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Willard Schools Give Laptops to All Students; Next Goal – Robo-Teacher

Willard, MO- With Willard’s “Every Kid Connected” initiative every student will receive an internet connected device (either laptop or tablet), but Willard will not stop there: Robo-Teachers will be the final goal. “We are all about technology here at Willard,” said Ian Giga-hurts, the Grand Tech Master of Willard, upon his metal spider-shaped throne, “Every […]

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Todd Akin’s Teachers Blame Themselves Over Gaffe

Everywhere, MO- After Todd Akin’s expressed his belief that women can “shut that whole thing down” (her reproduction system after a legitimate rape), many teachers are stepping forward. The teachers feel that if they just worked a little harder, then Akin would have a better understanding how rudimentary things work, and that a penis is […]

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4th Graders Hijack School Bus to Escape School

Springfield, MO- 4th graders from Hilldale Elementary staged a daring coup yesterday when they took over a school bus to escape from the horrors of school. The 4th graders, armed with sling-shots and water pistols filled with cat urine held bus driver Hector Barnslow hostage and demanded a new destination. “It was awful,” Hector tells […]

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Parents Rejoice After Dropping School Kids Off

Springfield, MO – The first day of school signals the beginning of individual freedoms for thousands of Ozarks parents across the city. August 15 brings absolute independence from 9-3 Monday – Friday and many parents are eager to taste the sweet liberty that secondary education offers. “F’ yeah – let’s all go to White Water, […]

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Teachers Prepare for Summer Hibernation

Springfield, MO- With the school year rapidly ending, teachers from across the Ozarks are getting ready for their yearly 3 month hibernation. As most teacherologist and general populace know, teachers have no life other than school so when summer vacation comes around they are no longer needed until the next school year. During this time […]

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Fugitive Ruins Recess for Hundreds of Nixa Students

Nixa, MO – Earlier this week, known and wanted fugitive, Matthew Allen was spotted strolling in Nixa, forcing 3 local schools to be placed on lock-down preventing afternoon recess to take place. Students at Mathews Elementary, Espy Elementary and Nixa High School were upset and confused by the decision. “I was s’pose to swing with […]

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MSU Roommate Relationship Reaches Boiling Point

  Springfield, MO- Even though they have only been living together for just a few weeks, Larry Harshman and Kyle Founder’s relationship has reached a breaking point. The two MSU freshmen had high hopes for their living situations when coming into the fall semester. Bonding over such things as all-night Halo death matches, acting as […]

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College Students Inconvenienced By Classes

  Springfield, MO- With college classes starting this week, many college students dread the fast pace rat race of academia. Many of the students, being out school since May, know they will have trouble getting back to the flow of lectures, labs, and extracurricular activities. “I can’t believe we have to go back already,” states […]

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Sidewalk Improv Starting on Glenstone

  Springfield, MO— This summer promises to be the most improvisationally-filled sidewalk summer in history as road signs indicate that teams of improv players will be taking to the sidewalks on Glenstone avenue soon. “Ah, yeah I saw the signs for sidewalk improv and I was all like stoked for the hilarity on my walk […]

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Graduation Recessional Will Lead Directly to Unemployment Line

  Springfield, MO- To save time, money and hope, all college and high school graduations will end with the graduates walking directly into the unemployment line. With the recession still looming over many industries, Missouri colleges and high schools thought it best to “cut out the middle man” and send the graduates directly to government […]

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High School Sweethearts Break Up in College

  Springfield, MO – The Facebook relationship statuses of Evan Black and Emily Taylor confirmed today that the two high school sweethearts had broken up. The couple had been together for two years in high school and originally planned on getting married after college, but only managed to last as long as three semesters. Experts […]

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Naked Billboard Arouses Bachelor’s Interest

Springfield, MO – In the school’s latest effort to drive undergraduate enrollment, Ozarks Technical College launched a new outdoor ad campaign that’s exposing Springfield to the desirability of higher education. Featuring a female co-ed whose lady bumps are obscured only by the thin shield of her laptop, the billboards have been turning heads and dropping […]

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Student Misses School Closing Screen Crawl

Springfield, MO—Jude Kimmers, a sophomore at Hillcrest High School totally missed the “s” section of the school closing screen crawl on the local news this morning. According to his sister, Jamie, Kimmers had been watching the morning news in hopes that Springfield Public Schools would close due to icy road conditions. “Jude was glued to […]

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Cofer’s Address Focuses on Bow Tie Usage

Springfield, MO— In his first State of the University address, the new president of Missouri State University didn’t just try to motivate, he stressed the importance of the bowtie. James Cofer outlined many challenges, most notably, the adoption of an oft-overlooked men’s accessory. “The bowtie has served me well over the years, and I feel […]

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Students Read, Drink and Make Love

Republic, MO—Local students have learned that by reading books they can learn how to get drunk, and live promiscuous lifestyles. Usually these traits are picked up genetically or by observing the behaviors of their parents. Fortunately, two communities in the Ozarks are providing safe havens for students who don’t want to learn about drinking and […]