All Entries in the "Education" Category
4th Graders Hijack School Bus to Escape School
Springfield, MO- 4th graders from Hilldale Elementary staged a daring coup yesterday when they took over a school bus to escape from the horrors of school. The 4th graders, armed with sling-shots and water pistols filled with cat urine held bus driver Hector Barnslow hostage and demanded a new destination. “It was awful,” Hector tells [...]
Parents Rejoice After Dropping School Kids Off
Springfield, MO – The first day of school signals the beginning of individual freedoms for thousands of Ozarks parents across the city. August 15 brings absolute independence from 9-3 Monday – Friday and many parents are eager to taste the sweet liberty that secondary education offers. “F’ yeah – let’s all go to White Water, [...]
Lebanon School District Administrators Placed in Trailers
Lebanon, MO – Parents of special education students were pleased to learn that Lebanon School District administrators were recently placed in an un-air-conditioned trailer behind the school’s campus until they can come up with a plan to properly integrate their children and reverse the segregating their loved ones have been exposed to from the rest [...]
Teachers Prepare for Summer Hibernation
Springfield, MO- With the school year rapidly ending, teachers from across the Ozarks are getting ready for their yearly 3 month hibernation. As most teacherologist and general populace know, teachers have no life other than school so when summer vacation comes around they are no longer needed until the next school year. During this time [...]
Prom King Refuses To Give Up Crown
Springfield, MO- Hilldale High School is on the verge of political unrest and social upheaval with Rex Kingston, last year’s prom king, refusing to give up the crown to one of the 4 court candidates. With the King of Prom succession being a yearly rite, the act of refusing to yield the crown means trouble [...]
Teachers Evil Masterminds Behind Senior Pranks
Springfield, MO – High school students have one month left until they can no longer blame their laziness on a little thing they like to call ‘Senioritis.’ Instead of studying for final exams, they are highly prone to elaborate on all of the knowledge that was given to them by their teachers throughout the past [...]
Sunday School Teacher Sentenced to Life in Hell
Mountain Grove, MO – Douglas County douchebag Brent “Pete” Turley was sentenced to life in Hell by Jesus the Son of Man for his explicit acts upon minors. According to angels, Turley will be required to live eternity in Hell lifting engine blocks tied to his reproductive organ. An especially heinous crime requires an equally [...]
MSU Students Vow To Hunt and Kill Kony for Spring Break
Springfield, MO – With MSU’s Spring Break around the corner, many students are looking forward to relaxation, cutting lose, and visiting love ones. But, some students have a more productive way to spend their vacation: hunting and killing Ugandan warlords. “I was so moved by the Kony 2012 video that I knew I [...]
DRURY BUYS MSU’S EXCESS WATER
Springfield MO.- Drury University announced today that it will purchase water from Missouri State University for 30 years at a price of 12 million dollars per year. Apparently MSU can afford to sell off its excess water since filtered water stations have sprung up all over campus. Water researchers have indicated that more of [...]
Republic Schools Ban Writing Instruments
Republic Mo.- Effective immediately if students in the Republic school system want to jot something down on a piece of paper, they will have to transfer to a school outside the area to do it. School officials have banned the use of pencils,pens and felt tip markers. Spokesman Nick Nosebottom, said in a press [...]
College Students Inconvenienced By Classes
Springfield, MO- With college classes starting this week, many college students dread the fast pace rat race of academia. Many of the students, being out school since May, know they will have trouble getting back to the flow of lectures, labs, and extracurricular activities. “I can’t believe we have to go back already,” states [...]
Bullies Look Forward To Start of School Year
Springfield, MO- Numerous bullies around the Springfield area are very excited to start the new school year. During the summer the bullies have had to make do with harassing neighborhood kids, small animals, siblings, weak step-parents, and cabbage patch dolls. But, now with school starting the bullies can really hone their craft and perfect [...]
Republic Schools Ban “Ungodly” Phone Books
Republic, MO – By a decisive vote of 4-0 the Republic school board decided to ban all phone books from their schools due to the “offensive and ungodly” contents found within. The decision came as a complete shock to all sane people but seemed perfectly acceptable to those who supported the board’s recent decision [...]
Banned Book Becomes Top-Seller in Republic
REPUBLIC (MO) – Two books, “Slaughterhouse Five” by Kurt Vonnegut and “Twenty Boy Summer” by Sarah Ockler, have been banned from Republic High School’s curriculum and library. This decision was inspired by complaints from Missouri State University associate professor of management, Les Scoggins, who claims that the books contain material too shocking for [...]
“BBC” and “CBC” Combine Into New “CBCBCB”
Springfield, MO – In a move to become more efficient, the Board of Governors for Baptist Bible College (BBC) and Central Bible College (CBC) voted unanimously to consolidate resources by merging into the larger CBCBCB. This act will save the two institutions millions in printing costs by reducing the 38 characters in both names down [...]
