Jefferson City, MO—Missouri‘s Department of Corrections has announced that the state’s prison population has reached an all-time high amid poor economic conditions. This is the first report from a government agency regarding positive growth since mid-2007.
The Department director attributes the fantastic growth numbers to an increase in criminal activity, due to soul-crushing economic pressures. More Missourians are finding that life is easier behind bars. “They get TV time, workout time and a minimum of 30 minutes in the yard. Oh, plus free meals,” said the Director.
“I was on the outside working for a reputable tax company in 2008 when the floor dropped out from underneath me and I found myself jobless. Jobless led to homeless, homeless led to huffin’ gas from a sock under the Martin Luther King bridge in north Springfield, MO, and huffin’ gas from a sock led to criminal activity. Thankfully, I landed in prison where I can be warm, fed, and sculpt my body into a ripped muscular perfection,” said Arty Newbreed, a Greene County Prison inmate.
If this trend continues, projections show Missouri incarcerations outnumbering the non-criminal population, leading to the question of who’s going to pay for the plush accommodations for economic-dodgers turning to a life of crime.
“I get deep discounts on tattoos in the system as well as spiritual advice from a man named Mohammad in lower lock-down C-18. I’m a better person now that I have no financial obligations and can focus on ‘me’ with every waking hour of my day not impeded by meeting deadlines, quotas or answering to a bottom line. Well, sometimes I have to answer to the bottom line, but that’s usually only a thirty minute exercise,” said Newbreed adjusting his trousers.
The Department of Corrections has recently allowed inmates the opportunity to build new additions onto prison grounds. A group in Southwest Missouri plans to build a bath house complete with hot tub and sauna “so they can relax their criminal tendencies,” said the Department director.
Filed Under: Economy