Archive for October, 2012
Post-debate, Obama staffers reveal Seinfeld strategy
Springfield, MO – One week after the final presidential debate in Boca Raton, Florida, speculation has surfaced that the Obama team used some unorthodox tactics while preparing the president for his most recent public appearances. “The rumors are true,” one anonymous source said. “During Monday’s debate, the President was eager to engage in what […]
Hurricane Sandy Expected to Merge with Ozarks Tornado, setting off New Madrid Fault Line
Springfield, MO – Local weather experts are fearful that hurricane Sandy will turn its sights onto the Midwest after it destroys the Eastern Coast of the United States. After already merging with a nor’easter and clashing into Arctic winds, Sandy is growing stronger each day. “This storm has an appetite that cannot be contained. If […]
Task Force Addresses Concerns Amid Nuclear Test/Holocaust On Square
Springfield, MO – While a newly formed task force met at the Busch Municipal Building on Tuesday afternoon to strategize against negative perceptions of Park Central Square, an actual nuclear bomb test and ethnic cleansing occurred on the square. “Yeah, we’ve got our work cut out for us,” said Nancy Puhdrewery, a newly appointed task […]
DopeStrong Bike Syringe Arrives
Springfield, Mo – Local bike shops are anticipating the arrival of a new product made popular by a little-known cyclist named Lance Armstrong. Armstrong launched the product to make doping more convenient for professional riders who compete in one of the dirtiest sports around. The DopeStrong allows riders to strap a doping needle directly to […]
Alien Enjoys Zoo’s Spooktacular
Springfield, Mo – Dickerson Park Zoo confirmed the existence of alien life forms this week as one landed and participated in the annual Halloween Spooktacular celebration. After enjoying the event, the intergalactic visitor applied to become a Friend of the Zoo (FOZ). During the opening night, several attendees mentioned a fantastic “fake” UFO crash landing […]
Area Locals Worried About Apartment Fires Wearing Asbestos Underwear
Springfield, MO – According to a recent CoxHealth report, the soaring number of apartment fires in the SW Missouri region have caused panicking cigarette smokers to wrap their private parts in cloth made from the dangerous mineral compound “asbestos.” Health officials warn that asbestos is a highly toxic substance once widely used in construction […]
Honey Boo Boo Rallies for Claire McCaskill
Springfield, MO – Democratic Sen. Claire McCaskill got a campaign trail boost Tuesday as Honey Boo Boo – a reality television personality on TLC’s Here Comes Honey Boo Boo that features beauty pageant participants, filmed in and around rural McIntyre, Georgia – headlined two days of rallies as the Democrat maintains a competitive race against […]
Man Jumps from Tower Theater – Breaks No Records
Springfield, MO – Henry Figerson decided to base-jump from the tip-top of the Tower Theater this week to celebrate his daredevil lifestyle. Climbing an un-towering 42-feet into the air, Figerson looked out over the land he was about to conquer and someday dreamed of being paid for somewhat life threatening stunts. “Ah, yeah, I guess […]
Electronic Street Signs Increasingly Directed at One Man
Springfield, MO – When the City of Springfield first installed digital signs along major streets within the city they announced that they would display messages helpful to the general public. City Manager Greg Burris said at the time, “The signs allow us to communicate safe driving tips as well as traffic information that may help […]
Big Bird Migrates to Branson Theater
Branson, MO – Upon Mitt Romney’s announcement that he’ll fire Big Bird, offers to the beloved Sesame Street icon have been pouring in. FCN has learned exclusively that Mr. Bird has been offered a show in Branson. Mr. Bird commented in an exclusive interview, “I’m in negotiations to take over at Yakov’s theater next year […]
Area Libraries Hold Tolkien Festival Because Libraries Are Simply Not Dorky Enough
Springfield, MO- With Springfield Public Libraries’ dork levels at an all time low, many library administers are pulling out all the stops to re-nerdify the sacred geeky haven. After many failed attempts such as a Star Trek fan fiction night and Dr. Who poetry readings, the powers at be decided a Tolkien Festival will be […]
