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Desperate Teen Forced to Use Desktop Computer

Springfield, MO- Local Hillcreast High School junior, Zach Slater, faced a horrible crisis yesterday when he had no choice, but to utilize an ancient device known has a “desktop computer.” With his smart phone left at his girlfriend’s house, his tablet’s charger no where to be found, and his Playstation Vita being used by his […]

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Romantic People of Walmart in SGF

SPRINGFIELD (MO) – Many Springfield residents met last week to discuss the pros and cons of building a new Walmart store in the downtown area. After more than an hour of impassioned pleas from the gallery, the Springfield Zoning and Planning Commission recommended approval for a Walmart Neighborhood Market near the intersection of Campbell and […]

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Start-Button Black Hole Discovered In Parking Lot

Springfield, MO – Hundreds of start-button automobile owners are falling victim to the electronic black hole situated miles beneath the parking lot at James River Town Center, a shopping destination on East Independence Street. “We pulled in, parked and shopped at Kohl’s for about 40 minutes. When we came out our new car wouldn’t start. […]

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Local Man Launches New Asocial Network

SPRINGFIELD, MO – Anti-Zuckerbergians across the world may find a new hero here in the good old Ozarks in well-known local entrepreneur Willie Czonka.  Czonka announced recently the launching of a new asocial networking site aptly named InYourFacebook, which promises a creative outlet for curmudgeons, cuckolds, catamounts, cranks and crackpots. “Many of us are thoroughly […]

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 Small Town Teens Too Busy Texting To Care About Dance Ban

Fair Grove, MO- After a devastating drinking and driving accident where Pastor Lithcow’s only son was nearly killed, the town of Green Oak (a small town 5 miles outside of Fair Grove) decided to ban all unruly teenage behavior. The behavior includes drinking, loud music, and dancing. But, all the teens are too busy texting, […]

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Covert Prayer Interferometer Coming Soon!

Springfield, MO – Last night, Fair City News received secret documents from an anonymous source indicating that the Assemblies of God (AOG) headquarters based in Springfield, Missouri, are behind the plans for the new 200 foot tall walk-through cross to be built near Branson.  However, the information that has local conspiracy bloggers abuzz is that […]

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Amish Decide To Use Technology Up to 1990’s

Seymour, MO- After years of only using turn of the century technology the Amish community in Seymour, Missouri decided it is time to move into the future. After a council meeting of the Society Elders it was decided that members of the community can use technology up to the mid-90’s. “When we stopped progressing technology […]

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Google Hipster Car Driving Around SGF

Springfield, MO – In an attempt to battle against Facebook’s purchase of Instagram, Google is planning to release a new ironic view on life in their online maps program. Google’s new Hipster view is planned to be released in early 2013 but Ozarkers are getting an early glimpse at the newest technology used to capture […]

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Hackers Disappointed with Stolen Identities

Springfield, MO – After a recent website attack on springfieldmo.gov, hackers associated with the group “Anonymous” were disappointed to learn that they had stolen personal identification of regular citizens who live regular lives. A spokesperson for “Anonymous” known as Hugh Dunnowmie said, “We were hoping to find personal information on Brad Pitt, Bob Barker or […]

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UNINTELLIGENT WOMAN SURPRISINGLY WORRIED ABOUT EMAIL DELIVERY

Springfield, MO – With the announcement Thursday that the closing of the local Processing and Distribution Center for the U.S. Post Office will be happening sometime this year, local college student Mindy Kapling is being very vocal regarding her concern about her email accounts.  “Like, I know if you put a stamp on it and […]

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iPod-People Graphic Suggest Ozarkers Obsessed with Death

Springfield, MO – OzarksFirst is featuring a new social commenting graphic that depicts all Ozarkers as death-commenting gossipfuls. “When I look at it I expect the shadow people to be dancing like the iPod commercials, then they spew out these death-dedicated topics…pretty creepy to me,” said Andrea Fazzinoko. The new graphic was created to show […]

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Apple Tent Opens at Target

Springfield, MO – Reports of an Apple Store coming to the Ozarks are being held under tarp and rope in the Target parking lot at Primrose & Glenstone. Local shoppers are excitedly anticipating the tent flaps to fly open and Macbook Airs to fly out at discounted prices. Jerry Donwhat said, “Man, I just know […]

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FCN Goes Dark for 24 Hours

Springfield, MO – Fair City News is going dark today not in support of the SOPA and PIPA protest, but to promote world peace. World peace and one hundred million dollars….in unmarked, non-sequentially numbered small denominations. Yes, Fair City News is going dark today for world peace, one hundred million dollars in small unmarked bills […]

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CU Water Tower Located Underground Thanks to God Particle

Springfield, MO – The board of public utilities voted to secure an underground location to house a new water tower. The new tower will be housed 3 miles underground northeast of Highland Springs Country Club near Farm Road 189 and U.S. 60. The board appeased objections to residents living both sides of U.S. 65 near […]

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Netflix Buys Major Video, Focuses on VHS Rentals

  Springfield, MO – Attempting to please its Ozarks customer base, Netflix has announced the purchase of Major Video on Glenstone street to serve as a brick and mortar storefront allowing for casual VHS rentals. The news comes just days after Netflix identified sister company Qwikster as an awful idea spawned from the head of […]