All Entries Tagged With: "Ozark"
Boils Advisory for Ozark, MO
Ozark, MO – A problem with the water has prompted a boils advisory for the City of Ozark. The City says the advisory affects residents who have skin, hair follicles or those who are prone to be near bacteria. According to the city’s website, the advisory is in place to slow the boils spread [...]
Lake of the Ozarks Promise “Teenage Massacre Free” Lake Fun
Lake of the Ozarks- With warmer weather and freedom from school beckoning teenagers to engage in dangerous and promiscuous activities, Lake of the Ozarks is promising a summer free from teenage slaughter. The Tourism Board is offering various activities such as: SeaDo rentals, nature hikes, and not being stabbed or eaten by anything. Many are [...]
Political Storm Alert – Santorum and Paul Warning in Ozarks
Springfield, MO – The National Political Service in Springfield has issued a Republican Presidential Candidate warning for Greene County in southwest Missouri until 9pm CST Saturday night. At 5:12 pm trained politician spotters reported several Republican candidates were seen moving towards the Missouri Ozarks. Listen here: Political Storm Warning A political barrage of television advertisements [...]
Hackers Disappointed with Stolen Identities
Springfield, MO – After a recent website attack on springfieldmo.gov, hackers associated with the group “Anonymous” were disappointed to learn that they had stolen personal identification of regular citizens who live regular lives. A spokesperson for “Anonymous” known as Hugh Dunnowmie said, “We were hoping to find personal information on Brad Pitt, Bob Barker or [...]
Sertoma Cook-Off Tsunami Fart Cloud Warning Issued
Springfield, MO – The National Weather Service of Warning Alerts has issued a level 5 red-hot stinky Fart Cloud Warning effective immediately. The coming Sertoma Chili Cook-off is planned for this weekend and all area citizens are encouraged to take immediate cover to prevent exposure to the terrible anus-produced cloud that is anticipated after the [...]
Bad Teeth, Use of Phrase “Crikey” Oust British Fugitive in Ozark
Springfield, MO – A British fugitive was recently found in Ozark, MO trying to blend into his local surroundings. Authorities say they were tipped off by local residents as the man smelled of cabbage and haggis. The accused is said to have pulled off the “perfect crime” by driving off in a security van with [...]
Farmer’s Market Throw-Down
Springfield, MO – GSFM has thrown down the gauntlet, tripped and stabbed themselves in the grass-fed heart following a unanimous decision among a limited group of short-sighted members (about 3 people). Following a closed vote where members were not allowed to voice their opinion, GSFM dictated that anyone wanting to participate in the Farmers Market [...]
Pink Pony, Purple Burrito Collide: Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito Formed
Springfield, MO – In a strange and unexplained coincidence the Pink Pony and Purple Burrito have merged forces to produce a Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito available this week to the Ozarks. The Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito is a hybrid. Part food, part food porn, the 215-pound edible monstrosity comes complete with a stripper jumping out of the [...]
Man Lost for Days Inside Battlefield Mall
Springfield, MO – Jerry Strafford spend the better part of a week trying to find his way out of the Battlefield Mall located in Springfield, MO. Strafford’s wife reported him missing after he went for a drink of water during a shopping spree to find him a new pair of jeans. The labyrinth of straight [...]
More Time to Text & Driving During Bad Weather
Springfield, MO – Drivers experienced more time to text and drive on Tuesday as a slight dusting of snow snarled traffic to a standstill on most major thoroughfares. Barely 1/8” of God’s powder covered city streets signaling the all-clear for creeping vehicle speeds, over-cautious braking and snail’s pace right-hand turns. “Effing shoot me in the [...]
Gun Show at the Pony Club?!
Springfield, MO – According to a nearby billboard the Pony Club will host a Gun Show Oct. 22-23. Normally a male entertainment venue, the Pony Club Gun Show will feature dozens of men flexing their bicep muscles to the beat of rock ‘n roll music to delight the Ozarks’ female population. “You ladies [...]
Pensmore Mansion Swallowed By Sinkhole
Highlandville, MO – The indestructible castle Pensmore, formerly known as Overwatch Manor, was afforded every protection available to architects, however, a good ol’ fashioned Missouri sink hole has provided an unseen set back to the colossal project. This week an enormous sink hole consumed Pensmore in an 800 foot collapse into the Ozark Mountains. [...]
Cinco de Mayonnaise Celebrated in Ozark
Ozark, MO—Phillip Hershaw and Chad Netmeg celebrated Cinco de Mayonnaise on the fifth of May this year as a tribute to the heritage of French culinary arts, which unbeknownst to them, flies directly in the face of Cinco de Mayo, a celebration that commemorates the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle [...]
Old Man Winter Bitch Slaps Ozarks
Springfield, MO—Old Man Winter sat his white, shriveled butt right above the Ozarks yesterday and blew the coldest, most bitter wind onto the area straight from his frigid arse. “I was walking to work and Old Man Winter sucker punched me in the legs with a bitterly cold wind. The dude has old man strength [...]
Riverside Bridge To Be Stored At Heer’s Building Temporarily
Ozark, MO – In light of the recent troubles that have befallen the beloved and beleaguered Riverside Bridge of Christian County, local politicians have devised a seemingly foolproof solution: they intend to store the bridge in the Heer’s Building in downtown Springfield until all of the legal issues can be hammered out. “Really, if you [...]
