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Tornado Waits Outside of City Limits

Springfield, MO – According to storm chasers, a mild tornado is circulating outside of city limits waiting the perfect time to dash across the area garnering every meteorologist’s undying attention. The tornado was first sighted 2 weeks ago crouched behind an abandoned barn near I-44. “I suspect the ‘nado is waiting for the weather to […]

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Tornado Update: “Definitely, Maybe”

Local forecasters in the Ozarks have taken up a new mantra for the wild and wacky weather system currently taking up residence over Southwest Missouri. “We’re upgrading the chances of severe weather to “Definitely, Maybe” over most of the listening area along with upgrading Dallas County to “Absolutely Possibly Likely” at this time” said local […]

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Storms Increases Dramatic, Passionate Rain Kisses By 200%

  Springfield, MO- With torrential rain pouring all over the Ozarks, many couples are taking the dramatic, soaking backdrop as an opportunity to embrace romanticly.  One cannot drive down the water-drenched streets without seeing a couple running toward each other with rain-soaked clothes, mouths agape. “Jeremy….Jeremy!!!” called Cindy Wallace as she rans toward her boyfriend […]

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Large Red Blob Threatening Ozarks

Springfield, MO – Meteorologists are reporting across the region of a looming, red blob that will enter our area on Tuesday and hang around causing unknown damage and other things. The red blob was first reported by meteorologist Hans Zeenit who proclaimed “Red mass…headed to….Ozarks” before collapsing from fear. Speculators are speculating that the red […]

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Tornado Drill Announced for Yesterday

  Springfield, MO – Yesterday a tornado drill was activated across Greene County frightening thousands of civilians who were not expecting it. Scores of sissies were set on pins and needles with the test and many more were thrilled with the opportunity to jest and poke fun at the frighten-prone wussies who feared for their […]

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Southern Springfield Winter Wonderland, Northern Springfield Frozen Hellscape

Springfield, MO- This week, winter weather both devastated and beautified Springfield depending on the location. Light ice and snow turned Southern Springfield into a Norman Rockwell type winter paradise with laughing children creating snow forts, sledding, and enjoying playful snowball fights. The northern part of town had heavier snowfall and ice transforming it into a […]

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Whimsical Snownado Warning Pleasantly Issued

Springfield, MO – Following strange weather reports, the National Weather Service has issued a Snownado warning for Southwestern Missouri until 5:45 pm. At 6:30 am, trained weather spotters reported a wonderfully white funnel 7 miles west of Battlefield or near Springfield. A snownado may develop at any time and shower the area with little fluffy […]

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Climate Change Nerds Ruin Seasonally Warm Weather

Springfield, MO-  While most Springfield residents were pleasantly surprised by the warm weather yesterday, a bunch of egg-head losers actually complained about the 70 degree temperatures.  The know-it -all nerds told various residents that even though the warm days are nice now, climate change will have dire consequences in the future. “While you all are […]

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“Huge Asteroid No Threat to Earth” Laughs, Running and Screaming Astronomers

Springfield, MO – Local astronomers are claiming that the large asteroid flying in nearly the same orbit as Earth will make a close pass by the planet, but there’s no chance of an impact. Several astronomers at Baker Observatory, Ozarks Amateur Astronomers Club (OAAC) confirmed that claim while packing several cases of survival food packages […]

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Hurricane Sandy Expected to Merge with Ozarks Tornado, setting off New Madrid Fault Line

Springfield, MO – Local weather experts are fearful that hurricane Sandy will turn its sights onto the Midwest after it destroys the Eastern Coast of the United States. After already merging with a nor’easter and clashing into Arctic winds, Sandy is growing stronger each day. “This storm has an appetite that cannot be contained. If […]

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Mother Nature to Missouri: Is That Enough Water For You, You Babies?

Springfield, MO- With rain seemingly falling constantly for a period of days, many Ozarkians are wondering why this rain could not come earlier to relieve the drought ridden summer. In yesterday’s press conference Mother Nature was very direct in her answer. “You whiners complained about no rain all summer. Well, you want some water? Here […]

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Freistatt Distributes Beer to Prevent Grass Fires

FREISTATT, Mo. – The village of Freistatt is announcing a unique measure to help its own citizens prevent grass fires. The village will provide beer saved from last years’ Ernte-Fest to anyone living within a three-mile radius of Freistatt that has access to their own 3,000 to 5,000-gallon portable beer tank. Officials stress the beer […]

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Springfield Stopping Mountain Dew’s “Water is for Wussys” Ad Campaign

Springfield, MO- With summer temperatures coming earlier, heat-related illnesses are on the rise- making good hydration very important. But, Mountain Dew’s new ad campaign is down playing the importance of water, which is making Springfield health officials never nervous. The campaign declares that “Water is for Wussys” on numerous venues including bus stop benches and […]

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Ozarkers In Heat Advisory – No Reproduction Efforts Allowed

Springfield, MO – According to Health officials, Southwest Missouri is in an “in heat advisory” which means people shouldn’t engage in any sexual activity. Record heat and heat indexes have locals’ sweaty panties in a wad. Any activity geared towards reproduction is highly discouraged while this dry, hot weather is in effect. “I was all […]

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Flip-book of Approaching Storm Now Available

Springfield, MO – Local meteorologists and news stations have commemorated yesterday’s weather activity with a novelty flip-book now available at any area news station front desk. Tired of settling for convenient digital solutions the Ozarks news crew bonded together to produce a 142-page graphic representation of the approaching storm clouds in a paper medium. “Seriously, […]