All Entries Tagged With: "comedy"
Developer to De-Booger Hickory Hills for Retail Space
Springfield, MO—A buyer has purchased the former Hickory Hills School and plans to turn it into retail space after a strong de-boogering effort cleans the building. Built in 1951, the structure at 3429 E. Chestnut Expressway has been exposed to nostril snot hiding for nearly sixty years.
“You never know where a wad of slimy goodness [...]
Tanning Tax Talk Tightens, Wrinkles
Springfield, MO—A looming tax may be applied to tanning salons to foot the bill for healthcare reform. Local owners are preparing for the worst by increasing tanning bed fees by 10% to cover the proposed tax, which could take effect this summer.
“I used to think that going to tan was boring, but now that the [...]
Groundhog Day Celebrated via Rotisserie
Springfield, MO—Thousands of Ozarkers will celebrate Groundhog Day by feasting upon the weather-predicting varmint. Chewy yet nutritious, the humble groundhog has been feeding families in the area for decades.
“Used to be we have to go out hunting for the animal, now-a-days we can find them along a side of the road or hiding under the [...]
O’Neal’s Springfield Cage Match To Raise City Funds
Springfield, MO—In light of the recent economic downturn that the entire nation is enduring, Springfield Mayor Jim O’Neal has come up with a unique way to boost both the morale and coffers of the Queen City.
In a bold and unprecedented departure from “politics as usual” Mayor O’Neal has publicly called out the mayors of all [...]
Local Startup Draws Infinite Growth
Joplin, MO- Fresh off their first trade show in Dallas this past weekend, local start-up Wearable Art experienced record tying infinite growth over the previous month, most likely fueling the 115 point rally on Wall Street.
“The exciting dynamic with start-ups is the tremendous growth. GE or Wal-Mart can’t touch the infinite growth rate,” explains co-founder [...]
Mystery Hour Replaces Tonight Show on KY3
Springfield, MO—Citing a need to improve ratings for local late-night news, KY3 has announced that The Mystery Hour will replace The Tonight Show following the Winter Olympics.
Sources say the “Leno effect” played havoc with many of NBC’s more than 200 affiliates, where Leno’s weaker “lead-in” is undermining audiences of 10 p.m. newscasts. News programs are [...]
Emoticons Break Harsh Reality of Fortune Cookie Messages
Ozark, MO—A local Chinese restaurant is using emoticons to break unfortunate fortune cookie messages to customers. Several diners at the River Dragon on Highway 14 in Ozark were introduced to the new after dinner traditional snack and had mixed emotions.
“’:) You make a bad day worse ’ was my awful message when I cracked [...]
Gigantic Postcard Lands in Southeast Springfield; Luke Wilson Arrested
Springfield, MO – Residents of southeast Springfield were greeted with calamitous surprise this morning. At approximately 7:25 a.m. a large quarter-mile sized postcard sliced through the Southern Hills neighborhood, crushing fourteen houses and damaging countless others. The massive postcard read, “Spring Has Sprung in Springfield Missouri,” accompanied by a picture of a flowering hillside.
News of [...]
John Q de Hotelier Statue Announced
Branson, MO—New statue plans were announced today to honor James Quentin Hammons, the holiest of hoteliers. Known as an American businessman and one of the nation’s premier developers of upscale luxury hotels and resorts, “John Q”, has conveyed a message of representing the general public and progress in Springfield, Missouri and beyond.
Overlooking Table Rock Lake, [...]
Woman Can’t Tell Difference Between Dora, Kai-Lan
Springfield, MO—Local grandmother Ellen Younger frustrated last minute shoppers as she blocked an isle at the Walmart Independence location trying to decipher if the toy she was holding was Dora or Kai-Lan.
“Now this must be Dora,” she said holding a Kai-Lan doll. Her shopping partner Nola Rigsby concurred, then retracted her judgment saying, “well, yes [...]
Christmas Spirit Sucks Power, Causes Traffic Congestion While Annoying Neighbors
Springfield, MO—The Christmas spirit has once again affected neighborhood congestion and increased neighbor frustration as Jimmy Kilroy plasters his home and lawn with thousands of holiday lights. Every Christmas, Kilroy spends months decorating his exterior with festive animatronics, hanging hundreds of twinkling light strands and choreographing them to holiday music.
Locals flock to Kilroy’s street to [...]
Catanese Cast in “POLITICO”
Springfield, MO—Local KY3 political reporter David Catanese has been drafted by the POLITICO machine and will be serving a new function in the organization in January 2010. For the past 5 years Catanese has reported informative political news in a timely fashion to the Ozarks, however, nothing could have prepared him for his new assignment: [...]
BPS Attraction Rejects US Currency
Springfield, MO— Due to the declining value of the United States dollar, tourism officials at Bass Pro Shops have decided to no longer accept the American currency at the request of King George. Specifically, the Bass Pro Shops alligator, King George, has requested that no US quarters be tossed into his swamp exhibit. He does, [...]
Lazy Neighbor Activates Ever-Present Holiday Lights
Springfield, MO—Neighborhood scourge, Jimmy Holstein, lit up his omnipresent holiday lights on Tuesday, bringing to life a sting of laziness that has hung on his roof since 2005.
“The first year Holstein moved in, we all thought it was very festive that he hung Christmas lights. Then New Years came and went, and then Valentine’s Day [...]
Area Mob Boss Hit Hard By Recession
by
Flattop Tony Polumbo
Mom and pop businesses have been hit hard by our country’s recent economic downturn, but what about the world’s first mom and pop business, the Mafia? I know, many of you think that during a crisis, the mob is always there to make some money by scamming the local babbos. You couldn’t be [...]
