By G. Etaclue
Springfield is experiencing record numbers of unwanted pets with speculation they are being dropped on the city by aliens.
“Animals are running at large everywhere” said an animal control officer who spoke off the record fearing alien retaliation. “Last week we had 50 complaints about packs of strays stealing hot dogs from Sonic drive-thrus then pooping in newly-planted flower beds. Sure Sonic’s summer weenies are extra tasty, but we have a problem.”
A city official, who also chose to remain anonymouse commented, “There are more @**# spay and nooter programs and shelter thingies than there are dandelions and yet we got animals comin out of our ears. An extraterrestrial force is involved—like ET—except real mean—none of that heart-light *#@*.”
The Southwest Missouri Humane Society, despite its new facility and aggressive sterilization program, is beyond capacity and has been forced to make appointments with people rather than allowing them to simply drop off their garb—their animals.
“It’s got to be aliens,” said a Shelter observer. “Who else but creepy creatures from outer space would make millions of things people don’t want and sprinkle them everywhere—like pepper. Yuck.
Not everyone is convinced of the alien theory, however. Some leftist extremists suggest there may be a correlation between birth rates and the surplus. “Missouri is the number one puppy producer in the United States,” says Mary Aaron, of God For Animals. “That fact means we’re making too many dogs and it reflects a philosophy that conceptualizes dogs as semi-inanimate, disposable, designer objects.”
Missouri legislator Setin Hizwaze began to respond to Aaron’s emotion-laden, liberal gibberish but suddenly left the interview when his skin began to take on a slightly greenish hue.
Filed Under: Living