All Entries in the "Technology" Category
Small Town Teens Too Busy Texting To Care About Dance Ban
Fair Grove, MO- After a devastating drinking and driving accident where Pastor Lithcow’s only son was nearly killed, the town of Green Oak (a small town 5 miles outside of Fair Grove) decided to ban all unruly teenage behavior. The behavior includes drinking, loud music, and dancing. But, all the teens are too busy texting, [...]
Covert Prayer Interferometer Coming Soon!
Springfield, MO – Last night, Fair City News received secret documents from an anonymous source indicating that the Assemblies of God (AOG) headquarters based in Springfield, Missouri, are behind the plans for the new 200 foot tall walk-through cross to be built near Branson. However, the information that has local conspiracy bloggers abuzz is that [...]
Amish Decide To Use Technology Up to 1990’s
Seymour, MO- After years of only using turn of the century technology the Amish community in Seymour, Missouri decided it is time to move into the future. After a council meeting of the Society Elders it was decided that members of the community can use technology up to the mid-90’s. “When we stopped progressing technology [...]
Google Hipster Car Driving Around SGF
Springfield, MO – In an attempt to battle against Facebook’s purchase of Instagram, Google is planning to release a new ironic view on life in their online maps program. Google’s new Hipster view is planned to be released in early 2013 but Ozarkers are getting an early glimpse at the newest technology used to capture [...]
Hackers Disappointed with Stolen Identities
Springfield, MO – After a recent website attack on springfieldmo.gov, hackers associated with the group “Anonymous” were disappointed to learn that they had stolen personal identification of regular citizens who live regular lives. A spokesperson for “Anonymous” known as Hugh Dunnowmie said, “We were hoping to find personal information on Brad Pitt, Bob Barker or [...]
UNINTELLIGENT WOMAN SURPRISINGLY WORRIED ABOUT EMAIL DELIVERY
Springfield, MO – With the announcement Thursday that the closing of the local Processing and Distribution Center for the U.S. Post Office will be happening sometime this year, local college student Mindy Kapling is being very vocal regarding her concern about her email accounts. “Like, I know if you put a stamp on it and [...]
iPod-People Graphic Suggest Ozarkers Obsessed with Death
Springfield, MO – OzarksFirst is featuring a new social commenting graphic that depicts all Ozarkers as death-commenting gossipfuls. “When I look at it I expect the shadow people to be dancing like the iPod commercials, then they spew out these death-dedicated topics…pretty creepy to me,” said Andrea Fazzinoko. The new graphic was created to show [...]
Apple Tent Opens at Target
Springfield, MO – Reports of an Apple Store coming to the Ozarks are being held under tarp and rope in the Target parking lot at Primrose & Glenstone. Local shoppers are excitedly anticipating the tent flaps to fly open and Macbook Airs to fly out at discounted prices. Jerry Donwhat said, “Man, I just know [...]
FCN Goes Dark for 24 Hours
Springfield, MO – Fair City News is going dark today not in support of the SOPA and PIPA protest, but to promote world peace. World peace and one hundred million dollars….in unmarked, non-sequentially numbered small denominations. Yes, Fair City News is going dark today for world peace, one hundred million dollars in small unmarked bills [...]
CU Water Tower Located Underground Thanks to God Particle
Springfield, MO – The board of public utilities voted to secure an underground location to house a new water tower. The new tower will be housed 3 miles underground northeast of Highland Springs Country Club near Farm Road 189 and U.S. 60. The board appeased objections to residents living both sides of U.S. 65 near [...]
Netflix Buys Major Video, Focuses on VHS Rentals
Springfield, MO – Attempting to please its Ozarks customer base, Netflix has announced the purchase of Major Video on Glenstone street to serve as a brick and mortar storefront allowing for casual VHS rentals. The news comes just days after Netflix identified sister company Qwikster as an awful idea spawned from the head of [...]
Ozarkians Remember Steve Jobs
Springfield, MO – With the passing of Steve Jobs, the visionary and co-founder of Apple, people from around the Ozarks are remembering his legacy and reflecting on the profound effect he had on their lives. “He made them iThingy’s right?” waxed Norma Grace Dean of Ava, MO, “I seen them once on the television, [...]
Giant Fly Zapper Atop St. John’s Rids City of Mosquitoes
Springfield, MO—A new feature will be added to the cross that resides on St. John’s Hospital this Spring—a new zapper element to eliminate nuisance bugs in the Springfield area. The St. John’s bug zapper, known as Cross Zapper 3000, is anticipated to attract and kill more than 200,000 disease-carrying insects in a single evening. Pending [...]
Nixa Software Opens For Agro-Techs
Nixa, MO—Seven acres of software opened in Christian County on Highway 14 and 160 this week as Nixa Software welcomes digital loving rural customers who will be provided with high-tech gear for getting chores done around the house or the ranch. “I bought my daddy a iPhone holder belt buckle, his phone just slides [...]
Trap Door/Wolf Pit Added To John L. Morris’s Office
Springfield, MO—Last week John L. Morris, owner of Bass Pro, defended a need for trap-door/wolf pit added to his office. “I know due to the tough economic times many higher levels executives are called to tone down superficial items. But, a hidden trap door leading to a wolf pit is an absolute necessity,” stated [...]
