RSSArchive for April, 2009

City Council Seat Filled by Malph Ranley

Springfield—Mayor Jim O’Neal announced yesterday that a replacement has been selected for the City Council Zone 3 seat vacated earlier this month. “It is my pleasure to announce our newest Councilman Mr. Malph Ranley,” said O’Neal, “Mr. Ranley is a longtime volunteer, a civic leader who will be known for his enthusiasm for the city […]

GM merges with MGM to form MGMGM

Giants merge based on shared fondness of letters “G” and “M”. Springfield – General Motors Corporation said it completed its $540 million merger with Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer studios today and informed most employees that they have lost union representation but gained another “G” and two “M”s to their company name. Local GMC dealer Thompson Buick Pontiac GMC […]

Buckingham’s “Catch the Swine Fever” Campaign Cancelled Due to Poor Timing

Buckingham’s new print and television campaign titled “Catch the Swine Fever” has been cancelled today due to the outbreak of Swine Flu that is plaguing Mexico, Asia, and parts of the United States. The campaign with the mottos: “Catch The Swine Fever”, “Swine Fever Will Getcha”, “Swine Fever…Catch It”, “Food So Good You Won’t Want […]

Gov’t Considers Purchasing Gov’t Land with Gov’t Grant

Cape Girardeau—An island sitting in the Mississippi River south of Cape Girardeau could soon be the latest addition to the Missouri Department of Conservation’s landholdings…woohoo! The department is considering buying Marquette Island, an 835-acre island covered in cottonwoods, willow and sand, which was formed from silt deposited by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers from […]

KY3 Horn Player Quits

Springfield—KYTV’s horn player has decided to quit the show. Harry Pally, who played the main theme song music for local TV station KY3 for decades has quit citing lack of recognition and a bad case of “terrible boredom”. “Every morning show, every noon, every evening, each news break, day after day after day. It starts […]

Pirates Captured at Bearded Clam

Kimberling City, MO—Seven Somali pirates were captured yesterday by Dutch naval forces, who also freed 80 captive audience members of the Showboat Branson Belle, Missouri Water Patrol officials say. The Dutch forces followed the pirates, who had launched a successful attack on the Showboat Branson Belle, as they docked at the popular Table Rock Lake […]

Pirate Site Sues Pirates

The Pirate Bay is suing the Somali pirates who moved to the Ozarks, hijacked the Showboat Branson Belle, and claimed former party cove as Pirate Cove. The Pirate Bay is suing the Somali pirates claiming copyright infringement. The Pirate Bay is a Swedish website that indexes and tracks BitTorrent (.torrent) files. It bills itself as […]

Pirates Tie Up at Party Cove

Table Rock Lake—In a surprising turn of events, the Showboat Branson Belle has tied up with local party boats at the popular “party cove”. According to witnesses, the pirates located some wicked dance music and pumped it to the crowds as they idled into the worry-free zone of questionable behavior, meeting no resistance. Seclusion, good […]

Showboat Branson Belle Held Ransom By Pirates

Branson, MO—Pirates seized the Showboat Branson Belle on Monday evening. The bold hijacking has heightened fears about the surging piracy and low-seas terrorism on Table Rock Lake. Captain Shad Owing the IV was tossed off the back of the ship onto the paddlewheel when the vessel left the pier under pirate control. “How could they […]

Table Rock Lake Piracy?

Lampe, MO—Local officials are issuing warnings to all lake-goers this spring/summer as Somali pirates may have been spotted in the waters of Table Rock Lake. The National Volunteer Coastguard of Somalia, whose operations originated off the coast of Africa, has been suspected of moving operations to the Ozarks. As global awareness rises, security off the […]

Dickerson Park Will “Totally Get On Finding That Missing Panther “

In a press conference yesterday Dickerson Park Zoo official Charles Ranstad told local law enforcement officers and several members of the press that they will “Totally get on finding that missing panther,” the Zoo official then added “Geez. Get off our back.” The panther, a 250 pound killing machine, went missing last week and is […]

Protester Embarrassed At Tea Party

Springfield—Louie Higgs attended a political rally on Tuesday dressed as Mr. T, horribly mistaking the intent of the gathering. Higgs came decked with several gold chains, a fresh mo-hawk, gold rings and a sign that read “I pity the fool who don’t love the USA”. Immediately upon arrival he felt that something was amiss. Higgs […]

Bluegrass Feud Claims Another Victim

Missouri and Kentucky bluegrass performers clash, leading to more violence. Bolivar—Around 8 pm yesterday unknown assailants drove pick-up trucks past Hank “Flash-Fingers” Wallace’s cabin and pelted it, and him, with dead opossums. Hank, known as “Flash-Fingers” due to his fast banjo picking digits, was a notable player in Missouri-style bluegrass—he was a perfect target. He […]

Kamikaze vehicles destroying remains of economy

One store at a time, vehicles avenge poor auto sales. Springfield—For the past three months, Springfield businesses have been singled out and attacked by merciless and meticulously planned automobile strikes. One local retail storefront per month has been crushed by high-speed attack. “Ramming storefronts is just wrong. I mean, we have complaint boxes for suggestions […]

Springfield Driver Discovers Turn Signal

SPRINGFIELD — Tuesday morning was just like any other for Jan Worther, until she made a startling discovery. She had just dropped off her two daughters at school and was heading to yoga class in her 2008 Cadillac Escalade along East Battlefield Road. Unexpectedly, a cat ran in front of her car/truck/tank, forcing her to […]