Nixa, MO — Described as a mutated deer, a hybrid fox/wolfman, and even as a hunchback gorilla, tales of the Nixa Hellhound have spread quickly across the Ozarks this year. Though only a few have seen the creature and even fewer claim to have photographic evidence, stories of the beast eating goldfish from backyard ponds and being spotted by drivers near Rivercut have caused interest in the local monster to grow steadily. However, if we are to believe Bobby Crumley, the Hellhound’s identity is a mystery no more.
Early Thursday afternoon, after hearing a discussion of the hellhound on The Morning Buzz on Power 96.5, Billy walked into the Nixa police station and yelled, “Bow down ya sombitches, the Hellhound is here!”
According to the police report, after hearing about the exploits and locations of the Nixa Hellhound, Crumley became convinced that the supposed sightings were merely residents of Christian County catching him in the act of “gettin’ drunker than a drunkard in Drunksville on Drunk Day.”
The report lists Crumley at 5’2” and mentions an “ungodly amount of body hair that made his tank top extend at least 1–2” from his chest and back.” Crumley has admitted to frequently making and consuming his own moonshine and often behaving in odd behavior at the request of his friends.
A brief summary of his confessed activities includes eating live fish from backyard ponds, running naked on or near highways, howling/barking/screaming at the stillness of the night air, and fornicating with trees.
Crumley was released late Thursday afternoon as the authorities had no reason to hold him. When asked how he could be certain that he was the alleged creature, Crumley is quoted as saying that the name made it clear. “When I heard that nickname, ‘the Hellhound’, I knew they were talkin’ about me. Man, back in the day they used to call me ‘Demon Douche’.” When officers told Crumley that this line of reasoning made no sense whatsoever, Crumley responded by ripping his shirt off, whooping, and running out the door into traffic.
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