Archive for October, 2013
Child Preparing to Hide Candy from Parents
Springfield, MO – According to playground conversations, 2nd grader Lanie Post is actively putting into motion a plan to keep the best tasting candy out of her parent’s hands during and after Halloween. Claiming past experiences as her motivation, Post is determined to prevent Kit Kats, Reese’s peanut butter cups and Sour Patch Kids from […]
Motivational Speaker Mike McMichaelson
Boobs… What strange appendages and yet, by far, they exceed all other body parts by a landslide for most talked about…at least in my circles. A woman’s breasts are quite a phenomenon in our culture. The “bobbsey twins” are something that women discuss and men gaze at. Why you ask? Who knows? Why do all […]
Zombie Checkpoint Nets Wanted Undead
Springfield, MO – Twenty-two zombie arrests were made during an overnight zombie checkpoint in Greene County Saturday night. The sheriff’s office says more than 580 people were stopped at checkpoints along South Avenue and Harrison Street, as well as at Jefferson and Olive in an attempt to vet out the undead. Of the 22 zombies […]
“That Guy” Doing “That Thing” in Branson
Branson, MO – Troy Evans, widely known as “that guy” is scheduled to appear in Branson to do that thing known as “A Wartime Romance” and “Troy Evans’ Montana Tales”. The limited engagement starts next week and brings several veteran actors from Hollywood to Branson. The most appealing draw to the productions is “that guy” […]
Casper’s New Chilly Summer Menu Unveiled!
Springfield, MO – Thanks to a new ownership, and a new air conditioner unit, iconic downtown diner Casper’s Chili Parlor is preparing to deliver summertime chili to Ozarks area chili aficionados. For years, chili-chumps have had to endure months of agonizing pain waiting for cooler weather to satisfy their quest for the elusive chili-cabra satisfaction. […]
City Utilities Provides First White Dusting of the Season
Springfield, MO – Thanks to a malfunction at City Utilities’ John Twitty Energy Center, a few lucky Ozarkians enjoyed an early dusting of white fluffy stuff to play in. The fly-ash distributed over the area gave kids and adults alike the chance for to break out the winter gear. “It was great,” said Noah Fingertoe, […]
Student Drivers Take “No Text and Drive Pledge” While Driving
Ozark, MO – Studies show that texting while driving impairs a driver in the same manner as being legally intoxicated, a fact that has influenced Ozark High School students to pledge not to text and drive, mostly while driving. “Ah well, pledging and driving is not quite the same as texting and driving,” said Joel […]
Elementary Students Have “the Talk” with Elmer
Nixa, MO – “It’s an uncomfortable conversation that needs to happen at the right time,” said Nixa 2nd grader, Kimmy Nell. “This is clearly his teachable moment.” After Rep. Kevin Elmer sent a tweet saying Nixa schools “fail” for allowing a high school volunteer to wear a Gay-Straight Alliance t-shirt at an elementary school book […]
National Parks Reopen: Deer, Turkey, Wildlife Return to Work
Springfield, MO – Following the reopening of the Federal government, wildlife across the Ozarks have returned to work at parks across the region. Thousands of Ozarks animals were furloughed during the shutdown and many were happy to return to their normal lives. “I was so sick of not working…staying in the cave with about 40 […]
GD Home Restoration Accurately Named
Springfield, MO – Local signage has struck a chord with homeowners looking for restoration, goddammit. GD Home Restorations is recognized as one company that is willing to put the frustrations of home renovations on their shingle, one salty curse word abbreviation at a time. “I saw the sign and thought ‘at least they know what […]
Absolutely No One Plans Government Reopening Celebration
Springfield, MO – A recent poll suggests that absolutely no person alive is planning to celebrate the reopening of the US government once legislative dickbags come to their senses. Most people polled suggested that they felt ass-slapped by their elected leaders who are blockading progress to “stand up for constituents”. Henry Biggins said, “Whoever is […]
Arrowhead Sets World Record for Silence in 2012
Kansas City, MO – It is official, last year the Chiefs set a record at Arrowhead Stadium for being the least loud venue in American football. Team officials only recently revealed that they flew a Guinness World Records official to the Chiefs v. Raiders game in 2012 where fans set the lowest sound record of […]
Shepherd of the Hills Expressway to Close
Branson, MO – In a strange coincidence, The Shepherd of the Hills Expressway will close in a few weeks, around the same time as the last Shepherd of the Hills Outdoor Theatre performance. Citing a rise in insurance, maintenance costs and an increase in elderly drivers, the SotH Expressway will close on Oct. 19th. “The […]
Springfield Create Elite “Over Due Books” Task Force
Springfield, MO – With a country in crippling debt, many Springfield politicians are finding ways to make sure their city does not fall into the same trap. Luckily Springfield officials found a veritable money pit sapping funds from the otherwise tight budget: overdue library books. “We are losing hundreds of dollars a decade on this […]
