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Horrifying Statue Unveiled in Leong’s Honor

Springfield, MO – After Congressman Billy Long presented cashew chicken inventor David Leong with a Congressional Record Statement a horrifying statue was unveiled of Leong made entirely of cashew chicken and bronzed. “What the hell is that?!” screamed everyone in attendance. Several women fainted and many men openly wept at the shockingly terrifying image. The […]

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Woman Blows Pants Off at Chili Cook-Off

Springfield, MO – Hundreds of eyewitnesses gave firsthand accounts of a woman who had flatuleted her own pants away at the 32nd Sertoma Chili Cook-Off. Spectators suggest she consumed too much chili for her own good very early in the day and all the beans caught up to her in the end. “I….I was standing […]

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Shoney’s Closing Upsets Citizens Still Living in the 1980’s

Springfield, MO-  The Springfield and Ozark location of Shoney’s restaurant will be closing to the disappointment of numerous Springfieldians still living in the 1980’s.  The citizens still stuck in the past are now wondering where they will eat while discussing such hot topics as: Gremlins,  Michael J. Fox, the rise of Madonna  and the Challenger […]

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Group Flashes Mob at SBC

Springfield, MO – In a strange twist of fate, a rabid mob was chased away by a group of flashing patrons this week. The angry mob had entered the brewery demanding mead and horses but was deterred when diners showed their naked selves. “It was scary. Nobody knew what to do until one person started […]

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5 Guys Burgers Seriously Considering Hiring 6th Guy

Springfield, MO- With the opening of “5 Guys Burgers” in the Battlefield Mall many Springfield patrons are flocking to the new eating establishment which is causing stress to the only 5 employees. “I don’t know what we were thinking,” said Joseph “Guy 3” Barton while he simultaneously took 3 orders and bused 2 tables. “We […]

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Hinese Food Offered in SGF

Springfield, MO – A local restaurant is offering a new cuisine that’s sure to be the butt of many jokes:  Hinese food. Patrons are unsure if the food is intended to be ingested via the hiney or if the food being served is made from the hiney of an animal. “Yeah, sure I’d try me […]

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Hundreds of Birds Protest Thanksgiving with Mass Suicide

Springfield, MO – Hundreds of birds protesting Thanksgiving and the mutilation of millions of innocent turkeys caused quite the scene at Erie and Fremont streets by drinking poisoned Kool-Aid, thus ending their bird lives. Dozens of black carcasses covered the intersection and at one time the dead little bird bodies spelled a message that read […]

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Parents Increase Candy Tax This Halloween

Springfield, MO – Local parents have increased the cost of chaperoning their children during the candy gathering season known colloquially as Halloween.  The parental imposed Candy Tax has held steady over the past decade, but saw an increase after weak job growth and economic instability this year. “We just can’t afford to purchase as much […]

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Flavored Meth Featured at Taste of Springfield

Springfield, MO – Native cuisines will be featured at SW Missouri’s growing festival, Taste of Springfield, this weekend downtown on the square. One specific booth will feature a recipe widely regarded as more popular than Chef David Leong’s cashew chicken: methamphetamines. The flavored meth booth will be one of 25-30 local restaurant exhibitors, cooking technique […]

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Fifth Andy’s Location Creates Insidious Pentagram around Springfield

Springfield, MO- With the prophesied fifth Andy’s location opening in the next several days many Springfieldians are worried about the ominous symbol that is created when you connect all the locations of the fame ice cream shops. By putting dots on the map of Springfield over Andy’s locations, a pentagram can be seen that encases […]

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Backwoods Hillbillies Enjoy Classy Moonshine Tasting  

  Springfield, MO- When the sunset light lingers and the fireflies brighten the twilight sky, the noble Ozarkian Hillbilly (heartier and more dark-haired than their Appalachian cousins) gather to jig, laugh, and taste nature’s sweetest elixir: moonshine. Every summer, eight of the greatest Hillbilly clans meet to share their finest alcoholic concoctions. “Hmm, yes,” says […]

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Brat Hut Looks to Add Shaking Bratwurst to Shack Top

Springfield, MO – Local brat-shop Bratwurst Hutte plans to add an enormous shaking traffic stopper to their location on East Battlefield road soon. Several options include a very large sausage, a gyrating bratwurst or several big hot dogs bundled together to draw attention from drivers traversing Battlefield road. According to Pineapple Whip employee Kale McFritters, […]

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“You’re Gonna Like The Way I Cook” – Men’s Wearhouse Guy

Springfield, MO – Several diners around town identified the Men’s Wearhouse Guy having dinner around town this week, trying to impress people with his various ways of saying “You’re gonna like the way I…” to many people. “I was eating dinner at Metro and this grey-bearded man walked up to me and said ‘You’re gonna […]

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Precocious Kids Save DARE Program Through “Baked” Sale

Polk County, MO- Due to budget cuts the anti-drug DARE program seemed to be doomed, but thanks to local kids, the program may have new life. Students from all over the Polk County area lent a helping hand to the program by selling numerous baked goods with a special ingredient. “Love,” said 10 year old […]

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Pork ‘n Lines to Replace Rock ‘n Ribs

Springfield, MO – In order to better define what the Rock n’ Ribs visitor experience is officials have renamed the local benefit for the 2013 event to Pork n’ Lines.  According to people who went to the event, no ribs were actually served and the lines and lines of people were long enough to be […]