All Entries Tagged With: "Ozark"
Farmer’s Market Throw-Down
Springfield, MO – GSFM has thrown down the gauntlet, tripped and stabbed themselves in the grass-fed heart following a unanimous decision among a limited group of short-sighted members (about 3 people). Following a closed vote where members were not allowed to voice their opinion, GSFM dictated that anyone wanting to participate in the Farmers Market [...]
Pink Pony, Purple Burrito Collide: Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito Formed
Springfield, MO – In a strange and unexplained coincidence the Pink Pony and Purple Burrito have merged forces to produce a Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito available this week to the Ozarks. The Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito is a hybrid. Part food, part food porn, the 215-pound edible monstrosity comes complete with a stripper jumping out of the [...]
Man Lost for Days Inside Battlefield Mall
Springfield, MO – Jerry Strafford spend the better part of a week trying to find his way out of the Battlefield Mall located in Springfield, MO. Strafford’s wife reported him missing after he went for a drink of water during a shopping spree to find him a new pair of jeans. The labyrinth of straight [...]
More Time to Text & Driving During Bad Weather
Springfield, MO – Drivers experienced more time to text and drive on Tuesday as a slight dusting of snow snarled traffic to a standstill on most major thoroughfares. Barely 1/8” of God’s powder covered city streets signaling the all-clear for creeping vehicle speeds, over-cautious braking and snail’s pace right-hand turns. “Effing shoot me in the [...]
Gun Show at the Pony Club?!
Springfield, MO – According to a nearby billboard the Pony Club will host a Gun Show Oct. 22-23. Normally a male entertainment venue, the Pony Club Gun Show will feature dozens of men flexing their bicep muscles to the beat of rock ‘n roll music to delight the Ozarks’ female population. “You ladies [...]
Pensmore Mansion Swallowed By Sinkhole
Highlandville, MO – The indestructible castle Pensmore, formerly known as Overwatch Manor, was afforded every protection available to architects, however, a good ol’ fashioned Missouri sink hole has provided an unseen set back to the colossal project. This week an enormous sink hole consumed Pensmore in an 800 foot collapse into the Ozark Mountains. [...]
Cinco de Mayonnaise Celebrated in Ozark
Ozark, MO—Phillip Hershaw and Chad Netmeg celebrated Cinco de Mayonnaise on the fifth of May this year as a tribute to the heritage of French culinary arts, which unbeknownst to them, flies directly in the face of Cinco de Mayo, a celebration that commemorates the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle [...]
Old Man Winter Bitch Slaps Ozarks
Springfield, MO—Old Man Winter sat his white, shriveled butt right above the Ozarks yesterday and blew the coldest, most bitter wind onto the area straight from his frigid arse. “I was walking to work and Old Man Winter sucker punched me in the legs with a bitterly cold wind. The dude has old man strength [...]
Riverside Bridge To Be Stored At Heer’s Building Temporarily
Ozark, MO – In light of the recent troubles that have befallen the beloved and beleaguered Riverside Bridge of Christian County, local politicians have devised a seemingly foolproof solution: they intend to store the bridge in the Heer’s Building in downtown Springfield until all of the legal issues can be hammered out. “Really, if you [...]
Southwest 3 On Its Way
Springfield MO – City officials announced today that the new City Utilities Southwest 2 power plant is such a big hit with the public, that plans for a new Southwest 3 power plant will soon be on its way. “After Southwest 2 was completed, I met with construction and union people and we all agreed [...]
Branson Airport Adds Animal Mounts to Planes
Springfield, MO—Not to be outdone by the Springfield-Branson National Airport’s increase in passengers, the Branson Airport has unveiled plans to add hunting trophies to the interior of each flight arriving and departing from the terminal. “Most airports have distinct personalities, we have a rustic outdoor sporting feel and the taxidermy has been a welcome addition [...]
Emoticons Break Harsh Reality of Fortune Cookie Messages
Ozark, MO—A local Chinese restaurant is using emoticons to break unfortunate fortune cookie messages to customers. Several diners at the River Dragon on Highway 14 in Ozark were introduced to the new after dinner traditional snack and had mixed emotions. “’:) You make a bad day worse ’ was my awful message when I cracked [...]
Riverside Inn’s Ghost Steals, Returns Painting
Ozark, MO—Local haunt Howard Garrison played a final prank on the owners of the Riverside Inn this week by removing belongings from the restaurant. One painting, “View From the Ava Jail” was reported stolen on Sunday, then reappeared on Wednesday. The art was created by Garrison while he was incarcerated in the Douglas County Jail [...]
Fremont Hills to Purchase Surplus Springfield Land
Springfield, MO—The City of Fremont Hills is looking to purchase surplus property from the City of Springfield. Springfield has surplus property that it is looking to discard in exchange for some much needed cash reserves to supplement the Police-Fire Pension Fund. Fremont Hills has placed sealed bids on the first group of properties for sale. [...]
Gator Added To Ozarks’ Monster List
Harrison, AR—MonsterQuest plans to investigate an alligator sighting in the Ozarks’ Lake Harrison. Ever since word spread of the alligator sightings in the lake and a nearby creek, locals have been on the lookout for the elusive creature. “Yeah, I think I’d rather deal with Paul the Nixa Hellhound than an alligator monster in our [...]
