Springfield MO- Haunted house foreclosures in the Ozarks are at an all-time high leaving various ghouls, ghost and other creatures of the night homeless. Because of the foreclosures the abominations of evil are having to move into hotels, stay at relative’s houses, or (in case of trolls) pan handle under a bridge. Many are also trying for government assistant through the ghost of Lincoln and Grover Cleveland.
“I cannot believe it,” said the ghost of a 1920’s factory worker. “You haunt a place for years, and now I am haunting a Starbucks till they close then I haunt the bus station. And I thought the most depression part of my life would be when I died in that industrial accident. Nope, bus station at 3 in the morning.”
The ghost is not only dark denizen facing hardships. Poltergeists are forced to sit at intersections with signs proclaiming, “Will Haunt For Ectoplasm”. Demonic apparitions are no longer beckoning men to kill their families with axes, but tempting house wives to buy the non-low-fat cookies at the grocery store. And vampires, being evicted from their coffin rich basements, must sleep in coffin shaped card board boxes that were once used to deliver coffins.
“You have to take it on day at a time,” sighed Vlad Parksdale, a 5,000 year old vampire. “I have lived through about 278 recessions so I know I can make it through this one. The crowds at the blood lines are horrible though. I have to wait hours for a pint.”
Many of the monsters are moving back to their native soil. Werewolves returning to their packs in Romania, vampires to Transylvania, witches to Britain, and demons back to the bowels of Hell.
“I mean it isn’t perfect. Come on, it is Hell. But, at least it is a warm place to stay. And I do mean very, very warm. Plus we get three square meals of human flesh a day, so no complaints” moaned a demon whose name is unpronounced with the human tongue.
The creatures of the night are hoping to return to their haunting and possessions when the economy gets an upswing, but they are cautiously optimistic.
“Brains, brains,” groaned Hollister McMillion, a recent zombie. “Brains is what will make America great again We just need another Ford, Jobs, or Zuckerberg to get us out of this funk. I want more brains.”
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