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RSSAll Entries Tagged With: "Ozark"

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Arms Race in Christian County

NIXA, MO – Nixa law enforcement has stepped up its game by acquiring a former military vehicle designed to resist mine explosions and ambushes.  The second Christian County law enforcement group to do so, said Ozark was their inspiration. “The vehicle can best be described as a massive hulk of a vehicle,” said Lt. Buff Nicholson, […]

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Oxygen on Tap at Heritage Cafeteria

Springfield, MO – Diners can now enjoy free tableside oxygen at Springfield’s landmark cafeteria along with food steeped in tradition. The additional service is provided as an incentive to bring in more customers in the ultra-competitive restaurant scene. “We cater to an older generation of customers who appreciate extra details to enhance their experience. The […]

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Student Drivers Take “No Text and Drive Pledge” While Driving

Ozark, MO – Studies show that texting while driving impairs a driver in the same manner as being legally intoxicated, a fact that has influenced Ozark High School students to pledge not to text and drive, mostly while driving. “Ah well, pledging and driving is not quite the same as texting and driving,” said Joel […]

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Lambert’s Employee to Undergo Tommy John Surgery

Ozark, MO – In the past few years, professional baseball has seen an abundance of pitchers having Tommy John surgery. However professional athletes aren’t the only people injuring their arms. Matt Garvey, a roll throwing specialist at Lambert’s Café in Ozark, Missouri, has been throwing rolls with the café for three years, and after a […]

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Boils Advisory for Ozark, MO

  Ozark, MO – A problem with the water has prompted a boils advisory for the City of Ozark. The City says the advisory affects residents who have skin, hair follicles or those who are prone to be near bacteria. According to the city’s website, the advisory is in place to slow the boils spread […]

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Lake of the Ozarks Promise “Teenage Massacre Free” Lake Fun

Lake of the Ozarks- With warmer weather and freedom from school beckoning teenagers to engage in dangerous and promiscuous activities, Lake of the Ozarks is promising a summer free from teenage slaughter. The Tourism Board is offering various activities such as: SeaDo rentals, nature hikes, and not being stabbed or eaten by anything. Many are […]

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Political Storm Alert – Santorum and Paul Warning in Ozarks

Springfield, MO – The National Political Service in Springfield has issued a Republican Presidential Candidate warning for Greene County in southwest Missouri until 9pm CST Saturday night. At 5:12 pm trained politician spotters reported several Republican candidates were seen moving towards the Missouri Ozarks. Listen here: Political Storm Warning A political barrage of television advertisements […]

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Hackers Disappointed with Stolen Identities

Springfield, MO – After a recent website attack on springfieldmo.gov, hackers associated with the group “Anonymous” were disappointed to learn that they had stolen personal identification of regular citizens who live regular lives. A spokesperson for “Anonymous” known as Hugh Dunnowmie said, “We were hoping to find personal information on Brad Pitt, Bob Barker or […]

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Sertoma Cook-Off Tsunami Fart Cloud Warning Issued

Springfield, MO – The National Weather Service of Warning Alerts has issued a level 5 red-hot stinky Fart Cloud Warning effective immediately. The coming Sertoma Chili Cook-off is planned for this weekend and all area citizens are encouraged to take immediate cover to prevent exposure to the terrible anus-produced cloud that is anticipated after the […]

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Bad Teeth, Use of Phrase “Crikey” Oust British Fugitive in Ozark

Springfield, MO – A British fugitive was recently found in Ozark, MO trying to blend into his local surroundings. Authorities say they were tipped off by local residents as the man smelled of cabbage and haggis. The accused is said to have pulled off the “perfect crime” by driving off in a security van with […]

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Farmer’s Market Throw-Down

Springfield, MO – GSFM has thrown down the gauntlet, tripped and stabbed themselves in the grass-fed heart following a unanimous decision among a limited group of short-sighted members (about 3 people). Following a closed vote where members were not allowed to voice their opinion, GSFM dictated that anyone wanting to participate in the Farmers Market […]

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Pink Pony, Purple Burrito Collide: Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito Formed

Springfield, MO – In a strange and unexplained coincidence the Pink Pony and Purple Burrito have merged forces to produce a Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito available this week to the Ozarks. The Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito is a hybrid. Part food, part food porn, the 215-pound edible monstrosity comes complete with a stripper jumping out of the […]

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Man Lost for Days Inside Battlefield Mall

Springfield, MO – Jerry Strafford spend the better part of a week trying to find his way out of the Battlefield Mall located in Springfield, MO. Strafford’s wife reported him missing after he went for a drink of water during a shopping spree to find him a  new pair of jeans. The labyrinth of straight […]

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More Time to Text & Driving During Bad Weather

Springfield, MO – Drivers experienced more time to text and drive on Tuesday as a slight dusting of snow snarled traffic to a standstill on most major thoroughfares. Barely 1/8” of God’s powder covered city streets signaling the all-clear for creeping vehicle speeds, over-cautious braking and snail’s pace right-hand turns. “Effing shoot me in the […]

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Gun Show at the Pony Club?!

  Springfield, MO – According to a nearby billboard the Pony Club will host a Gun Show Oct. 22-23. Normally a male entertainment venue, the Pony Club Gun Show will feature dozens of men flexing their bicep muscles to the beat of rock ‘n roll music to delight the Ozarks’ female population.   “You ladies […]