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RSSArchive for March, 2011

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Kraft Stank Cologne Offered in the Ozarks

  Springfield, MO—The smelly, nasty cheese stank that rolls out of the Kraft plant on Glenstone Avenue will soon be available as a fragrance for people who wish to spray themselves with memories of the Ozarks. The new bottled scent called “Eau de Cheese” goes on sale at local gas stations next month. Made of […]

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Hologram Charlie Spoonhour to Coach Bears

  Springfield, MO—Missouri State University Men’s Basketball team has a new leader on the court after the athletic department announced that they would be relying on a hologram of Charlie Spoonhour to coach the team. “It makes a lot of sense for us to bring back Coach Spoonhour, albeit as a digital projection of his […]

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Mother Nature Gives Cardinals Out

  Springfield, MO—The St. Louis Cardinals canceled their exhibition game against Double-A Springfield set for Tuesday night at Hammons Field, citing an ominous possible defeat at the hands of the underling team. Tuesday’s match was set for 7:07 p.m. and officials expected to draw a sold-out crowd of more than 9,000 before the “big” Cards […]

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Naked Billboard Arouses Bachelor’s Interest

Springfield, MO – In the school’s latest effort to drive undergraduate enrollment, Ozarks Technical College launched a new outdoor ad campaign that’s exposing Springfield to the desirability of higher education. Featuring a female co-ed whose lady bumps are obscured only by the thin shield of her laptop, the billboards have been turning heads and dropping […]

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Hot Wheels Sponsors Flyover Ramp at 60/65 Interchange

  Springfield, MO—Hot Wheels, a Mattel brand, will sponsor the grand opening of the flyover ramp this weekend at the Highway 60/65 interchange. The sponsorship is part of an effort to add a sweet gravity performance loop and jump section to the highway for local residents to enjoy. “The people at Hot Wheels were gracious […]

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Hammons Found Frozen in Carbonite

Springfield, MO—Community leaders are happy to announce that they have located John Q Hammons frozen in a block of carbonite. Previously, Hammons was feared to be imprisoned in involuntary seclusion at a Springfield nursing home by the current CEO of his company. “Fortunately, we found him in carbonite down by the Jordan River,” said a […]

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Snake Oil March

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METH HEADS RALLY AGAINST COCAINE DEALERS

  Springfield MO.-    The recent arrest of area cocaine dealers has gain support from an unlikely source.  Nick Wethead, president of the Ozarks Meth Men has proposed that profiling be encouraged to rid the town of anyone that has the possibility of using cocaine instead of locally produced meth. “There is meth to our madness.”, […]

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Meat Clothier Moves to Ozarks

  Springfield, MO – Franc Fernandez, creator of Lady Gaga’s infamous “meat dress” was seen in downtown Springfield last week looking for studio space. According to sources close to the designer, Fernandez is looking to create more meat and animal inspired designs and therefore moving to the Midwest close to farmlands is a natural progression […]

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James River Breaks Up With America

  Springfield, MO—James River Assembly has bid adieu to America for the time being. Due to an upcoming summer of unknowing circumstances, JRA has decided to break up with America. Says a source, “We will always love America but we can no longer continue to date.” James River Assembly and I Love America had been […]

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Hammons Held at Top of Hammons’ Tower?

  Springfield, MO—The disappearance of local businessman John Q Hammons has prompted Springfield to search him out.  One Missouri State University source stated, “We need something else to name after him, but with that comes money.  He’s got it, we don’t.  We need to find him to get a check signed ASAP”.  MSU has reportedly […]

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Kyle Weems To Run For Mayor

Springfield MO – Kyle Weems was late getting to the press conference to discuss the Missouri State’s basketball involvement in the NIT postseason tournament.  He was seen shaking hands with fans, hugging old ladies and kissing babies.  When he finally took his seat he had the following comments. “Look I am glad as the next […]

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Vineyard, Pancake House Merge to Form “Martha’s”

  Springfield, MO—In this economy, local businesses are seeking unconventional ways to stay afloat, recently Martha’s Pancake House and Martha’s Vineyard decided to make the journey to profitability together by merging together to form “Martha’s.” The new joint venture will feature 24-hour combination of pancake house during the day and a gay nightlife destination during […]

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Pole Dance Workout Offered at Pony Club

  Springfield, MO—The Pony Club, a local gentlemen’s club, is offering pole-dancing workouts during the day in an attempt to reach a new crowd of local health-seeking patrons. The classes will be offered during the club’s off hours, at 8, 9 and 10 am Monday through Friday. “We thought we could capitalize on our empty […]

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Fail Sign March