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Republic Schools Ban Writing Instruments

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"You'll poke your eye out" says School

Republic Mo.-  Effective immediately if students in the Republic school system want to jot something down on a piece of paper, they will have to transfer to a school outside the area to do it.  School officials have banned the use of pencils,pens and felt tip markers.  Spokesman Nick Nosebottom, said in a press conference that they had been considering the ban for quite some time.  “The writing was on the wall.  Now comes the time to erase it.”

Nosebottom stated that due to health and safety issues the ban has been overdue.  “It dawned on us that a pencil, once sharped, can be used as a deadly weapon.  That can be used to put someones eye out.  Also the possibility of getting lead poison is a great concern.  We started taking action last week by removing all the pencil sharpeners in each classroom.”

Ink pens, like weapons and cigarettes, are also not permitted on Republic school property.  “Ink pens can also be used like a pencil knife weapon.  Another thing we didn’t want going on is the grade school kids using the ink to give each other tattoos during recess.”, said Nosebottom.

Finally the last thing to be banned for the moment will be felt tip markers.  “There isn’t a kid alive today that hasn’t taken the cap off those things and tried to snort the tip.  Our studies have shown that is where all drug habits begin.  It starts with a little smell then the next thing you know is some kid is hiding behind the bleachers hacking paint,” the spokesman reported.

Critics of the ban say it sends the wrong message to students.  “Not at all,” said Nosebottom, “If there is a so called message being sent, the message is of the future.  Let’s face the facts.  In this day of computers, texting with smart cell phones, iPads and droids, using pens and pencils seems so 20th century.  Honestly, who is going to be using those things anyway?  Also, for the record we are thinking about banning paper.  Ever get a paper cut?  Those are the worse.”


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  1. Dave says:

    Most public schools banned the use of mimeograph machines many years ago. I can still remember the smell of freshly mimeographed exams. In recent years, other schools and colleges around have successfully banned writings by dead white males without a storm of ridicule and protest, and without outside agitators otherwise known as do-gooders. The school board in this instance simply forgot to mention the death of Mr Vonnegut four years ago. Had they done that, they would have been applauded by the literature education community.