of Ozarkians have been infected with a disease commonly known as “Poison Hy-Vee”, a mild form of curiosity preceded by high amounts of anticipation and feverishly high expectations. “Oh, man, I can’t wait to go to the new Hy-Vee store on Battlefield Street,” said Norma Jillonsap as she scratched her [...]
New Gerber Baby Blows $50,000
Springfield, MO – After winning the National Gerber Baby contest, eleven month old Nate Stuffington has blown through his winning prize money in a matter of days. Blinged out binkies, gold-lined diapers, and radical plastic surgery has consumed the less-than-yearlings’ earnings. According to sources, he even purchased his parents a vacation home in Aspen, CO [...]
Dillons Nervous About Neighboring Hy-Vee’s Customer Service, Specialty Foods and Giant Rooftop Artillery Cannon
Springfield, MO- With the Hy-Vee grocery store opening across the street, Dillons Super Store is nervous about the competition and being blown out of existence by a giant rooftop mounted artillery cannon. Hy-Vee is an upscale grocery store lauded for their customer service and unique specialty foods. Also they have a cannon on their [...]
Cheddar’s Provides Unforgettable Dining Experience from Hell
Springfield, MO—A local family seeking a comfortable lunch was thrust into a nightmare dining hell this Sunday while attempting to dine casually at Cheddar’s. “I really was looking forward to having a nice lunch with the in-laws to cap off the weekend. I had no idea that it would be the most memorable dining [...]
Traveling Taco Just an Easy Grill
Springfield, MO—The mobile Mexican merchant located on Sunshine street has recently confessed to being “a grille who gets around a lot”. Coming as no surprise local patrons to the whore de taco said, “yeah I mean I know a lot of people who put their dirty mouths on their tacos.” According to the Greene [...]
Food Plate Reveals Future of Food
Springfield, MO—The release of the new USDA Food Plate has Ozarkers excited for the future of cuisine. The 20-year-old Food Pyramid featured photographs of foods, while the new Food Plate shows futuristic foods arranged on a plate in geometric shapes. “I’m so excited that the government released this new guide. Now we’re ready to [...]
Branson Blasted For Serving Patrons Under 65
Branson M0- After a police sting operation, numerous restaurants in the Branson area have been found guilty of serving patrons under the age of 65. Branson known as the “Vegas of the Mid-West With Colostomy Bags” prides itself to be the vacation spot for the old and old at heart. Many of the “youngins” [...]
Alco-Haul Longs for Prohibition
Springfield, MO—Management of local beer and wine delivery service, Alco-Haul, recently stated that they wished that Prohibition would be reenacted to bring more excitement to their job. The team argues that if alcohol were outlawed, delivery of products would be much more fun as they would have to shake the fuzz while making the [...]
Cinco de Mayonnaise Celebrated in Ozark
Ozark, MO—Phillip Hershaw and Chad Netmeg celebrated Cinco de Mayonnaise on the fifth of May this year as a tribute to the heritage of French culinary arts, which unbeknownst to them, flies directly in the face of Cinco de Mayo, a celebration that commemorates the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle [...]
Osama Sushi Roll Unveiled in Ozarks
Springfield, MO—Local sushi hotspot Komodo Dragon has unveiled it’s latest creation: the roll they are calling the “NoMoOsama Roll”. Made up of roasted goat, a dash of crude oil and just a hint of spent ammunition, the NoMoOsama is a hit with local patrons who wish to celebrate the demise of Public Enemy Numero [...]
Slow Foods Featured at Moxie
Springfield, MO—To celebrate Earth Day, Slow Foods of Southwest Missouri is hosting two movies at the Moxie Cinema tonight, however Moxie management insists that the theatre food is indeed served quickly. “No, no, you see there are two movies, Fresh and The Vanishing of the Bees that are dealing with the slow food movement. It [...]
Einstein Bros Bagel Company Creates Uranium Enriched Bagel
Springfield, MO- After years of pain-staking research, Einstein Bros Bagel Company finally created its first uranium enriched bagel. The bagel has not only been described as delicious, but also low in fat and high in death; the destroyer of worlds. The bagel is on sale now and is a big hit with numerous demographics. [...]
Three Tourists Beheaded at Mexican Villa
Springfield, MO— Mexican Villa, a long-standing Ozarks’ tradition of fine Mexican Food saw three tourist’s heads removed with satisfaction last night. The diners were invited by their local hosts as guests to enjoy the Mexi-Ozarks cuisine; none expected heads to be lost over the meal. Lori McUli said, “our friends were in from Columbia [...]
Vineyard, Pancake House Merge to Form “Martha’s”
Springfield, MO—In this economy, local businesses are seeking unconventional ways to stay afloat, recently Martha’s Pancake House and Martha’s Vineyard decided to make the journey to profitability together by merging together to form “Martha’s.” The new joint venture will feature 24-hour combination of pancake house during the day and a gay nightlife destination during [...]
