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SnakeOil

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Dead Bodies Cremated via Fireworks Display

Springfield, MO – Starting this Saturday, Greenfawn Memorial Gardens will showcase its first ever fireworks display by strapping dead bodies to large pyrotechnics in order to cremate dead people with a big bang. These heavy-duty fireworks are manufactured to be attached to dead bodies by PM Pyrotechnics.  The inaugural display will be near Greenfawn Memorial […]

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Screaming Soccer Mom Orgasms On Sideline

Springfield, MO – Cries of “Yes, yes, yes!” & “Go! Go! Go!” as well as “Faster! Go! Yes!” were heard during a children’s soccer tournament this weekend at Lake Country Soccer Fields, confirming suspicions of several bystanders that the lady jumping around was in fact having an orgasm on the sidelines. “What the hell are […]

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Royals Win; Hell Drops to 60 Degrees

Springfield, MO – According to statisticians, the core temperature of hell has dropped significantly but not quite to freezing temperatures as the Kansas City Royals advance to the World Series, an event they haven’t participated in for over 29 years. “In honor of George Brett, I’m going to cover myself in pine tar and run […]

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RAIN! Your Questions Answered by the Missouri DOT

As fall comes to southwest Missouri, it brings with it a host of difficulties for drivers, chief among these is more frequent rain. We spoke with Gerald Nash of the Missouri Department of Transportation to get answers to some tough questions posed by Springfield area drivers. Q: When it’s raining, how much is the speed limit […]

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Reynolds to Retire; Voice Tony the Tiger Cartoon Mascot

Springfield, MO – After driving into the KY3 parking lot in 1967, Ned Reynolds has held a position with the company for nearly 50 years, but times change and he has announced his retirement to accepted a position with the Kellogg’s Company to voice Tony the Tiger, the advertising cartoon mascot for Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes […]

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#GrowMO Blimp Gets High Man, So High

Springfield, MO – Locals were treated to an aerial suggestion to grow mo’ weed yesterday as the #GrowMO blimp canvased the metro area of Springfield, Missouri. Most drivers were mesmerized by the flying dirigible and began following it in their vehicles to its landing spot at the downtown airport. “The traffic was crazy. A freakin’ […]

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Queen Moves In To Grand Palace

Branson, MO – British rock band, Queen is moving into the Grand Palace fulfilling both the need for a stadium rock group that appeals to a younger generation and a clever ploy to place rock royalty into a palatial venue. After years of sitting empty, the Grand Palace will feature the latest version of the […]

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Buffett Dealership Purchase Excites Parrotheads

Springfield, MO – Rumors are circulating that areas dealerships will soon be decorated with pirate and beach paraphernalia after a major purchase by Mr. Buffett. “I’m really excited that Jimmy Buffet is now an owner of dealers in the area,” said Nate Flegflop of Springfield, “I think a little island fun will increase sales of […]

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Assassinations Feared as Ninja-Warrior Gym Opens

Springfield, MO – Citizens across the region are expressing concern over the opening of Warrior Sports that features similar obstacles and training in order to strengthen and produce American Ninja Warriors here in the Ozarks. “I don’t believe that we should be encouraging our young people to become covert agents or mercenaries,” said Helen Figrothberg […]

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SnakeOil September

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Venice of the Ozarks Briefly Revealed

Springfield, MO – Yesterday flood rains dissected the city of Springfield into a group of 118 small islands separated by canals and for a few moments Springfield existed as the Venice of the Ozarks, further verifying the city as one of the most important tourist destinations in the world. Before the deluge of rain, Springfield, […]

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Snake Oil – September

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MSU Provost Finally Exacts Revenge

Springfield, MO – In what’s being labeled as “an act thirty seven years in the making”, Missouri State University Provost and Vice Chairman of Bureaucratic Affairs Manfred Finnegan is being hailed as both “a visionary in the art of revenge” and “possibly the worst person to ever exist” as a result of his decision to […]

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Mobile Car Compactor Solves MSU Parking Problem

Springfield, MO – Missouri State University officials acknowledged campus parking has been causing extra challenges this fall, because of more students and new construction so they have implemented a plan to bring in a mobile car compactor to help alleviate parking congestion. “When I hear a complaint that says there is no where to park, […]