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RSSArchive for February, 2011

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Local Crack Dealers Unnerved By Prostitution Ring Bust

Springfield, MO – With the recent big bust of a local prostitution ring at the much-heralded eyesore Landmark Building, some local crack dealers took the opportunity to chime in on the situation. “I tell you what, it’s a damn shame, the way this neighborhood has gone to the dogs,” said a dealer who goes only […]

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Local Borders Patrons go Apeshit

Springfield (MO) – Avid readers, bargain shoppers, and moderate fans of words who need to fill up that bookshelf of theirs have been flocking to the local Borders book store since the start of its going-out-of-business sale this last Saturday. “Times are tough,” said Borders assistant manager, Lee Ledford, “and we are just one of […]

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Fair City News Regresses in Technology

Springfield, MO—Local satire news publication Fair City News has regressed in technology going from online blog format to the printed press. The move was made 12 months ago and readers seem to have embraced the failure in tech-forward movement. “I personally thought the move to print was great, I always need a worthless rag to […]

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Borders Building To House Barnes and Noble Servers

Springfield, MO- The old Border’s bookstore building has been purchased by Barnes and Noble to be used as storage for their various computer servers. Barnes and Noble, needing the extra server space and bandwidth to deal with the thousands of patrons visiting their web site every day, bought the building for 25 dollars and a […]

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Blind To Get Driver Licenses

Jefferson City MO – In a legal loophole brought about the Missouri Transportation Committee to require English only testing to obtain a Missouri drivers license, legally blind people will soon be able to get a license as well. It appears that the committee’s efforts to push through the English speaking only bill has opened the […]

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Bitter Old Miser Shown True Meaning of President’s Day

Springfield, MO- Edgar Scrumb, owner of Scrum Mortgage and Loan, was taught a valuable lesson about caring, giving, and the true meaning of President’s Day by three spirits. Edgar’s horrify night started after telling his employees they have to work on President’s day. That night he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln and […]

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Sauna-vator Installed at Hammons Tower

Springfield, MO—Building officials confirmed that a new elevator with sauna-like properties has been installed inside one of Springfield’s most posh, luxury-office complexes, the Hammons Tower. Office tenants are encouraged to disrobe upon entering the Sauna-vator, drape a towel around their backside and enjoy the benefits of weight loss, detoxification, negative ions and lower blood pressure […]

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Being Social…

Being social is not as fun as it used to be.  It has become a lot more difficult as I get older as is the case with frequent urination and an overall inability to control my anger towards slow drivers and balloon making clowns.  Frankly, I find that having to be social has become the […]

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Fail Sign

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Bungholes Targeted in Springfield Area

Springfield, MO—According to John Millerstone, Springfield motorists have been tasked with reporting bungholes to the city to aid in the clean up of the Bunghole Patrol. “Yeah, I just heard it on the radio. They need help cleaning up the city streets and getting rid of all the bungholes in our community,” said Millerstone, “I […]

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PUBLIC CELEBRATES “REDUCED PRICE CHOCOLATE DAY”

Springfield, MO – As news spread of plentiful chocolate supplies left over from Valentines’ Day, stores have drastically reduced the price of sweets packaged in red and/or heart shaped containers beginning February 15th.   Chocolates can now be found up to 50% off at most chocolate merchants around the area. Local candy store owner Julie Sweet […]

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Experts Baffled as Local Single Woman Enjoys Herself on Valentine’s Day, Thank You Very Much

Springfield, MO – February 14 was just another Monday for Brenda Morton. She went to work, mingled with coworkers, hit the gym after work, then later saw a movie with friends. But as February 14 is not Just Another Day for the rest of the world, experts and acquaintances alike are concerned about Morton’s well-being. […]

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Husbands Realize Valentine’s Day Was Yesterday

Springfield, MO- A collective groan was heard all over Springfield yesterday when hundreds of Ozark area husbands realized that they forgot Valentine’s day. Although the February 14th holidays falls on the same date every year (February 14th) many husbands were befuddled by the fact it was a Monday. “I knew something was up when she […]

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Springfield Again Warm After Slaying White Witch

Springfield, MO- Frigid temperatures and constant snowfall are no longer a problem thanks to Springfield citizens slaying the White Witch. The White Witch, who resides in her dark castle at 1366 Cedar Way, has been plaguing the Ozarks with blizzards, icy temperatures, and horrible road conditions since late January. No one knows the source of […]

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Anticipated Snow Melt To Boost City’s Revenues In An Unlikely Way

Springfield, MO – As local temperatures begin an anticipated 70 degree swing towards the positive over the next few days, Springfield City Council is planning on generating some revenues in a most unusual way….they’ll be selling off all of the surplus salt they’ve accumulated for this storm to local Chinese restaurants. “I don’t know about […]