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RSSArchive for March, 2013

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Old Man Winter Filibusters Winter Until Homosexuals Can Legally Marry

Springfield, MO- With a extra long winter looming over the Ozarks, many are speculating when the warm weather will begin, but according to Old Man Winter, not until Homosexuals have to the right to marry. Old Man Winter is not the only notable figure to change their mind over homosexual marriage. Claire McCaskill also changed […]

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Nixa’s Non-chlorinated Water Totally Safe, Sudden Outbreak of Super Heroes/Villains a Total Coincidences

Nixa, MO- A new study shows that Nixa’s drinking water is totally safe even without any disinfections to purify the water. The 75,000 dollar study shows that even though Nixa has a very large water system, its water is totally safe to drink. On a totally unrelated note, a variety of super heroes and foes […]

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Horrifying Statue Unveiled in Leong’s Honor

Springfield, MO – After Congressman Billy Long presented cashew chicken inventor David Leong with a Congressional Record Statement a horrifying statue was unveiled of Leong made entirely of cashew chicken and bronzed. “What the hell is that?!” screamed everyone in attendance. Several women fainted and many men openly wept at the shockingly terrifying image. The […]

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Officers Equipped with Soap Guns for City Council Meetings

Springfield, MO – Following Mayor Stephen’s recent declaration banning swearing, officers providing protection at City Council meetings will be equipped with a new piece of law enforcement equipment– a soap gun. City leaders worked with the police chief and considered numerous equipment enhancements including Super Soakers filled with soapy water, a fire hose filled with […]

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Springfield Public Schools Buys Fleet of “Imperial Walkers” To Combat Snow Days

Springfield, MO- Due to a stubborn winter that refuses to relent, Springfield Public Schools bought a fleet of “Imperial Walkers” (also known as AT-AT’s) to make sure snow days are no longer an issue. “We will no longer be a slave to old man winter,” said Superintendent Norm Vader while wearing a black cloak that […]

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Hobo Trap Set Downtown!

Springfield, MO – A giant cage used for catching hobos has been placed on west Phelps Street in downtown Springfield. Baited with loose cans and broken dreams the trap is part of a plan to rid the city streets of unsightly vagabonds. City Officials hope that the new effort will revitalize a once vibrant neighborhood. […]

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March Traffic Report

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KOZL Announces 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon

Springfield, MO – Meteorologist Chris Smith is turning his 3 Degree Guarantee contest into a new weekly game of 6 Degrees of SGF Separation from Kevin Bacon. Viewers can simply enter their name and Smith will have five seconds to connect the viewer to American actor Kevin Bacon. According to a station source, the game […]

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Time Traveler Warns Springfield About New Walmart’s Impact

Springfield, MO- A crowd was amazed yesterday when a time traveler hailing from Springfield’s near future decried  the construction of the new Neighborhood market on Campbell Street. The traveler, named Kyle Reese, said that the market will spell doom for downtown, Springfield, and the world. Wearing super futuristic glasses and hair all spiked up and “future […]

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Downstream Casino Build On Ancient White Guy Burial Ground

Springfield, MO- Numerous strange occurrences are taking place at Downstream Casio and hotel due to its construction over an ancient burial site filled with ancient white guys. Representatives at the casino assure guest that the alleged haunting are either simply rumors. “I was just relaxing in the lobby and suddenly a white guy, who was […]

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Springfield Springbreakers Hospitalized For Hyperthermia

Springfield, MO- Many MSU college students did not let the cold weather deter them from their Spring Break plans, unfortunately hyperthermia put a stop to numerous college style hijinks. A number of college students where admitted to the hospital after being exposed to freezing temperatures in hardly any clothing. “It is Spring Break, which means […]

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“Southwest” Missouri State–Airline Purchases Naming Rights to University

Springfield, MO –The arrival of Southwest Airlines to the Ozarks is bringing yet another change – naming rights to Missouri State University. The agreement was announced on Wednesday and many fans and critics were quick to passionately express their feelings regarding the University’s nomenclature. “I’m so excited about the global implications of the new airline […]

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Sperm Donations Boxes Now Available

Springfield, MO – Local donation boxes have recently appeared around the Ozarks with a different type of gift in mind, the gift of life. Sperm donations are rising in popularity and donation boxes are rapidly filling street corners next to traditional donation boxes for clothing, food and shoes. Sperm boxes are spreading in popularity across […]

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Southwest Lands in Southwest Land

Southwest Missouri – Southwest Airlines took another step towards providing service and dominating in all southwestern locations in the continental US by safely landing their Boeing 737 this week at Branson Airport. “It is our vision to be an airline provider to every corner of the world, especially those located within geographical proximity to where […]

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Snake Oil – March