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MSU Opens Community Catbox

Springfield, MO – Though it will be used in the summer as a sand volleyball court, MSU athletic department officials  have come to an agreement with CCLS (Crazy Cat Ladies of Springfield), to utilize the new, enormous sand pit as a gathering place in the off season for both stray and kept cats in Central […]

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Snake Oil

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Cold Prevents Zombie Uprising

Springfield, MO – Insiders learned that hundreds of undead have postponed plans to overtake Springfield, MO due to frigid temperatures during a breach in a zombie gathering today beneath the city in a tunnel near downtown. “I hear them say ‘too cold’ and ‘postpone’ in between disjointed moans,” said Alex Lopinop, a zombie hunter and […]

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Persimmon Chopsticks Seed Indicate GODZILLA!

Springfield, MO – According to weather folklore, the seed of a persimmon can give clues about an upcoming winter’s weather patterns; the fork, knife and spoon shapes are indicators to what winter may hold. However, this fall the seeds have yielded a rare shape, the chopsticks, and speculation is rampant as horticulturists try to find […]

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Man Attempts Leaficide

Springfield, MO – Large trees are often considered beautiful especially during the fall when leaves change color in bright bursts of red, orange and yellow, however, one resident became overwhelmed by the falling foliage this weekend and was found in a leaf pile on the street after an attempted leaficdie outside his home. Neighbors said […]

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SnakeOil

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Dead Bodies Cremated via Fireworks Display

Springfield, MO – Starting this Saturday, Greenfawn Memorial Gardens will showcase its first ever fireworks display by strapping dead bodies to large pyrotechnics in order to cremate dead people with a big bang. These heavy-duty fireworks are manufactured to be attached to dead bodies by PM Pyrotechnics.  The inaugural display will be near Greenfawn Memorial […]

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Screaming Soccer Mom Orgasms On Sideline

Springfield, MO – Cries of “Yes, yes, yes!” & “Go! Go! Go!” as well as “Faster! Go! Yes!” were heard during a children’s soccer tournament this weekend at Lake Country Soccer Fields, confirming suspicions of several bystanders that the lady jumping around was in fact having an orgasm on the sidelines. “What the hell are […]

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Royals Win; Hell Drops to 60 Degrees

Springfield, MO – According to statisticians, the core temperature of hell has dropped significantly but not quite to freezing temperatures as the Kansas City Royals advance to the World Series, an event they haven’t participated in for over 29 years. “In honor of George Brett, I’m going to cover myself in pine tar and run […]

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RAIN! Your Questions Answered by the Missouri DOT

As fall comes to southwest Missouri, it brings with it a host of difficulties for drivers, chief among these is more frequent rain. We spoke with Gerald Nash of the Missouri Department of Transportation to get answers to some tough questions posed by Springfield area drivers. Q: When it’s raining, how much is the speed limit […]

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Reynolds to Retire; Voice Tony the Tiger Cartoon Mascot

Springfield, MO – After driving into the KY3 parking lot in 1967, Ned Reynolds has held a position with the company for nearly 50 years, but times change and he has announced his retirement to accepted a position with the Kellogg’s Company to voice Tony the Tiger, the advertising cartoon mascot for Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes […]

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#GrowMO Blimp Gets High Man, So High

Springfield, MO – Locals were treated to an aerial suggestion to grow mo’ weed yesterday as the #GrowMO blimp canvased the metro area of Springfield, Missouri. Most drivers were mesmerized by the flying dirigible and began following it in their vehicles to its landing spot at the downtown airport. “The traffic was crazy. A freakin’ […]

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Queen Moves In To Grand Palace

Branson, MO – British rock band, Queen is moving into the Grand Palace fulfilling both the need for a stadium rock group that appeals to a younger generation and a clever ploy to place rock royalty into a palatial venue. After years of sitting empty, the Grand Palace will feature the latest version of the […]

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Buffett Dealership Purchase Excites Parrotheads

Springfield, MO – Rumors are circulating that areas dealerships will soon be decorated with pirate and beach paraphernalia after a major purchase by Mr. Buffett. “I’m really excited that Jimmy Buffet is now an owner of dealers in the area,” said Nate Flegflop of Springfield, “I think a little island fun will increase sales of […]

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Assassinations Feared as Ninja-Warrior Gym Opens

Springfield, MO – Citizens across the region are expressing concern over the opening of Warrior Sports that features similar obstacles and training in order to strengthen and produce American Ninja Warriors here in the Ozarks. “I don’t believe that we should be encouraging our young people to become covert agents or mercenaries,” said Helen Figrothberg […]