All Entries in the "Economy" Category
SGF Trucking Company to Haul Paterno Statue to Neverland Ranch
Springfield, MO – Local trucking company OptimusPrime has secured the transportation deal to move the statue of Joe Paterno from Happy Valley to Neverland Ranch. The move will take approximately 4 days driving time across the country and will begin early next week. “Fortunately, we found a buyer for the statue,” said a prominent Penn [...]
Drought Causes Sub Par Crop Circles
Xantrax, Alpha Prime System- With the worse drought since 1988 causing numerous corn crops to wither and die, Missouri farmers are heading for hard times. But, the farmers are not the only victims of the drought: aliens from the farthest reaches of the universe are coming to the Ozarks finding that dying corn is not [...]
Paul Bunyan Pissed to Find Wrenches at Rick’s Automotive
Springfield, MO – Famed lumberjack and North American folklore hero Paul Bunyan was extremely pissed to find his missing wrenches at Rick’s Automotive this week. According to sources, Paul rode into town on Babe the Blue Ox, saw a great sign giving temperature and time on Campbell street then realized it was being supported by [...]
Farmer’s Market Throw-Down
Springfield, MO – GSFM has thrown down the gauntlet, tripped and stabbed themselves in the grass-fed heart following a unanimous decision among a limited group of short-sighted members (about 3 people). Following a closed vote where members were not allowed to voice their opinion, GSFM dictated that anyone wanting to participate in the Farmers Market [...]
Salvation Army Invades Iowa to Secure Funding
Springfield, MO – Citing a lack of donations, the local chapter of the Salvation Army has invaded Iowa to make up a 20% difference in fundraising this year. Red Kettle Special Forces landed on the ground a few days ago to secure additional funding for the agency. “Mission Bell Ringer is an attempt to bring [...]
SOLO to Open Huge Frozen Yogurt Company
Springfield, MO – Peachwave, Fro Yo, Orange Leaf, Andy’s, and other frozen dessert companies, this is your warning: Solo Cup has announced that they will soon be serving the largest frozen yogurt in the Ozarks. Solo Cup, a plant that has been dormant for several years, has recently made plans to serve the creamy goodness [...]
Goths Reintroduced to Downtown Square
Springfield, MO – The Missouri Department of Conservation has successfully baited and trapped 49 goths for reintroduction to their natural habitat on the downtown square. The goth population was temporarily removed while their homeland was undergoing improvements. According to reports, the department will test the goths for a series of diseases before the can [...]
Marshall Law Declared When Chaos Reigns Due to 2.99 Gas
Springfield, MO- The Missouri National Guard responded to Springfield citizens who gave into their darkest, most savage nature when gas prices dropped below $3.00 a gallon this week. With prices so low Springfieldians turned on family, friends, strangers, and societal order to fill their tanks for 5 cents less a gallon. The gas-crazy mob [...]
Kum & Go To Add Slot Machine Gas Pumps
Springfield, MO- Due to the constantly varying gas prices, Kum & Go has decided to change all gas pumps to slot machine like apparatuses. Customers will put anywhere from one dollar to 25-dollars into the machines and pull the lever. Gas could be as low as 50-cents a gallon to 5-dollars depending on how [...]
In the Ozarks, Bank Of America Losing Ground To Bank of China
Springfield, MO- Due to multiple factors; the five-dollar debit card charge, a distrust of “bailed out” banks, and “Occupy Wall Street mania” many Ozarkians are switching from Bank of America to the newly created Bank of China. The new bank will offer free little red check books, a Great Wall mounted clock, and [...]
“99.9 Percent” Movement Fights for Higher Anti-Bacterial Standards
Springfield, MO – On the heels of the Occupy Wall Street movement that refer to themselves as 99 percenters (those Americans who are less powerful than the top earning 1 percent) a new local movement has begun calling themselves the 99.9 percenters. They aim to raise awareness of the remaining 0.1 percent of bacteria and [...]
Local Target Announces New Promotion: “MILFs all day everyday!”
Springfield, MO – After analyzing a recent survey of their customer demographics, Target discovered what sets them apart from most other retail stores in the area. Their key shoppers are young attractive females, mostly young mothers. They then commissioned a follow-up study to determine what it is about Target that this group likes the [...]
Walmart to Develop Wal-borhoods for More Neighborhood Markets
Springfield, MO – The Bentonville, AR based retail giant Walmart has announced plans to build more neighborhoods in the Ozarks to accommodate their growth plan for the area. Walmart will begin construction on the communities this fall which will allow time to build the Neighborhood Markets to support them by early next year. The [...]
Postal Service “Mails It In” Develops Mailbot
Springfield, MO – Frustrated by an antiquated business model and angered at the thought of financial collapse local mail carriers are simply mailing in their efforts until Congress fixes their centuries-old institution. Mailman Jonsey Harth said, “it’s about time we did something about all of this electronic mail, electronic bill payment and some hog [...]
“Who Want’s to Be Deported?” to be Filmed in SGF
Springfield, Mo. - City leaders have announced the first episode of a new show from the National Broadcast Company (NBC) will be filmed in Springfield this fall. In coordination with Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), the new show will be called ‘Let’s Get You ‘Legal’’. Featuring undocumented aliens who will be given eight minutes [...]
