All Entries in the "Sports" Category
Daly’s Pants Displayed at Murder Rock
Branson, MO – In honor of John Daly’s 6-under-par 66 in the first round of the Open Championship, his outrageous pants have been shipped directly to his Murder Rock Golf and Country Club in the Ozarks. Officially licensed replica trousers will be available for purchase in the coming weeks.
“When John christened Murder Rock playing shirtless, [...]
World Cup Interrupts Weather Report
Springfield, MO—A local ABC-affiliated television station attempted to broadcast a special weather report on Sunday, however, it was interrupted several times by the presentation of FIFA’s final game of the World Cup.
Karl Hirky, a Springfield resident, who was tuned in at the time said, “I like watching the weather in Camdenton, MO so the special [...]
Hooligans at Gastropub Consume Packaged Foods
Springfield, MO—After watching Germany beat England, hooligans demonstrated their displeasure at Farmers Gastropub by consuming processed foods flown in from around the country. The pub opened early for World Cup fans and the owners had no idea that hooligans would disrupt the restaurant after such a poor showing among the English soccer team.
Said one owner, [...]
Raw Emotion Contained By Cubicle
Springfield, MO—Randy Hulstalk* successfully contained his raw emotion for the US National soccer team within his cubicle Wednesday. During the USA v. Algeria FIFA World Cup game, Hulstalk secretly streamed the match on his computer monitor, a major violation of company office policies. He successfully stifled his screams, shouting and even pumped his arms in [...]
Sumbitch Redneck Admits Soccer is “Entertaining”
Springfield, MO—Joe Marshall, local sumbitch redneck, admitted Saturday that watching the FIFA World Cup games were in fact “entertaining as greasin’ up a sow and sticking yams to her face.”
Marshall spent Saturday afternoon watching the United States National team battle it out on the pitch with great enthusiasm. “I wuz watching our boys rip up [...]
MSU Joins Big 12, Bolts for Pac-10
Springfield, MO—The changing landscape of college football has spawned another leap of leagues here in Southwest Missouri. On Friday, Missouri State University announced plans to withdraw from The Gateway Conference to accept a bid into the Big 12 conference. Officials announced the change to the Big 12 during a press conference then immediately followed up [...]
Body Hair Competition This Weekend
Springfield, MO—The first ever Body Hair Competition will be held at Patton Alley Pub immediately after the first ever Springfield Beard and Moustache Competition at 6:30 pm, here in the Ozarks. The Body Hair Competition was created for contestants who are not equipped with enough facial hair to compete in the headlining event.
Body Hair contestants [...]
Brees Completes Speech with 98.4% QB Rating
Springfield, MO—Drew Brees recently spoke at the 14th Annual Steak & Steak Dinner to benefit the Boys & Girls Clubs of Springfield and completed an astonishing 70.6% of his speech with remarkable accuracy. The Super Bowl MVP set a franchise record for speaking in front of people eating steak while raising money for charity.
The Super [...]
Bottle Rocket War in Nixa This Year!
Nixa, MO—Monday night, the Nixa Board of Alderman unanimously voted for an awesome bottle rocket war in their city. Venders are allowed to continue to sell the small sky rockets guided by the mouth of a bottle.
Usually considered a unique hazard, due to their ability to fly in many different directions other than vertically, “bottle [...]
NCAA Bracket Still Good For Something
Springfield, MO—According to reports, 9 out of 10 Ozarkers have a NCAA men’s basketball bracket that was rendered totally useless over the past weekend. Before scrapping the physical evidence of personal guessing stupidity, consider alternate uses for the “page of shame”.
Locals have begun to ban together to add their brackets to the recycling center. “I [...]
Office Worker Bets Future on NCAA Tourney
Springfield, MO—Stuck in a low income, dead-end job, Joan Embers has placed her children’s future on the results of the NCAA Men’s Tournament this week. Placing “$25,000 on a whim is stupid, but placing it on a sure winner is pure genius,” said Embers.
According to Embers, she employed a sophisticated style of selection process by [...]
Hopes Dashed As Local Fraternity Learns Hurling Not An Olympic Event
Springfield, MO—A Missouri State University fraternity learned today their hurling team will not be allowed to participate in the Vancouver 2010 Olympic Winter Games. Rho Rho Rho chapter chairman Biff Martindink told FCN “we have been training for a long damn time and to have a bunch of maple leaf toteing thugs pull the rug [...]
Boomer Bear Totally Whacked Dude With T-Shirt
Springfield, MO—A local Bears fan was totally whacked in the face with a t-shirt propelled by Missouri State University athletic mascot Boomer Bear during the MSU vs. Southern Illinois University game last night. Witnesses said the incident was quite amusing as the fan turned his head right into the whirling wrapped wardrobe shot from a [...]
Tournament of Champions Produces 7 Losers
Springfield, MO—Moral victories will be handed out this weekend at The Tournament of Champions as eight elite basketball teams battle it out to produce seven eventual short comers and one true champion.
TOC execs confessed that “Tournament of Champions” tends to have a more positive spin and sells more tickets than the more accurate named “Tournament [...]
Ice Cycle-Slyde Opens After Snowfall
Springfield, MO—Snowy weather provided the catalyst for a Ice Cycle-Slyde, a new booming business located at the former Hydra Slyde site. Several teenagers attended the grand opening with their inner tubes, plastic sleds, steel runner mini toboggans and snow boards.
“A dude named Chip was taking a $5 entry fee; I don’t think he really worked [...]
