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RSSArchive for November, 2012

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Downtown Fundamentalists Take Lessons from “Cash for Gold”

Springfield, MO – On an average weekend night in downtown Springfield, you might see different groups of people from over-dressed college kids, gigging musicians, street performers, the guy with the telescope, to many of the “square rats” with their skateboards, shouting, and/or hand drums.  But the one constant to any weekend night downtown are the […]

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Local Man Selects PowerBall, Square & Triangle

Springfield, MO – In an astronomical anomaly, Henry Tipton has correctly selected not only the winning PowerBall numbers but the trans-dimensional  lotteries PowerSquare and PowerTriangle. The odds of Tipton even discovering the extra dimensions are overshadowed by his ability to locate and correctly select the winning combinations of three lotteries. “I guess I happened across […]

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Kaleidoscope Offers Mercy Discounts

Springfield, MO – Local curious shop, piercing and tattoo studio, Kaleidoscope, announced plans to offer Mercy Hospital patients up to half off any product or service in the store. Located only a stone’s throw away from the medical campus, hospital patients need only walk a few paces to take advantage of the groovy discounts. “My […]

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Chase to Offer Instant Debt Cards

Springfield, MO – Chase customers who lose their plastic cards or who have an open account will soon be able to get debt instantly at about 2,000 of the bank’s branches, with a focus on Springfield, Nixa and Ozark markets by year end. Typically, it takes several years to acquire significant debt, Chase said, we’re […]

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Som-Bitch Soldier Decorations Now Available

Springfield, MO – Som-bitches around the Ozarks can now express their holiday spirit by placing an oversized, blown-up, redneck soldier in their yards. The crop-top wearin’, belly-showing, mustached inflatable is complete with hunting cap and beer can in the left hand. According to the manufacturer Hey Y’all Watch This, consumer demand for a more culturally […]

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Black Friday Shoppers Blockade Food Shoppers

  Springfield, MO – Mayhem ensued at one Springfield Walmart when local resident John Turkman needed lightbulbs and Mountain Dew.  Turkman was accosted by in his words, “a redneck family that made you think they were the poster children for the people of Walmart.” Turkman stated, “My living room lamp bulbs hand burned out and […]

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4-Year-Old Boy Shows No Progress from No Shave November, 4th Year in a Row

            November is not just a time for people to give thanks, but it is also a time for males to prove their ability to grow facial hair. However, for a young 4-year-old Springfield boy, that is hardly the case. Since he was born, Aaron Larson has made sure that he isn’t the only male […]

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Wonder Bread Maker Folds Amidst Cultural Diversity

Springfield, MO –Across the country, thousands of bakers are losing their jobs producing Wonder Bread, Twinkies and Ho Hos at a point in time that collides with a diversified culture and increased awareness towards healthy lifestyles. Local Hostess shops are holding the doors open until every last white loaf of bread is picked off the […]

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Hundreds of Birds Protest Thanksgiving with Mass Suicide

Springfield, MO – Hundreds of birds protesting Thanksgiving and the mutilation of millions of innocent turkeys caused quite the scene at Erie and Fremont streets by drinking poisoned Kool-Aid, thus ending their bird lives. Dozens of black carcasses covered the intersection and at one time the dead little bird bodies spelled a message that read […]

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Frozen Turkeys Hidden Along Turkey Trot Route

Springfield, MO – Newcomer to the Ozarks grocery scene, Hy-Vee Inc., plans to give back to the community by donating 200 frozen turkeys to elevate the annual Turkey Trot event. The frozen poultry will be placed along the race route in hidden locations where racers are encouraged to find them and take them home. Racers […]

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Traffic Report – November

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Man Donates Car to Council of Blind…Laughs All Weekend Long

Springfield, MO – Larry Lopanksy made a generous donation of his 2005 Ford Escape to the American Council of the Blind this past week and found immense amusement in his generosity. Lopansky claimed to his next door neighbor Manny Uganda that he gave his car to a blind person. Uganda said, “I don’t think Larry […]

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Black Ink Comics – Novmber

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The Garage Sale – Motivational Speaker

The time is 5:30 am and as the sun rises, today will not be any ordinary day.  Someone wraps at your door.  When you answer, there stands an old man with one thing in mind; he saw the ad and he wants your golf clubs.  You didn’t grab your glasses before you answered the door […]

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Get Your Seat Here!

City Hall announced today the criteria for the city council seat that has come open due to the latest resignation.   The mayor’s office announced today that the criteria is pretty simple, “We want someone with the common sense of Todd Akin and the lovability of Tom Trtan.  We offered the job to Trtan, but he’s […]