All Entries in the "Technology" Category
Gigantic Postcard Lands in Southeast Springfield; Luke Wilson Arrested
Springfield, MO – Residents of southeast Springfield were greeted with calamitous surprise this morning. At approximately 7:25 a.m. a large quarter-mile sized postcard sliced through the Southern Hills neighborhood, crushing fourteen houses and damaging countless others. The massive postcard read, “Spring Has Sprung in Springfield Missouri,” accompanied by a picture of a flowering hillside.
News of [...]
Man Claiming to Have “Moved On” Still Sends Drunk Texts to Ex
Springfield, MO – Kurt Finn, 29, of Nixa woke up on Saturday morning with a headache and these missed texts: WTF?, U left me!, and LOL! YOU ARE SUCH a F*@%!
The night started out like any other Friday evening for Finn, at Trolley’s Grill & Bar in Springfield. He was enjoying some half-price [...]
Loud Bang Caused By CU “Bang” Machine
Springfield, MO—A loud bang near Weaver and Golden was caused by City Utilities’ new “bang” machine.
City Utilities maintains that the machine is operating properly and is in no way malfunctioning. “We purchased a 100 million dollar bang machine because our customers need to hear a spectacular noise from time to time. Who else is going [...]
Nixa Beckons the Internet Fairy
Nixa, MO—The City of Nixa hopes to get commercial high-grade internet service by installing internet fiber lines provided by the internet fairy. Currently, all members of the city council have written letters to the internet fairy asking for the speedy gift of transmitting large files, super-fast emails and quick screen load times.
This idea started after [...]
New Teen Texting & Driving Ban Texted to Teens
Springfield, MO—Last Friday, Governor Jay Nixon sent 6,000 text messages to Springfield teens announcing the new ban in place barring teens from texting while driving. His message simply stated, “NEW BAN 4 TEENS HOO TEXT AN DRIV. DOAN BE DISTRACTD OR IMPAIRD WHILE OPERATIN UR VEHICLE. CALL ME LATR. GOV. NIXON.”
State officials said the [...]
MSU Receives Geek Grant for $248,000 Microscope
Springfield, MO—Biology, physics and chemistry geeks at Missouri State University “flipped their collective shiz-nit” upon learning they received a grant from the National Science Foundation to pay for a $248,350 microscope.
Purchase of a state-of-the-art confocal microscopy system will occur during the fall semester. Upon hearing the news, MSU President Michael T. Nietzel said, “we got [...]
Closed-Captioning in Ozarks Courtrooms
Springfield, MO—Aaron Sachs, Springfield, Missouri Injury Attorney, has expanded his exclusive sponsorship of closed-captioning services on local television stations (KOLR-10, Ozarks Fox and KY3) in the Springfield Missouri Area to all courtrooms as well.
Approximately 1 in 12 people, or criminals, have some sort of difficulty hearing or understanding speech or other sounds. This difficulty increases [...]
Jason Takes Own Life Of Jason
Jason Wert, author of the blog site “Life of Jason,” announced Sunday that he will take the life out of his weblog and will no longer continue recording his thoughts, learnings and information in an online digital format.
“I never would have thought Jason would be associated with blogicide. At least his blog wasn’t found hanging [...]
Man Arrested Collecting Fuel for Time Traveling Auto
JOPLIN, Mo.—A 48-year-old man from Webb City was arrested on charges of stealing restaurant grease. Joplin police said they saw Emmett Lathrop Brown Ph.D on Wednesday morning checking grease tanks at several restaurants and pumping grease out of at least one into a tank on his converted DeLorean.
Police Cpl. Chuck Niess said Brown was confronted [...]
Tourists Can’t Find ProBass on GPS Unit
Springfield—Two local tourists, Hank Bigrow and Jimmy Flagger, took a special trip from their hometown to visit the granddaddy of outdoor sporting worlds on Tuesday. Problem was they couldn’t find it on their global positioning system they relied upon.
“I’d never been to the area so I wasn’t sure where Pro Bass was located,” said Flagger. [...]
