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RSSArchive for March, 2010

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Wal-Mart Replaces Greeters with Chimpanzees

Boliver, MO – Negative customer feedback has led Wal-Mart to begin replacing door greeters with trained Chimpanzees. “In test studies, we found that the chimps were seen as more friendly and could respond more quickly and expertly to customer concerns than the current door greeters,” said Wal-Mart public manipulations representative Sanford Serifftico. Chimps will also […]

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Jefferson Avenue Footbridge Not Actually Shaped like a Foot

Springfield, MO – For years the name of “The Jefferson Avenue Footbridge” has been a source of classroom debates, heated dinner conversation and late-night radio station call-ins. FCN has attempted to bridge the gap between the name of the bridge and the reason for the name of the bridge. Many have speculated the bridge was […]

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AT&T’s Customers To Pay Legal Fines, Fees

Springfield, MO—According to AT&T procedures, the excessivie fines incurred by the loss of $7.45 million to the City of Springfield for back taxes and attoryney’s fees will be paid for by customer fee hikes. “Alexander Grahm Bell always said we should tax our customers whenever we fail to live up to our business obligations,” said […]

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Vast Potpourri of Names Offered for Springfield Gateway

Springfield, MO—The Jordan Valley Advisory Committee has offered up six distinctly different choices for citizens to consider in the new quarry redevelopment project. They include: Jordan Valley East Gateway Plaza, Jordan Valley Gateway Plaza, Gateway Plaza at Jordan Valley, The Commons at Jordan Valley, East Greens at Jordan Valley and The Quarry at Jordan Valley.  […]

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Officials Claim Heer’s Building “Too Big To Fail”

Springfield, MO – In what might be viewed as a controversial move by local citizens, Springfield City Council has determined that the Heer‘s building is “too big to fail” and plans to inject cash into the project immediately and for the foreseeable future. “What many so-called “common people” don’t seem to get is just how […]

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Local Man Outraged Sushi House Won’t Prepare Cheeseburger

Springfield, MO – Ozark resident Jim Stancil left Nakato’s Japanese Steakhouse irate after the chef refused to prepare a cheeseburger for Stancil’s picky daughter. Stancil was planning a special anniversary dinner when co-worker Bill Timson suggested he take his wife to Nakato’s. Stancil said, “Bill told me this place was romantic or some crap like […]

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Bounty Hunter Finds Value At Sam’s Club

UPDATE: FINDING NO BARGAINS AT SAMS, DOG MOVES ON TO PATROL AREA BORDERS STORES. Springfield, MO— Duane “Dog” Chapman will be at the Sam’s Club on East Sunshine Blvd today hunting down bargains and bringing sale prices to justice. “Dog” gained fame at his job as a bounty hunter, at Da Kine Bail Bonds in […]

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NCAA Bracket Still Good For Something

Springfield, MO—According to reports, 9 out of 10 Ozarkers have a NCAA men’s basketball bracket that was rendered totally useless over the past weekend. Before scrapping the physical evidence of personal guessing stupidity, consider alternate uses for the “page of shame”. Locals have begun to ban together to add their brackets to the recycling center. […]

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Branson Comedians Required To Wear Dentures for 2010 Season

Branson, MO—FCN has learned the Missouri Department of Health Services is unveiling plans to require all Branson comedians wear dentures during the 2010 season. A DHS insider wishing to remain anonymous told FCN, “We have overlooked it for years because it was quaint and funny but for front-row patrons, it really has the potential of […]

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Office Worker Bets Future on NCAA Tourney

Springfield, MO—Stuck in a low income, dead-end job, Joan Embers has placed her children’s future on the results of the NCAA Men’s Tournament this week. Placing “$25,000 on a whim is stupid, but placing it on a sure winner is pure genius,” said Embers. According to Embers, she employed a sophisticated style of selection process […]

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City Dyes South Avenue Green

Springfield, MO—City officials announced they plan to dye South Avenue kelly green in observance of St. Patrick’s Day. Citing the lack of a central river bisecting the city, the government has decided to go with the next best option: a prominent downtown street. Mayor Jim O’Neal said, “Given my last name has an ‘O’ and […]

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McGregor Students Find Where The Sidewalk Ends

Springfield, MO—Local students found that there is a place where the sidewalk ends, before the street begins and near where the grass grows soft and white, where a huge truck must have traversed the walk where they were consumed in plain sight. One McGregor student victim said, “Let us leave this place where the concrete […]

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Ozarks Reportedly Forced Into Time Warp

Springfield, MO—Local residents were reportedly forced into a strange and unexpected time warp Sunday which may be linked to an ancient tradition of sun worship. Several residents experienced the movement of time and space by exactly one hour. “I woke up and started getting ready when I noticed that my phone and computer clocks were […]

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Local Video Store takes on Netflix, Redbox

Springfield, MO – A local movie rental company believes their business model is sound. It just needed some tweaking to compete with Netflix and Redbox in the Southwest Missouri market. “People love shopping at video rental stores,” said local Movie Holla’ Manager Dewey Dom. “The drive to the store, the smell of it, arguing with […]

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KY3 Weather Watchers Training Seminar Spawns Brawl

Springfield, MO—What began as a friendly gathering of KY3 Storm Team Weather Watchers apparently turned rancorous and physical during a recent monthly training exercise. According to on-lookers, Chief KY3 Storm Teamer Ron Hearst was concluding a particularly complicated presentation on the proper way to launch a weather balloon when “all hell broke loose” between rookie […]