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RSSArchive for December, 2009

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Gigantic Postcard Lands in Southeast Springfield; Luke Wilson Arrested

Springfield, MO – Residents of southeast Springfield were greeted with calamitous surprise this morning. At approximately 7:25 a.m. a large quarter-mile sized postcard sliced through the Southern Hills neighborhood, crushing fourteen houses and damaging countless others. The massive postcard read, “Spring Has Sprung in Springfield Missouri,” accompanied by a picture of a flowering hillside. News […]

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John Q de Hotelier Statue Announced

Branson, MO—New statue plans were announced today to honor James Quentin Hammons, the holiest of hoteliers. Known as an American businessman and one of the nation’s premier developers of upscale luxury hotels and resorts, “John Q”, has conveyed a message of representing the general public and progress in Springfield, Missouri and beyond. Overlooking Table Rock […]

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Holy Spirit Guides Drunk Home on Christmas

Springfield, MO—Local business man George Humphrey claims the Holy Spirit guided him home after an hours long drinking binge this past Christmas. “It was a miracle that I made it the 30 miles home, I was slamming beers, ripping shots and poppin’ pills like Amy Winehouse. Fortunately, sweet Jesus took the wheel when I headed […]

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Local Tough Guy Holiday Poll

Springfield, MO – Well known watering hole-brawler Frank Esposito was reported polling people in The 13th Step Tavern on Christmas Eve, wondering if anyone, indeed, thought they were better than him. The whole incident began over a misunderstanding earlier in the evening. It turns out that Mr. Esposito had a “regular” bar stool at The […]

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Woman Can’t Tell Difference Between Dora, Kai-Lan

Springfield, MO—Local grandmother Ellen Younger frustrated last minute shoppers as she blocked an isle at the Walmart Independence location trying to decipher if the toy she was holding was Dora or Kai-Lan. “Now this must be Dora,” she said holding a Kai-Lan doll. Her shopping partner Nola Rigsby concurred, then retracted her judgment saying, “well, […]

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Slim Pickin’ for Parking Spots

Springfield, MO—This holiday season Ozarkers are “pickin’ parking spots” aggressively.  Employment of this new method of securing the perfect parking spot in crowded store lots includes use of abusive language, obscene gestures and if needed a common ice pick. Drivers have been seen patrolling lots for several minutes waiting for a prime parking location near […]

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Christmas Spirit Sucks Power, Causes Traffic Congestion While Annoying Neighbors

Springfield, MO—The Christmas spirit has once again affected neighborhood congestion and increased neighbor frustration as Jimmy Kilroy plasters his home and lawn with thousands of holiday lights. Every Christmas, Kilroy spends months decorating his exterior with festive animatronics, hanging hundreds of twinkling light strands and choreographing them to holiday music. Locals flock to Kilroy’s street […]

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Local Bums Ride Train Posing As Santa

Branson, MO— The Branson Scenic Railway’s Polar Express has become overrun with hobos and train jumpers claiming to be Saint Nick. Unsavory transients have flocked to the inaugural officially licensed train ride event near the Branson Landing due to the ease of hitching a ride. “Sure we just go ‘round and come back, but it […]

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Catanese Cast in “POLITICO”

Springfield, MO—Local KY3 political reporter David Catanese has been drafted by the POLITICO machine and will be serving a new function in the organization in January 2010. For the past 5 years Catanese has reported informative political news in a timely fashion to the Ozarks, however, nothing could have prepared him for his new assignment: […]

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Knievel to Perform “James River” Jump at First Night Springfield

Springfield, MO—Ramp construction at Hwy 65 and James River Freeway is nearing the final stages for the Robbie Knievel “James River” jump on December 31st. First Night Springfield organizers are excited to announce that the daredevil has visited the site numerous times to inspect the progress and take measurements prior to his record-breaking jump in […]

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Secret Society Implements Symbol in Springfield Road Construction

Springfield, MO—Conspiracy theorists are claiming that the FreeDiamonds, an underground group in the Ozarks, is implementing a wicked secret symbol in the construction of diverging diamonds into everyday society. The existing and proposed locations of these traffic designs are said to form a satanic goat head with four existing points that represent fire, water, earth […]

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BPS Attraction Rejects US Currency

Springfield, MO— Due to the declining value of the United States dollar, tourism officials at Bass Pro Shops have decided to no longer accept the American currency at the request of King George. Specifically, the Bass Pro Shops alligator, King George, has requested that no US quarters be tossed into his swamp exhibit. He does, […]

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Sonic Releases “Meth Menu” In Missouri

Cape Girardeau, MO—Seeking to steal share from the QSR burger industry, a Sonic restaurant employee developed a stimulating and illegal menu of methamphetamine infused menu items. The new Meth Menu debut was halted by police who were called to the store in Missouri in the wee hours on Thursday morning. The shift manager, 22-year-old Dennis […]

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Riverside Inn’s Ghost Steals, Returns Painting

Ozark, MO—Local haunt Howard Garrison played a final prank on the owners of the Riverside Inn this week by removing belongings from the restaurant. One painting, “View From the Ava Jail” was reported stolen on Sunday, then reappeared on Wednesday. The art was created by Garrison while he was incarcerated in the Douglas County Jail […]

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Lazy Neighbor Activates Ever-Present Holiday Lights

Springfield, MO—Neighborhood scourge, Jimmy Holstein, lit up his omnipresent holiday lights on Tuesday, bringing to life a sting of laziness that has hung on his roof since 2005. “The first year Holstein moved in, we all thought it was very festive that he hung Christmas lights. Then New Years came and went, and then Valentine’s […]