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RSSArchive for August, 2012

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Naked Man Found in Clothing Donation Bin

Springfield, MO – This past Tuesday a totally naked man was found hiding inside a clothing donation bin waiting for a nice-fitting outfit to drop in on him. After a quick database search the man was identified as Larry Lapp, who has a history of gambling. Police officer Gabby Rook said, “We found Lapp inside […]

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NFL Uses Replacement Fans

Springfield, MO – The National Football League will open the regular season with replacement fans in the Ozarks on opening day. League executives told the 32 teams that negotiations remain at a standstill between the NFL and the officials’ union, prompting fans to be replaced week 1. The replacement fans will be in the stands […]

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Springfield Up in Smoke

Springfield, MO – Springfield’s city council voted to pass an ordinance that would minimize the penalty for marijuana possession this week, opening the door to smoke-outs, ganja jungles, blunt block parties and year-round bud seasons. When asked about the measure, city council members used numerous mentions of “man”, “like” and “dude” while answering reporter questions, […]

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Springfield Youth To Protest RNC and Hurricanes

Springfield, MO- With the Republican National Convention and Hurricane Isaac both scheduled to take place this week, many Springfield youths are set to travel to Florida to protest them both. “The Republicans and hurricanes don’t care about poor people,” says protester Gary Morgan, “One destroyed New Orleans, and the other ruined it.” Many protestors are […]

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 Small Town Teens Too Busy Texting To Care About Dance Ban

Fair Grove, MO- After a devastating drinking and driving accident where Pastor Lithcow’s only son was nearly killed, the town of Green Oak (a small town 5 miles outside of Fair Grove) decided to ban all unruly teenage behavior. The behavior includes drinking, loud music, and dancing. But, all the teens are too busy texting, […]

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Authorities Search for Sidewalk ‘Teabagger’

Springfield, MO – Police have a simple warning for whoever is leaving their mark on all of the freshly poured pedestrian paths: “keep your junk off of our sidewalks”. The recent rash of testicular vandalism was first reported near the corner of Campbell & Walnut Lawn by Edna Lewis. Edna noticed the twin divots when […]

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Highland Springs Accepts Zombie Members

Springfield, MO – Not to be outdone by Augusta National’s announcement of accepting two women into its club, Highland Springs Country Club (HSCC) is making headlines by accepting its first undead members. On Monday, two animated corpses–brought back to life by mystical means – were accepted into the fold. Hans Lumbering-Skullcracker and Lori Moldy-Armbiter were […]

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City Builds Fountain to Water Conservation

Springfield, MO – With precious water reserves plummeting, City officials have agreed to build a fountain which will remind citizens of the importance of water conservation. The fountain will be a symbol of preservation. “We’ll pump 80-thousand gallons of water through the fountain each hour to remind citizens that water conservation should be taken seriously,” […]

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Todd Akin’s Teachers Blame Themselves Over Gaffe

Everywhere, MO- After Todd Akin’s expressed his belief that women can “shut that whole thing down” (her reproduction system after a legitimate rape), many teachers are stepping forward. The teachers feel that if they just worked a little harder, then Akin would have a better understanding how rudimentary things work, and that a penis is […]

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4th Graders Hijack School Bus to Escape School

Springfield, MO- 4th graders from Hilldale Elementary staged a daring coup yesterday when they took over a school bus to escape from the horrors of school. The 4th graders, armed with sling-shots and water pistols filled with cat urine held bus driver Hector Barnslow hostage and demanded a new destination. “It was awful,” Hector tells […]

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Rogue Cow Tippers Accused of Overturning Truck

Springfield, MO- Traffic was at a stand still when a truck filled with 70 head of cattle was overturned on US Highway 60. Although the incident has been ruled accidental, many authorities believe it was the handy work of over zealous cow tippers. “Cow tipping has been escalating for some time now,” said Detective Randals […]

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August Traffic Report

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Parents Rejoice After Dropping School Kids Off

Springfield, MO – The first day of school signals the beginning of individual freedoms for thousands of Ozarks parents across the city. August 15 brings absolute independence from 9-3 Monday – Friday and many parents are eager to taste the sweet liberty that secondary education offers. “F’ yeah – let’s all go to White Water, […]

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Opponents of Decriminalization Accidentally Picket Anti-Discrimination Group

Springfield, MO – A group of highly vocal demonstrators surrounded City Hall yesterday expressing their feelings against ‘crimiluh-zation’ of any sorts. What they lacked in vocabulary was more than made up for in their gusto. “No more criminalazation! No more weedings!” were the chants overheard near downtown. Sexual orientation demonstrators were seen at City Hall […]

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Maroney Not Impressed with New SDC Ride

Branson, MO – Silver Dollar City’s new roller coaster, Outlaw Run, was met with a lukewarm reception by American gymnast McKayla Maroney this week. The $10 million wooden roller coaster should be open next year and Maroney was invited to get a sneak peek at the structure while under construction. According to reports, Outlaw will […]