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On Campus Rule Prompts Drury-ville Camps, Lean-tos

Springfield, MO – Following news requiring most students to live on campus, several hooverville-esque tent camps have sprouted around the university grounds. Citing mounting debt concerns, hundreds of students are planning to tough it out on campus in makeshift shelters to abide with the new code. “I’m looking forward to the sense of community we […]

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Group Fart Propels SGF Into the Future

Springfield, MO – The entire population of our fair city was thrust forward into time this weekend after hundreds of people trouser coughed at once while at the 33rd Sertoma Chili Cook Off at the EXPO Center. The consolidated butt honk lurched the entire city into the future by 2.5 seconds. “It was very stange…one […]

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Blowing Wind Generates 10 Years of Energy During One Turbine Job

Springfield, MO – Capitalizing on intense wind speeds, one single wind turbine located off Highway 65 generated enough power to supply the city of Springfield for 10 years in just under one 12-hour shift. The wind gusts kept the fans spinning faster and longer than any previously recorded time in recorded history. “The wind turbine […]

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Farmers Looking Forward to New Farmer’s Park

Springfield, MO – Hundreds of local farmers are eagerly anticipating the opening of new Farmer’s Park this spring. A place to relax and play is exactly what most hard working farmers need during the busy season. Farmer Joe Bronston is envisioning “a large slide where farmers can swoosh down into soft cotton,” and Mary Bilgeratt […]

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Attorney General Investigate Strickland Propane

Jefferson City, MO – Attorney General Chris Koster announced his office is investigating the cause of the recent rise in the price of propane gas, and is focusing the inquiry with Strickland Propane. Dozens of consumers have filed complaints with the Attorney General’s Consumer Protection Division against Strickland Propane, a propane and propane accessories supplier […]

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Chaos Reigns When Federal Hilly-Bill Reserve Loses Funding

Springfield, MO- Due to the government shut down, many federal funding projects are losing not only financial support, but many valued and skilled employees are being furloughed. Nowhere is this more damaging than the Ozark’s own Federally Funding Hilly-Bill Reserve.  With no electricity to power the 5,000 volt fences or no money to pay guards armed […]

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Traffic Report

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August Traffic Report

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Hobo Trap Set Downtown!

Springfield, MO – A giant cage used for catching hobos has been placed on west Phelps Street in downtown Springfield. Baited with loose cans and broken dreams the trap is part of a plan to rid the city streets of unsightly vagabonds. City Officials hope that the new effort will revitalize a once vibrant neighborhood. […]

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March Traffic Report

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Downstream Casino Build On Ancient White Guy Burial Ground

Springfield, MO- Numerous strange occurrences are taking place at Downstream Casio and hotel due to its construction over an ancient burial site filled with ancient white guys. Representatives at the casino assure guest that the alleged haunting are either simply rumors. “I was just relaxing in the lobby and suddenly a white guy, who was […]

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Woman Blows Pants Off at Chili Cook-Off

Springfield, MO – Hundreds of eyewitnesses gave firsthand accounts of a woman who had flatuleted her own pants away at the 32nd Sertoma Chili Cook-Off. Spectators suggest she consumed too much chili for her own good very early in the day and all the beans caught up to her in the end. “I….I was standing […]

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Pope Resigns: Opens Vatican City Theater in Branson

Branson, MO – Head of the Roman Catholic Church Pope Benedict XVI followed up his resignation announcement with surprising news: plans to open a theater in Southwest Missouri. Vatican City Theater will open this March, after all papal duties are completed, for a 6-month run. City officials are eager to lure more aging tourists to […]

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February Horoscopes

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Cattle Heads Stolen From Farm

Marionville, MO – According to a grotesque trail of bovine blood, nearly thirty cattle were decapitated and left for dead in Lawrence County. The heads were completely removed and relocated to another place, far away from their previous location…atop their shoulders. The Lawrence County Sheriff confirmed that 27 head of cattle were stolen from a […]