All Entries Tagged With: "breaking news"
Hobo Trap Set Downtown!
Springfield, MO – A giant cage used for catching hobos has been placed on west Phelps Street in downtown Springfield. Baited with loose cans and broken dreams the trap is part of a plan to rid the city streets of unsightly vagabonds. City Officials hope that the new effort will revitalize a once vibrant neighborhood. [...]
Downstream Casino Build On Ancient White Guy Burial Ground
Springfield, MO- Numerous strange occurrences are taking place at Downstream Casio and hotel due to its construction over an ancient burial site filled with ancient white guys. Representatives at the casino assure guest that the alleged haunting are either simply rumors. “I was just relaxing in the lobby and suddenly a white guy, who was [...]
Woman Blows Pants Off at Chili Cook-Off
Springfield, MO – Hundreds of eyewitnesses gave firsthand accounts of a woman who had flatuleted her own pants away at the 32nd Sertoma Chili Cook-Off. Spectators suggest she consumed too much chili for her own good very early in the day and all the beans caught up to her in the end. “I….I was standing [...]
Pope Resigns: Opens Vatican City Theater in Branson
Branson, MO – Head of the Roman Catholic Church Pope Benedict XVI followed up his resignation announcement with surprising news: plans to open a theater in Southwest Missouri. Vatican City Theater will open this March, after all papal duties are completed, for a 6-month run. City officials are eager to lure more aging tourists to [...]
Cattle Heads Stolen From Farm
Marionville, MO – According to a grotesque trail of bovine blood, nearly thirty cattle were decapitated and left for dead in Lawrence County. The heads were completely removed and relocated to another place, far away from their previous location…atop their shoulders. The Lawrence County Sheriff confirmed that 27 head of cattle were stolen from a [...]
Kaleidoscope Offers Mercy Discounts
Springfield, MO – Local curious shop, piercing and tattoo studio, Kaleidoscope, announced plans to offer Mercy Hospital patients up to half off any product or service in the store. Located only a stone’s throw away from the medical campus, hospital patients need only walk a few paces to take advantage of the groovy discounts. “My [...]
Earthlings Overlook Earth Day
Springfield, MO – Most people overlooked the Earth Day celebration in the Ozarks however many took specific actions to impact their direct effect on our local ecosystem. Loni Urtangers said, “I thought long and hard while I showered for 2 hours trying to come up with something I could do to better the environment, then [...]
Titanic Museum Marks 100-Year Disaster with Underwater Exhibit
Branson, MO – Visitors to Branson can now enjoy the first underwater ride-through exhibit opened by the Titanic Museum to mark the 100-year anniversary of the sinking of the infamous ship. A special ceremony introduced the Underwater Titanic exhibit to the public; the underwater ride allows ticket holders to experience firsthand how it felt to [...]
Great Southern Bank Robbed Of Great Southern Treasures
Springfield MO- Priceless artifacts from the great American South were robbed yesterday when an unknown gunman robbed “Great Southern Bank”. The gunman not only took confederate greenbacks, but also the very first vial of moonshine (created from actual harnessed moon light and turpentine), General’s Lee corpse encased in a glass coffin, the original secret recipe [...]
God Okay with Idol Worship in the Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Following the performance of American Idol star Kelly Clarkson last night, several Christians converted to Idol worship. The God of the Universe had planned to strike dead all who are partaking in the pagan cult rituals but God finds Clakson’s music just too catchy and herself to be too cheery to destroy [...]
Hackers Disappointed with Stolen Identities
Springfield, MO – After a recent website attack on springfieldmo.gov, hackers associated with the group “Anonymous” were disappointed to learn that they had stolen personal identification of regular citizens who live regular lives. A spokesperson for “Anonymous” known as Hugh Dunnowmie said, “We were hoping to find personal information on Brad Pitt, Bob Barker or [...]
Jacob vs. Jacobs: Returning KY3 Anchor’s Last Name Debated
Springfield, MO – After serving 5 years in the Army, former co-anchor and reporter Jerry Jacob is returning to KY3 giving Ozarkers the opportunity to mispronounce his last name again. Most KY3 viewers are confident that they know exactly how to say the Jacobs’ name, as he was a trusted and welcomed friend who delivered [...]
Bad Teeth, Use of Phrase “Crikey” Oust British Fugitive in Ozark
Springfield, MO – A British fugitive was recently found in Ozark, MO trying to blend into his local surroundings. Authorities say they were tipped off by local residents as the man smelled of cabbage and haggis. The accused is said to have pulled off the “perfect crime” by driving off in a security van with [...]
