All Entries in the "Weather" Category
Mother Nature to Missouri: Is That Enough Water For You, You Babies?
Springfield, MO- With rain seemingly falling constantly for a period of days, many Ozarkians are wondering why this rain could not come earlier to relieve the drought ridden summer. In yesterday’s press conference Mother Nature was very direct in her answer. “You whiners complained about no rain all summer. Well, you want some water? Here [...]
Freistatt Distributes Beer to Prevent Grass Fires
FREISTATT, Mo. – The village of Freistatt is announcing a unique measure to help its own citizens prevent grass fires. The village will provide beer saved from last years’ Ernte-Fest to anyone living within a three-mile radius of Freistatt that has access to their own 3,000 to 5,000-gallon portable beer tank. Officials stress the beer [...]
Springfield Stopping Mountain Dew’s “Water is for Wussys” Ad Campaign
Springfield, MO- With summer temperatures coming earlier, heat-related illnesses are on the rise- making good hydration very important. But, Mountain Dew’s new ad campaign is down playing the importance of water, which is making Springfield health officials never nervous. The campaign declares that “Water is for Wussys” on numerous venues including bus stop benches and [...]
Ozarkers In Heat Advisory – No Reproduction Efforts Allowed
Springfield, MO – According to Health officials, Southwest Missouri is in an “in heat advisory” which means people shouldn’t engage in any sexual activity. Record heat and heat indexes have locals’ sweaty panties in a wad. Any activity geared towards reproduction is highly discouraged while this dry, hot weather is in effect. “I was all [...]
Flip-book of Approaching Storm Now Available
Springfield, MO – Local meteorologists and news stations have commemorated yesterday’s weather activity with a novelty flip-book now available at any area news station front desk. Tired of settling for convenient digital solutions the Ozarks news crew bonded together to produce a 142-page graphic representation of the approaching storm clouds in a paper medium. “Seriously, [...]
Political Storm Alert – Santorum and Paul Warning in Ozarks
Springfield, MO – The National Political Service in Springfield has issued a Republican Presidential Candidate warning for Greene County in southwest Missouri until 9pm CST Saturday night. At 5:12 pm trained politician spotters reported several Republican candidates were seen moving towards the Missouri Ozarks. Listen here: Political Storm Warning A political barrage of television advertisements [...]
Branson Tornado Skips Over Cracked Ripley’s Building
Branson, MO – The vicious tornado that ripped apart the Branson Strip entertainment area apparently stopped short of demolishing the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Odditorium, presumable due to the building already having the appearance of destruction. “I’d say that mighty black tornader seen the Ripley’s building and figured it was already fallin’ apart so [...]
Fall Postponed To Late November
Springfield, MO- Due to numerous set backs and mistakes Autumn will be coming months later than usual. The ridiculous heat and humidity will continue until after Thanksgiving. The delay is contributed to many factors. The cooler weather was lost in the mail due to a shipping error. The order form for yellow, red, and [...]
MSU’s SOAR Tour a Grim Death March Due To Heat
Springfield, MO- Due to the incredible heat, MSU’s SOAR tours are transformed into grim death marches. The tours (to show upcoming freshmen where various campus buildings are located) are usually a pleasurable experience to the anxious pre-fresh, but now are seen as a hellish decent into the bowels of an inferno. “I am so excited [...]
Sweltering Heat Places Ozarks in Slow Motion
Springfield, MO—Extreme temperatures have forced everyday folk to live their lives in an altered state of reality: slow motion. The burdening heat has forced Springfield residents’ movements to lag, speech to slur and general motion to be delayed. Said one local man, Nate Gringer, “Muhh llliiiifffeeee iiiiissss sssssooooo ssssssllllooooowwww” as his mouth struggled to [...]
Springfield Survives 42-Minute Drought
Springfield, MO—The clouds finally opened with their life bringing rain, thus ending the torturous 42 minute drought plaguing the Springfield area. The drought occurred from 3:18 to 4:00, marking the longest time Springfield has not seen rain in weeks. “I didn’t think we were going to make it,” said Charles Flagstaff, a Springfield resident. After [...]
Naked Man Taunts Gods of Rain, Flood Waters
Springfield, MO—As thoughtless rains flooded the Ozarks on Monday one man, Charles Naysmith climbed to the top of his roof held onto his ancient TV antennae and shouted, “You call this a storm?!” as a last ditch effort to mock the gods of flooding and constant rain. Naysmith was called away from work to [...]
Tornado Warning Issued Until October
Springfield, MO—Local meteorologist have issued a tornado warning to last the entire spring and summer of 2011: experts expect the alert to expire sometime in early October. “The Ozarks are blessed with fantastic weather, we just have a small patch of time -7 months – when God’s finger can destroy your home, belongings and [...]
Earthquake Evidence Reveals Fable As Fact
Guy, AR – Last nights late evening earthquake rattled may Ozark residents. The USGS reported this was on the magnitude of a 4.7 earthquake. Reports of how far north into Missouri that shock could be felt are sketchy as many Ozarkers may be making up false reports because they don’t want to be left out [...]
Springfield Again Warm After Slaying White Witch
Springfield, MO- Frigid temperatures and constant snowfall are no longer a problem thanks to Springfield citizens slaying the White Witch. The White Witch, who resides in her dark castle at 1366 Cedar Way, has been plaguing the Ozarks with blizzards, icy temperatures, and horrible road conditions since late January. No one knows the source of [...]
