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RSSAll Entries in the "Living" Category

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May Horoscopes

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Neon Banking Sign Lights Up Lofts

Springfield, MO – Several downtown loft dwellers were upset following the opening of the Great Southern branch across the street from their building, its neon sign lighting up the night and shining checking offers through their bedroom windows. “At first I was disgusted by the sign, it was so annoying. I couldn’t sleep so I […]

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Horoscopes

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Nixa’s Non-chlorinated Water Totally Safe, Sudden Outbreak of Super Heroes/Villains a Total Coincidences

Nixa, MO- A new study shows that Nixa’s drinking water is totally safe even without any disinfections to purify the water. The 75,000 dollar study shows that even though Nixa has a very large water system, its water is totally safe to drink. On a totally unrelated note, a variety of super heroes and foes […]

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Horrifying Statue Unveiled in Leong’s Honor

Springfield, MO – After Congressman Billy Long presented cashew chicken inventor David Leong with a Congressional Record Statement a horrifying statue was unveiled of Leong made entirely of cashew chicken and bronzed. “What the hell is that?!” screamed everyone in attendance. Several women fainted and many men openly wept at the shockingly terrifying image. The […]

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Sperm Donations Boxes Now Available

Springfield, MO – Local donation boxes have recently appeared around the Ozarks with a different type of gift in mind, the gift of life. Sperm donations are rising in popularity and donation boxes are rapidly filling street corners next to traditional donation boxes for clothing, food and shoes. Sperm boxes are spreading in popularity across […]

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Horoscopes

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Springfield Man Excited About Wowing Wife During This Thursday’s Valentine’s Day

Springfield, MO- Grant Stephens is looking forward to treating his wife extra special this Thursday the 21rst for Valentine’s Day. The flowers are ordered, the restaurant is reserved, and the chocolates are purchased for the special day which is usually celebrated a week early. “I am so excited for this Thursday,” Grant tells FCN. “I […]

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Ark of Healthcare Found at Mercy!

Springfield, MO – Professor Illinois Jones made a significant historical find this week by discovering the Ark of Healthcare, a biblical relic that was long thought to be lost to the annals of time. Too holy to be placed on the ground or touched by one less than elite, one of the Bible’s holiest relics […]

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Woman Blows Pants Off at Chili Cook-Off

Springfield, MO – Hundreds of eyewitnesses gave firsthand accounts of a woman who had flatuleted her own pants away at the 32nd Sertoma Chili Cook-Off. Spectators suggest she consumed too much chili for her own good very early in the day and all the beans caught up to her in the end. “I….I was standing […]

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February Horoscopes

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Shoney’s Closing Upsets Citizens Still Living in the 1980’s

Springfield, MO-  The Springfield and Ozark location of Shoney’s restaurant will be closing to the disappointment of numerous Springfieldians still living in the 1980’s.  The citizens still stuck in the past are now wondering where they will eat while discussing such hot topics as: Gremlins,  Michael J. Fox, the rise of Madonna  and the Challenger […]

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Springfield “Cardinals” and Hammons Field Both Become “Diverging Diamonds”

Springfield, MO - In the continued celebration of all things diverging, officials with Hammons Field and local Minor League Baseball affiliate, The Springfield Cardinals, have made an announcement that, with the help of MODOT, they will redesign the stadium’s field into a diverging diamond as well as adopt it as the new official team name for […]

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Group Flashes Mob at SBC

Springfield, MO – In a strange twist of fate, a rabid mob was chased away by a group of flashing patrons this week. The angry mob had entered the brewery demanding mead and horses but was deterred when diners showed their naked selves. “It was scary. Nobody knew what to do until one person started […]

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AT&T Outage Allows People to Enjoy Lives

Springfield, MO – A regional cellphone outage tied to a national U-verse problem allowed Ozarkians the opportunity to toss their mobile phone for a few hours, free from connectivity to the outside world. “I love AT&T for this outage. I finally had time to listen to my husband instead of zoning out on my phone. […]