All Entries in the "Business" Category
Small Town Teens Too Busy Texting To Care About Dance Ban
Fair Grove, MO- After a devastating drinking and driving accident where Pastor Lithcow’s only son was nearly killed, the town of Green Oak (a small town 5 miles outside of Fair Grove) decided to ban all unruly teenage behavior. The behavior includes drinking, loud music, and dancing. But, all the teens are too busy texting, [...]
Casinos Eye Indian Ridge Auction
Branson, MO – Several groups have expressed interest in cultivating the land known as Indian Ridge into a world-class casino located in the heartland; the land goes on auction soon and several buyers are preparing their top-dollar bids. “Our people have been cultivating this land for centuries,” said Little Big Hand, an American Native who [...]
SGF Trucking Company to Haul Paterno Statue to Neverland Ranch
Springfield, MO – Local trucking company OptimusPrime has secured the transportation deal to move the statue of Joe Paterno from Happy Valley to Neverland Ranch. The move will take approximately 4 days driving time across the country and will begin early next week. “Fortunately, we found a buyer for the statue,” said a prominent Penn [...]
Drought Causes Sub Par Crop Circles
Xantrax, Alpha Prime System- With the worse drought since 1988 causing numerous corn crops to wither and die, Missouri farmers are heading for hard times. But, the farmers are not the only victims of the drought: aliens from the farthest reaches of the universe are coming to the Ozarks finding that dying corn is not [...]
Paul Bunyan Pissed to Find Wrenches at Rick’s Automotive
Springfield, MO – Famed lumberjack and North American folklore hero Paul Bunyan was extremely pissed to find his missing wrenches at Rick’s Automotive this week. According to sources, Paul rode into town on Babe the Blue Ox, saw a great sign giving temperature and time on Campbell street then realized it was being supported by [...]
Covert Prayer Interferometer Coming Soon!
Springfield, MO – Last night, Fair City News received secret documents from an anonymous source indicating that the Assemblies of God (AOG) headquarters based in Springfield, Missouri, are behind the plans for the new 200 foot tall walk-through cross to be built near Branson. However, the information that has local conspiracy bloggers abuzz is that [...]
Hey mon! ‘Ammons Tower Opens
Springfield, MO – Hammons Hotels Group (HHG) has announced the newly named ‘Ammons Tower is now open and features a uniquely Jamaican theme, which should increase occupancy rates in the very near future. “We found that if we simply removed the first letter of our signage, a new opportunity presented itself. We’re all very excited [...]
Table Rock Lake Summer Movie Series Announced
Branson, MO – The Army Corp. of Engineers announced that it will show movies against the face of Table Rock Mountain for the pleasure of boaters, fishermen, and general water enthusiasts this summer. The TRL Summer Movie Series opens next weekend and will feature The Rock starring Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage. “We have a [...]
Amish Decide To Use Technology Up to 1990’s
Seymour, MO- After years of only using turn of the century technology the Amish community in Seymour, Missouri decided it is time to move into the future. After a council meeting of the Society Elders it was decided that members of the community can use technology up to the mid-90’s. “When we stopped progressing technology [...]
Walmart Sign Goes Up Without the “S”
Springfield, MO – The newest Walmart Neighborhood Market located on Glenstone Avenue is primed and ready to open despite hanging the incorrect signage above the main entrance. According to several hundred passing drivers, the sign in missing the “S” at the end of the word. “I been to Walmarts going on now thirty years. Aight [...]
Google Hipster Car Driving Around SGF
Springfield, MO – In an attempt to battle against Facebook’s purchase of Instagram, Google is planning to release a new ironic view on life in their online maps program. Google’s new Hipster view is planned to be released in early 2013 but Ozarkers are getting an early glimpse at the newest technology used to capture [...]
Hackers Disappointed with Stolen Identities
Springfield, MO – After a recent website attack on springfieldmo.gov, hackers associated with the group “Anonymous” were disappointed to learn that they had stolen personal identification of regular citizens who live regular lives. A spokesperson for “Anonymous” known as Hugh Dunnowmie said, “We were hoping to find personal information on Brad Pitt, Bob Barker or [...]
UNINTELLIGENT WOMAN SURPRISINGLY WORRIED ABOUT EMAIL DELIVERY
Springfield, MO – With the announcement Thursday that the closing of the local Processing and Distribution Center for the U.S. Post Office will be happening sometime this year, local college student Mindy Kapling is being very vocal regarding her concern about her email accounts. “Like, I know if you put a stamp on it and [...]
Celebration – Missouri is the Number 1 State! (in meth busts)
Springfield, MO – It is our privilege to announce that the state of Missouri is first among the Union. Yes, the Show Me state is now the number one state in the continental and non-continental states to lead the nation! It doesn’t really matter what we’re doing to lead the pack, we should revel in [...]
iPod-People Graphic Suggest Ozarkers Obsessed with Death
Springfield, MO – OzarksFirst is featuring a new social commenting graphic that depicts all Ozarkers as death-commenting gossipfuls. “When I look at it I expect the shadow people to be dancing like the iPod commercials, then they spew out these death-dedicated topics…pretty creepy to me,” said Andrea Fazzinoko. The new graphic was created to show [...]
