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RSSArchive for July, 2010

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Criminals Target Teens with Grandparent Scam

Springfield, MO—According to sources, scammers posing as elderly people are calling teens asking them to “bring ‘em their slippers”, “rub grandpa’s feet” and asking for permission to “pinch those cuuuuuuute cheeks” among other things such as money, medicine and fresh baked goods. The ring of criminal activity targets teens asking them for favors. The callers […]

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Cup Thesis In Bridge’s Wire Fence

Springfield, MO – A local Missouri State University graduate student has been trying to complete his Master’s thesis for years now, and the end is not in sight. Dean Crayley has been a student at MSU for 20 years, 16 of which have been spent in pursuit of his graduate thesis. “I have the whole […]

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Dogs Benefit From New Hydrant Color

Springfield, MO—Neighborhood dogs are getting an upgrade that no one would have expected thanks to local firefighters efforts to make fire hydrants more visible. Teams are currently working to repaint all 7,000 hydrants with a brighter, more reflective paint, which will improve urinal locations for all canines. “I’m just so excited that the City is […]

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Greene County Outsources Court Cases

Springfield MO—The overwhelming caseload for Greene County attorneys looks to be tamed by a much needed solution; starting August 15th, excess court cases will be outsourced to attorneys in India and Pakistan.  Video teleconferencing in Greene County courtrooms will allow remote debating to conduct trails.  Attorneys from foreign countries will be granted licenses to practice […]

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Dragon Attacks Chesterfield Village

Springfield, MO—Chesterfield Village was burnt asunder yesterday when a fire-breathing dragon attacked the peaceful hamlet. The village, resting on the banks of the River of James, contains numerous shops and pubs that were mostly destroyed. The attack was mid-morning while most serfs and peasants where starting their day. Frendrel Axsword, a paladin champion that protects […]

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Billy Long Gets Well Fed, Fed Up

Springfield, MO—Missouri’s 7th  Congressional District hopeful Billy Long ate another meal and possibly made new political friends at the same time.  According to Billy it went like this.  “I was on a doughnut run for my staff when I came upon this group called the Well Fed Neighborhood Alliance.  I thought it was an offshoot of […]

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Staxx Owner Buys Jelly Beans, Red Hots, Peach O’s

Springfield, MO—According to sources, Meghan Chambers, owner of Staxx LLC downtown clothing store, has purchased several gummy confectioneries made of sugars, gelatin, corn syrup, and starch. On Tuesday, an employee at the Candy House on South Campbell Avenue confirmed that she saw Chambers picking through an assorted bin of Jelly Belly beans, meticulously picking out […]

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Sufjan Stevens Writes “Missouri” Music Album

Springfield, MO – Indie-pop/folk musician Sufjan Stevens has announced that he is continuing his “50 States Project” with an upcoming concept album about the state of Missouri. In an attempt to write and release an album about each state, Stevens will follow his “Greetings from Michigan!” and “Come on Feel the Illinoise” albums with “Missouri […]

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iPager Development at Jordan Valley Innovation Center

Springfield, MO— The Jordan Valley Innovation Center (JVIC), a Missouri State University research center, has been tied to rumors of Apple’s newest project; development of the iPager. Rumors began swirling after the release of the iPad, and through a network of confidants, it is 99% accurate that the JVIC will have a hand in the […]

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Local Woman Finds John Q. Image In French Toast

Springfield, MO – Mrs. Ginger Rinkenbaugh received quite a surprise yesterday morning when the unmistakable image of John Q. Hammons appeared on her second slice of French toast. It was not a sign that she takes lightly in the least. “I had just told my husband, Mortimer, that I was at a loss as to […]

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Daly’s Pants Displayed at Murder Rock

Branson, MO – In honor of John Daly’s 6-under-par 66 in the first round of the Open Championship, his outrageous pants have been shipped directly to his Murder Rock Golf and Country Club in the Ozarks. Officially licensed replica trousers will be available for purchase in the coming weeks. “When John christened Murder Rock playing […]

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Local Man Has Had It

Springfield, MO – Local zookeeper Adam Wilkins has just about had it, he reported late yesterday. Apparently the pecking order of employees comes at a cost that Mr. Wilkins is no longer prepared to tolerate. “For 11 long years, I’ve lovingly maintained the reptile house, risking my life on several occasions in order to feed […]

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Bijan’s Closing = Heartache, End to Pronunciation Debate

Springfield, MO—A Facebook post, tweet, e-mail news release, sky writing, and drunk-text from 417 Magazine confirmed late today that local eatery Bijan’s is closed for good. Local eater of food Shantal Johnson told us, through tears of shock, “I never actually ate there, but my boyfriend and I loved arguing over whether it was “Bee-Janns” […]

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Pythian Castle Ghosts Seek License to Haunt

Springfield, MO—On Monday, the Pythian Castle was officially certified as a haunted location; now the castle owner, Linda Finny, says the spooks are taking the next steps to achieve full licensing. “Certification was a long tedious process, but it is essential to earning a full license to haunt,” said Finny. “Paranormal activities in the castle […]

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World Cup Interrupts Weather Report

Springfield, MO—A local ABC-affiliated television station attempted to broadcast a special weather report on Sunday, however, it was interrupted several times by the presentation of FIFA’s final game of the World Cup. Karl Hirky, a Springfield resident, who was tuned in at the time said, “I like watching the weather in Camdenton, MO so the […]