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RSSAll Entries Tagged With: "Police"

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Ferguson Flash Mob Dance Cancelled

Ferguson, MO – Organizers of a charitable flash mob have cancelled plans for the event which was to be held this Saturday. The group was planning to assemble suddenly in a public place near downtown Ferguson to perform an interpretive dance to “Call Me Maybe” in order to bring attention to a nearby charity. “We […]

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Drowsy Driver Checkpoints This Week

Springfield, MO – In response to the increasing number of drowsy drivers in the Ozarks, checkpoints will be set up this week at undisclosed locations around town by the Springfield Police Department. Drowsy driving, while much less known that drunken driving is equally as dangerous. The Centers for Disease Control & Prevention reports 15-33 percent […]

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Authorities Search for Sidewalk ‘Teabagger’

Springfield, MO – Police have a simple warning for whoever is leaving their mark on all of the freshly poured pedestrian paths: “keep your junk off of our sidewalks”. The recent rash of testicular vandalism was first reported near the corner of Campbell & Walnut Lawn by Edna Lewis. Edna noticed the twin divots when […]

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Criminals Anxiously Await Night Out Celebrations

Springfield, MO – Thousands of local citizens will gather in public places to heighten crime prevention awareness, strengthen neighborhood spirit and police-community partnerships, and generate support for participation in local anticrime programs…while criminals ransack their unoccupied homes. “This is seriously, like the best thing to ever happen to us,” said criminal Bluto Snatchnsuck, “I’m planning […]

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Springfield Police Disarm Man by Train Tracks

Springfield, MO – It was reported recently that Springfield City Police had disarmed a man near the train tracks on N. Kansas Expressway, in what was believed to be a stand-off.  However, in a drastic and dyslexic turn of events, it was found that the man had actually been disarmed by the train itself according […]

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The Best Holiday Spray

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FCN Employee Fired After Un-Funny Statement

Springfield MO -  John Williams a 12 year employee of Fair City News was fired today for non funny statements made to a local television station.  According to questionable sources John Williams was walking his dog in Phelps Grove Park when he was approached by a reporter from KOLR channel 10.  The reporter asked him […]

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Citizens On Patrol: Purse Snatching

Springfield, MO—Incoming Police Chief Paul Williams is impressed that Springfield citizens are responding to his call of a “shared leadership concept”. Recently, a purse snatching episode turning into an arrest due to the heroic actions of a good Samaritan and an alert victim. Williams plans to reinforce his citizens on patrol effort by bringing in […]

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Diners Scramble at Scramblers

Springfield, MO—Scramblers diners were sent scrambling after a rogue driver plowed a gas meter and electrical box. The diners were hustled out of the establishment as a precautionary measure by a manager who shouted “Scramble! Scramble! Get Out!” Scramblers at West Chestnut Expressway was packed at the time and several Customers weren’t immediately sure what […]

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Counterfeit $22 Bills Passed Around Springfield

SPRINGFIELD, MO—The Duece-Duece counterfeit mastermind continues to wreak havoc on the Ozarks local economy. Springfield police have confirmed multiple cases of counterfeit cash being passed in the Ozarks already in 2010. Detectives claim they’ve made several arrests but Duece-Duece counterfeit mastermind is still at large. According to police sketches, the Duece-Duece counterfeiter is a bald […]

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Obese Triplets Rob Three Banks, Fool Police

Rolla, MO—In what was initially thought to be the same man robbing three banks, Missouri law enforcement have identified the “Truffle Shuffle Gang” as a dangerous group of fleshy felons. The endomorphic criminal element took police on, “a ride we’ll never forget,” according to Moberly City Policeman, Kevin Diggs. “We thought it was just one […]

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Sonic Releases “Meth Menu” In Missouri

Cape Girardeau, MO—Seeking to steal share from the QSR burger industry, a Sonic restaurant employee developed a stimulating and illegal menu of methamphetamine infused menu items. The new Meth Menu debut was halted by police who were called to the store in Missouri in the wee hours on Thursday morning. The shift manager, 22-year-old Dennis […]

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One Arrest During 700-Person Brawl

Springfield, MO—It took nearly 50 police officers to settle a brawl involving hundreds of people in downtown Springfield this past weekend leading to one arrest and one pissed police chief. According to the Springfield Police Department the incident began at about 12:45 a.m. with a fight among a large group of people inside Remmingtons Downtown. […]

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Stockton May Bring Back Police Force, Maybe

Stockton, MO—After seven years without a policing entity, Stockton may decide to bring back the boys in blue. Maybe. Perhaps. The city saves $26,000 a year by freeloading on law enforcement from Cedar County. Residents say they’d feel better if a police presence was felt within their community. Criminals say they’d feel better if the […]

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Hobby Lobby Robbery: A Crime in Rhyme

Springfield, MO—Police have issued the following prose in order to catch the thief that Hobby Lobby does oppose. According to police, the Hobby Lobby on Kearney Street was blindsided by a woman, a cheat. She was spotted emptying her purse in the trunk of her car, then entered the store—step one for the burglar. After […]