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RSSArchive for July, 2012

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14-Year-Old Girl Nearly Died of Embarrassment at Ozark Empire Fair

Springfield, MO- Tragedy was adverted yesterday when 8th grader McKenna Barnsworth almost died by embarrassment caused by her totally lame dad, weirdo mother, and freakaziod little brother. Luckily McKenna left the fair before the embarrassment got to lethal levels. “I can’t believe you are doing this to me,” shouted McKenna on the way to the […]

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Groupon Offered for Heer’s Building

Springfield, MO – Local citizens will soon be receiving a Groupon offer via email to own a portion of the historic Heer’s Building in downtown Springfield. Most suspect developer Kevin McGowan is attempting to sell the structure piece by piece but none seem to care. General excitement to own a piece of the building is […]

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Fail Sign July

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Freistatt Distributes Beer to Prevent Grass Fires

FREISTATT, Mo. – The village of Freistatt is announcing a unique measure to help its own citizens prevent grass fires. The village will provide beer saved from last years’ Ernte-Fest to anyone living within a three-mile radius of Freistatt that has access to their own 3,000 to 5,000-gallon portable beer tank. Officials stress the beer […]

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Casinos Eye Indian Ridge Auction

Branson, MO – Several groups have expressed interest in cultivating the land known as Indian Ridge into a world-class casino located in the heartland; the land goes on auction soon and several buyers are preparing their top-dollar bids. “Our people have been cultivating this land for centuries,” said Little Big Hand, an American Native who […]

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Rountree Neighborhood Welcomes New Noises, Dangers

Springfield, MO – Based on feedback from a recent neighborhood association meeting, homeowners have unanimously approved the addition of several noisy and dangerous neighborhood garnishes. An outdoor concert venue, nightly fireworks displays, a shooting range, one quarter mile NHRA dragster track, and a new space shuttle launch pad will all be added by the end […]

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SGF Trucking Company to Haul Paterno Statue to Neverland Ranch

Springfield, MO – Local trucking company OptimusPrime has secured the transportation deal to move the statue of Joe Paterno from Happy Valley to Neverland Ranch. The move will take approximately 4 days driving time across the country and will begin early next week. “Fortunately, we found a buyer for the statue,” said a prominent Penn […]

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Backwoods Hillbillies Enjoy Classy Moonshine Tasting  

  Springfield, MO- When the sunset light lingers and the fireflies brighten the twilight sky, the noble Ozarkian Hillbilly (heartier and more dark-haired than their Appalachian cousins) gather to jig, laugh, and taste nature’s sweetest elixir: moonshine. Every summer, eight of the greatest Hillbilly clans meet to share their finest alcoholic concoctions. “Hmm, yes,” says […]

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FieldHouse Sportscenter Considers Name Change to CourtHouse

Springfield, MO – According to sources inside the FieldHouse Sportscenter, whose ground breaking ceremony recently occurred, many are considering including the word “court” in the name. Currently, the FieldHouse caters only to sports played on a court, not a field. “Basketball and volleyball are most certainly played on courts, not fields,” said one insider, John […]

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Springfield Stopping Mountain Dew’s “Water is for Wussys” Ad Campaign

Springfield, MO- With summer temperatures coming earlier, heat-related illnesses are on the rise- making good hydration very important. But, Mountain Dew’s new ad campaign is down playing the importance of water, which is making Springfield health officials never nervous. The campaign declares that “Water is for Wussys” on numerous venues including bus stop benches and […]

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Drought Causes Sub Par Crop Circles

Xantrax, Alpha Prime System- With the worse drought since 1988 causing numerous corn crops to wither and die, Missouri farmers are heading for hard times. But, the farmers are not the only victims of the drought: aliens from the farthest reaches of the universe are coming to the Ozarks finding that dying corn is not […]

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Springfield Car Dealership Uses Under-Handed Tactics To Make the Sale

Springfield, MO- With Excel Auto under fire for various violations such as, odometer tampering and trading out bumpers to mislead customers about the make and models of cars, many other car dealerships are coming clean with their tactics. “Ok, I admit,” says Stanly Sleaze of Sleazy Motors, “I don’t even really sell cars. Most of […]

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Paul Bunyan Pissed to Find Wrenches at Rick’s Automotive

Springfield, MO – Famed lumberjack and North American folklore hero Paul Bunyan was extremely pissed to find his missing wrenches at Rick’s Automotive this week. According to sources, Paul rode into town on Babe the Blue Ox, saw a great sign giving temperature and time on Campbell street then realized it was being supported by […]

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Drought Aid Concert Announced in Ozarks

Springfield, MO – Willie Nelson, John Mellencamp and Neil Young are planning a benefit concert the event and plan to play a with included Bob Dylan, Billy Joel, B.B. King, Roy Orbison, among others at the Springfield Little Theatre. Sponsors include Wil Fischer, Springfield Brewing Company, Hy-Vee, J. Parrino’s Queen City Grille and Springfield Family […]

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July Traffic Report