All Entries Tagged With: "missouri"
Missouri Highway To Be Renamed After Other Famous Liar
Jefferson City, MO—Mark McGwire highway could be renamed after another famous Missourian who told tall tales and spun a web of lies to achieve fame and fortune; Mark Twain.
“Why do we always got to name a highway after someone who isn’t exactly telling the truth?” pondered one Springfield native as he placed a brown paper [...]
Branson Landing “Boom Sale” Promotion Backfires
Branson, MO—Yesterday, several Branson Landing vendors were dealt a cruel hand as they launched their newly themed “Boom Sale” to gain additional sales during the tourist off-season.
“If we’d known that there was going to be some douche bag placing bombs near ATMs we would have never proceeded with the promotion,” said Branson Landing management, “Fortunately, [...]
Unknown Energy Sphere Seen Over Springfield
Springfield, MO—Local residents were alarmed yesterday by the presence of a large gaseous sphere hovering over the Ozarks’ skies yesterday. Many Springfieldians reported temporary blindness and momentary confusion while glancing at the heavens. “This is a land of gloom, clouds and semidarkness. We’re not supposed to have exposure to this kind of thing…this sunshine. We [...]
Boomer Bear Totally Whacked Dude With T-Shirt
Springfield, MO—A local Bears fan was totally whacked in the face with a t-shirt propelled by Missouri State University athletic mascot Boomer Bear during the MSU vs. Southern Illinois University game last night. Witnesses said the incident was quite amusing as the fan turned his head right into the whirling wrapped wardrobe shot from a [...]
2012, Hobos Delay Heer’s Tower Development
Springfield, MO—The Heer’s Tower was dealt another setback this week as developer Kevin McGowan failed to meet a critical deadline risking the possibility that development of the historic building will not occur before the end of the world in 2012.
After several deadline extensions, McGowan’s company, Blue Urban, failed to meet another chance for an $11.8 [...]
Carrie Underwood Preps for JQH Performance at Super Bowl
Springfield, MO—Carrie Underwood prepared for her JQH Arena performance by warming up the crowd at Super Bowl by singing the national anthem. Tickets will go on sale Friday for her performance at JQH Arena June 15 during half time of a Bears exhibition game.
Management for Underwood stressed that she needed a “small quite venue to [...]
HGTV Host Applauds Lawrence County Pink Jail Motif
Mt. Vernon, MO—With great fanfare, HGTV’s Color Splash mega-star and host David Bromstad, has singled out the recently remodeled Lawrence County Missouri jail’s all pink theme as “….bold, daring, and just a bit little naughty.” The idea of going all pink was the brainchild of Sheriff Brad Delay who cited hard data suggesting “…pink has [...]
Obese Triplets Rob Three Banks, Fool Police
Rolla, MO—In what was initially thought to be the same man robbing three banks, Missouri law enforcement have identified the “Truffle Shuffle Gang” as a dangerous group of fleshy felons. The endomorphic criminal element took police on, “a ride we’ll never forget,” according to Moberly City Policeman, Kevin Diggs. “We thought it was just one [...]
O’Neal’s Springfield Cage Match To Raise City Funds
Springfield, MO—In light of the recent economic downturn that the entire nation is enduring, Springfield Mayor Jim O’Neal has come up with a unique way to boost both the morale and coffers of the Queen City.
In a bold and unprecedented departure from “politics as usual” Mayor O’Neal has publicly called out the mayors of all [...]
Snowstorm Sponsored by Local Supermarkets
Springfield, MO—The coldest winter storm to hit the Ozarks in a decade will be brought to you by your local supermarkets this week. The local grocers network has pooled funds to sponsor the dangerous weather that will render this area helpless and immobile. Better stock up now before the paranoia promotion ends.
“We derive a significant [...]
Gigantic Postcard Lands in Southeast Springfield; Luke Wilson Arrested
Springfield, MO – Residents of southeast Springfield were greeted with calamitous surprise this morning. At approximately 7:25 a.m. a large quarter-mile sized postcard sliced through the Southern Hills neighborhood, crushing fourteen houses and damaging countless others. The massive postcard read, “Spring Has Sprung in Springfield Missouri,” accompanied by a picture of a flowering hillside.
News of [...]
John Q de Hotelier Statue Announced
Branson, MO—New statue plans were announced today to honor James Quentin Hammons, the holiest of hoteliers. Known as an American businessman and one of the nation’s premier developers of upscale luxury hotels and resorts, “John Q”, has conveyed a message of representing the general public and progress in Springfield, Missouri and beyond.
Overlooking Table Rock Lake, [...]
Secret Society Implements Symbol in Springfield Road Construction
Springfield, MO—Conspiracy theorists are claiming that the FreeDiamonds, an underground group in the Ozarks, is implementing a wicked secret symbol in the construction of diverging diamonds into everyday society. The existing and proposed locations of these traffic designs are said to form a satanic goat head with four existing points that represent fire, water, earth [...]
Sonic Releases “Meth Menu” In Missouri
Cape Girardeau, MO—Seeking to steal share from the QSR burger industry, a Sonic restaurant employee developed a stimulating and illegal menu of methamphetamine infused menu items. The new Meth Menu debut was halted by police who were called to the store in Missouri in the wee hours on Thursday morning.
The shift manager, 22-year-old Dennis Bratcher, [...]
Man Claiming to Have “Moved On” Still Sends Drunk Texts to Ex
Springfield, MO – Kurt Finn, 29, of Nixa woke up on Saturday morning with a headache and these missed texts: WTF?, U left me!, and LOL! YOU ARE SUCH a F*@%!
The night started out like any other Friday evening for Finn, at Trolley’s Grill & Bar in Springfield. He was enjoying some half-price [...]
