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RSSArchive for February, 2012

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Hackers Disappointed with Stolen Identities

Springfield, MO – After a recent website attack on springfieldmo.gov, hackers associated with the group “Anonymous” were disappointed to learn that they had stolen personal identification of regular citizens who live regular lives. A spokesperson for “Anonymous” known as Hugh Dunnowmie said, “We were hoping to find personal information on Brad Pitt, Bob Barker or […]

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Extremely Slow Car Chase in our City

Springfield, MO – A fleeing perp in a Chevy Dolt led a mad car chase at speeds up to 45 mph through the streets in our fair city yesterday, while veteran traffic Officer Joe Krupke  adroitly followed in his government issued Dolt. The chase ended abruptly when the speeding dolt’s battery went dead.  Officer Krupke […]

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Horse Meat Processing Plant To Offer Horse-Head Delivery for Mobsters

Mountain Grove, MO- Not only will the new Horse Meat Processing plant give Ozarkians the chance to eat delicious horse meat (with 3 different cuts of horse steak: Sea Biscuit, Secretariat, and War Horse), but give an exciting opportunity to ease the minds of local mobsters. With the plant’s streamlined “horse head” delivery system, mobsters […]

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UNINTELLIGENT WOMAN SURPRISINGLY WORRIED ABOUT EMAIL DELIVERY

Springfield, MO – With the announcement Thursday that the closing of the local Processing and Distribution Center for the U.S. Post Office will be happening sometime this year, local college student Mindy Kapling is being very vocal regarding her concern about her email accounts.  “Like, I know if you put a stamp on it and […]

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Celebration – Missouri is the Number 1 State! (in meth busts)

Springfield, MO – It is our privilege to announce that the state of Missouri is first among the Union. Yes, the Show Me state is now the number one state in the continental and non-continental states to lead the nation! It doesn’t really matter what we’re doing to lead the pack, we should revel in […]

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New Madrid Fault Is A Real Prima Donna

Springfield, MO – The New Madrid fault flexed its muscles yesterday just to show people that it still exists. “Yeah I tossed a 4.0 on they badselves just because I can,” said the fault, “boo-yah humans!” Reports indicate that the New Madrid fault line experiences far less publication than other more popular fault lines in […]

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Escaped KC Gorillas Found At Wonders of Wildlife; Disappointed It Was Closed

Springfield, MO – Kansas City Zoo officials are investigating how two male gorillas escaped and made their way to Wonders of Wildlife in the Ozarks. The two primates were found confused and bewildered inside of the closed exhibit. “One of the gorillas punched our robotic animated bucks in the nose, upon learning that the museum […]

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Jacob vs. Jacobs: Returning KY3 Anchor’s Last Name Debated

Springfield, MO – After serving 5 years in the Army, former co-anchor and reporter Jerry Jacob is returning to KY3 giving Ozarkers the opportunity to mispronounce his last name again. Most KY3 viewers are confident that they know exactly how to say the Jacobs’ name, as he was a trusted and welcomed friend who delivered […]

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Sertoma Cook-Off Tsunami Fart Cloud Warning Issued

Springfield, MO – The National Weather Service of Warning Alerts has issued a level 5 red-hot stinky Fart Cloud Warning effective immediately. The coming Sertoma Chili Cook-off is planned for this weekend and all area citizens are encouraged to take immediate cover to prevent exposure to the terrible anus-produced cloud that is anticipated after the […]

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iPod-People Graphic Suggest Ozarkers Obsessed with Death

Springfield, MO – OzarksFirst is featuring a new social commenting graphic that depicts all Ozarkers as death-commenting gossipfuls. “When I look at it I expect the shadow people to be dancing like the iPod commercials, then they spew out these death-dedicated topics…pretty creepy to me,” said Andrea Fazzinoko. The new graphic was created to show […]

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Man, Not Dancer Stabs Man in Back at Gentleman’s Club

Springfield, MO – Men are accustomed to being stabbed in the back by women at gentlemen’s clubs, however, this past weekend a man actually stabbed another man in the back for a change at Centerfold. Both patrons and employees of the club expressed disbelief that the age-old stereotype has been turned around. “I am used […]

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Springfield Police Disarm Man by Train Tracks

Springfield, MO – It was reported recently that Springfield City Police had disarmed a man near the train tracks on N. Kansas Expressway, in what was believed to be a stand-off.  However, in a drastic and dyslexic turn of events, it was found that the man had actually been disarmed by the train itself according […]

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February Horoscopes

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Bad Teeth, Use of Phrase “Crikey” Oust British Fugitive in Ozark

Springfield, MO – A British fugitive was recently found in Ozark, MO trying to blend into his local surroundings. Authorities say they were tipped off by local residents as the man smelled of cabbage and haggis. The accused is said to have pulled off the “perfect crime” by driving off in a security van with […]

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Snake Oil