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Crossfit…

Well, I have been gone for a while but I’m back.  I have been training for the upcoming summer season.  Its that time of year in which you have to get ready for the lake or pool and you want to appear fit.  There are a number of ways to do so as we are […]

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Caged People Fed By Animals

Strafford, MO – Organizers at Wild Animal Safari have announced a new tour that encourages patrons to sit in a cage and be fed by the wild animals on site. The change is in response to the USDA ruling that visitors to the park may no longer fed animals from their vehicles. “We strive to […]

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KC Chimps Escape Highway Shooter

Kansas City, MO – Seven chimpanzees attempted to escape the area to avoid random shootings that have been plaguing the area for several weeks. The chimps successfully used a tree limp to escape the Kansas City Zoo, but were apprehended with food and the promise of improved security. “The chimps have a valid point. I […]

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Diverging Diamond Necklace Unveiled at Justice Jewelers

Springfield, MO – Responding to consumers’ demand, and nodding to the unique traffic solutions employed around town, a local jeweler has recently unveiled the Diverging Diamond Necklace. The necklace pays homage to the diverging diamonds found in several Ozarks intersections. “We wanted to celebrate a traffic win for our area. We were the first to […]

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Downtown Businesses Expected to Open Secondary Shops in Farmer’s Park

Springfield, MO – According to city code 34.356987, all downtown businesses are now required to open a second location at the new Farmer’s Park. While several businesses have complied with the new regulation others are more reluctant to make the investment. “We just feel that creating another ‘hub’ of business might actually hurt our existing […]

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Cox South Bungee Jumping Therapy Heals with Thrills

Springfield, MO – Results are coming back positive from an experimental therapy involving a bungee jump at a Southside hospital. Cox South has been treating patients with their Bungee Jump Health Towers installation for the past few months and has experienced impressive recovery rates. “We are always looking for new ways to treat our patients,” […]

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Ozarkers Thankful for Endless Winter

Springfield, MO – Residents had reason to celebrate yet another winter storm this week as thundersleet, snow and freezing temperatures blanketed the Ozarks. Locals had feared that another winter weather pattern wouldn’t been seen until next year but those fears were relieved when the old man winter crapped out another round of shitty weather. “I […]

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Group Fart Propels SGF Into the Future

Springfield, MO – The entire population of our fair city was thrust forward into time this weekend after hundreds of people trouser coughed at once while at the 33rd Sertoma Chili Cook Off at the EXPO Center. The consolidated butt honk lurched the entire city into the future by 2.5 seconds. “It was very stange…one […]

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Ozarkers Brace for Warmer Weather

Springfield, MO – Local residents beaten down by the frozen temperatures are bracing themselves for absolutely gorgeous weather ahead. Shedding the heavy jackets is something that will be required as the mercury rises but many Ozarkers are resistant to the coming change. “My winter coat is so, so comfortable,” said Natalie Filuster, “I’m not sure […]

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Girl Scout Investigating Possible Data Theft

Springfield, MO – Local Girl Scout Lorie Damon is reporting that she may have experienced a credit and debit card data breach from her cookie sales impacted 14 customers, one of the largest security breach she has ever reported. The cookie retailer confirmed on Tuesday that unauthorized access to payment card data between Feb. 2 […]

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County Jail Photos Scanned for Potential Mate

Springfield, MO – Local criminals are taking to the Greene County Jail photo gallery of bookings to find a potential mate. Hosted on the SpringfieldNewsleader site, users refer to the gallery via multiple names including Booking.com, Crook.com and IncarcerCupid.com. “The crime and courts gallery allow those interested in finding a partner to match their criminal […]

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Mike the Intern

You saw them. You remember them. Those commercials pushing the GREATEST POWER BALLADS OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!!! In some cases, these songs were written by guys wearing just as much makeup as the women they were trying to hook up with. So let’s get right down to it. Mike The Intern’s Kinda OK Power Ballads of […]

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Children Build Preemptive Snowman

Springfield, MO – Upon hearing the news that Springfield Public Schools preemptively cancelled school today, dozens of children screamed in excitement, ran outside and immediately began building preemptive snowmen. “It was so sweet. My daughter ran out the front door and began to pantomime rolling in the snow, then she made a snow angel in […]

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Obama Encourages Nation to Try Springfield-Style Cashew Chicken

Springfield, MO – During the State of the Union address, President Obama urged all citizens of the United States to try Springfield-style cashew chicken as it “tastes really, really good.” The President continued, “not only does it taste good, but it is a perfect symbol of our current State of the Union. A common ingredient […]

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Polar Vortex Disease Blamed for Sick Days

Springfield, MO – Citing inhumane weather and uncomfortable feelings caused by decreased temperatures, hundreds of people across the Ozarks have called in sick prompting the World Health Organization to identify this new ailment as Polar Vortex Disease, or PVD. “I’ve battled PVD ever since I first heard of the polar vortex,” said Amanda Sitherton, “once […]