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RSSAll Entries in the "Sports" Category

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Free Crowd Concussions Provided at Rugby Match

Springfield, MO – To commemorate the dedicated fans of Springfield Rugby Club, free concussions will be provided at this weekend’s last spring season game. After the match, players will make themselves available in a touch-and-feel scab booth where spectators can run their hands over scabbed knees, elbows and foreheads to better understand and appreciate the […]

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Freshman Left “Campus Alone” When Classmates Go To Atlanta

Springfield, MO- Due to a crazy mix up, Freshman Kevin McCallister was left all alone on the Drury Campus when every other Drury student left to watch the NCAA Division II Championship in Atlanta. “Hello, anyone there?” asked Kevin as he sleepily walked through the campus in his pajamas. “They all left. I am campus […]

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Drury Championship Movie in Works

Springfield, MO- With the Drury Panthers winning the NCAA Division II championship, Hollywood is scrambling to make their Cinderella story to the silver screen.  Universal has already bought the rights and top writers Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtz man (of Transformers fame) are penning the action pack, thrill ride script. “We are really kicking it […]

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Urban Warrior Color Run This Weekend!?

Springfield, MO – According to someone awesome, two epic races have been positioned to collide unexpectedly this weekend to create the Urban Warrior Color Run – a merger of the Springfield Urban Warrior Challenge and the Color Run. Unbeknownst to many race participants, start times and days were misinterpreted to create this one of a […]

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Office Worker Lives A Lie During Bracket Water Cooler Conservation

Springfield, MO- Winston Baxter had to face yet another day of deceit and deception when he had to fake a basic knowledge of NCAA tournament play.  Winston, who knows nothing about any form of sports whatsoever, feels that unless he tricks his fellow co-workers to believe he knows/cares about college basketball  he will not be […]

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Insensitive Wife Totally Forgets Super Bowl

Nixa, MO- Local wife and mother Lily Harslow is in the doghouse today because she forgot the most important day in a man’s year: Super Bowl Sunday. Even though Mrs. Harslow apologized profusely, she knows that it will take a while before her husband’s heart will heal. “I knew it was sometime in February,” states […]

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Super Bowl Party Celebrates Peak Physical Performers By Sloth and Gluttony

Springfield, MO- All across the Springfield area numerous fans are getting ready to celebrate the nation’s top athletics by  sitting and eating. Even though most Springfiendians have no real connections to either teams, they are more than willing to partake in a orgy of friend and fatty foods all in the name of pure athleticism. […]

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Gun Show Sells Out of Guns – Starts Selling Slingshots

Springfield, MO – Gun sales over the weekend exceeded expectations as Ozarkers snatched up every last pistol, rifle, and rocket launcher during the Gun Show at the Ozark Empire Fairgrounds. Pink lady guns to camo covered assault rifles flew off the vendor’s tables into the overjoyed hands of anxious buyers. Arms dealers at the Gun […]

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That Guy From Coldplay Becomes Interim Head Baseball Coach for SBU

BOLIVAR, MO – Word has recently come out that Chris Martin is Southwest Baptist University’s head baseball coach–as in the lead singer for Coldplay. Coldplay, the popular British alt-rock band is on a temporary hiatus, in spite of their continued success, so that Martin can coach at the Bolivar college. “Coldplay will be reluctantly taking […]

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Frozen Turkeys Hidden Along Turkey Trot Route

Springfield, MO – Newcomer to the Ozarks grocery scene, Hy-Vee Inc., plans to give back to the community by donating 200 frozen turkeys to elevate the annual Turkey Trot event. The frozen poultry will be placed along the race route in hidden locations where racers are encouraged to find them and take them home. Racers […]

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Obama Calls It Quits After Redskins Loss

Springfield, MO – The local democratic campaign office has announced that President Obama will not seek another term after the Washington Redskins lost to the Carolina Panthers this past weekend. The report referenced Obama’s decision was based solely upon the Redskins Rule, which has accurately predicted the outcome of every presidential election since 1940. Obama […]

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DopeStrong Bike Syringe Arrives

Springfield, Mo – Local bike shops are anticipating the arrival of a new product made popular by a little-known cyclist named Lance Armstrong. Armstrong launched the product to make doping more convenient for professional riders who compete in one of the dirtiest sports around. The DopeStrong allows riders to strap a doping needle directly to […]

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NFL Hires Sammy B. Good as Referee

Springfield, MO – National Football League (NFL) officials have a new face to help call games – Sammy B. Good. Good was added to the officiating ranks to help add credibility to the struggling replacement refs who have yet to gain the full confidence of NFL players, coaches, fans, people who prefer ballet, aborigines, and […]

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Cox Health Opens “The Cup” Sports Medicine Center

Springfield, MO – Cox Health has opened a new sports medicine center in the Bone & Joint Center on National Street and will be commonly known as the Cup. Cox Health employees will be strictly forbidden to refer to the structure as the Cup, yet many citizens have already latched onto the name. “The Cox […]

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Chicago Cubs Somehow Pave Way to Springfield Cardinals Championship

Springfield, MO – In an ironic twist of fate, the Double-A club affiliate of the freaking Cardinals has won a championship before the Major League Baseball club Chicago Cubs, however, the Cubs organization has placed a grandfather claim to the title as they were the last MLB team to previously have an affiliate in the […]