MO D.O.C. Reports Positive Economic Numbers

Former tax attorney thrilled at incarceration during tough economic times

Jefferson City, MO—Missouri‘s Department of Corrections has announced that the state’s prison population has reached an all-time high amid poor economic conditions. This is the first report from a government agency regarding positive growth since mid-2007.

The Department director attributes the fantastic growth numbers to an increase in criminal activity, due to soul-crushing economic pressures. More Missourians are finding that life is easier behind bars. “They get TV time, workout time and a minimum of 30 minutes in the yard. Oh, plus free meals,” said the Director.

“I was on the outside working for a reputable tax company in 2008 when the floor dropped out from underneath me and I found myself jobless. Jobless led to homeless, homeless led to huffin’ gas from a sock under the Martin Luther King bridge in north Springfield, MO, and huffin’ gas from a sock led to criminal activity. Thankfully, I landed in prison where I can be warm, fed, and sculpt my body into a ripped muscular perfection,” said Arty Newbreed, a Greene County Prison inmate.

If this trend continues, projections show Missouri incarcerations outnumbering the non-criminal population, leading to the question of who’s going to pay for the plush accommodations for economic-dodgers turning to a life of crime.

“I get deep discounts on tattoos in the system as well as spiritual advice from a man named Mohammad in lower lock-down C-18. I’m a better person now that I have no financial obligations and can focus on ‘me’ with every waking hour of my day not impeded by meeting deadlines, quotas or answering to a bottom line. Well, sometimes I have to answer to the bottom line, but that’s usually only a thirty minute exercise,” said Newbreed adjusting his trousers.

The Department of Corrections has recently allowed inmates the opportunity to build new additions onto prison grounds.  A group in Southwest Missouri plans to build a bath house complete with hot tub and sauna “so they can relax their criminal tendencies,” said the Department director.