Missouri Primary Results Show We Can Waste Money!

Burning money is what Missouri does best

Springfield, MO – Several voters turned out to vote in Missouri’s meaningless Republican primary to prove that Missouri can waste a crap-ton of money on a meaningless and painfully boring activity such as voting for politicians.

“Yeah, voting is so much fun!” sneered Nancy Huffingtonmunch, a nasty old woman who felt compelled to volunteer to count ballots to reduce the wasteful activity. “I figure if I donate my time I can offset some of the wasteful spending and maybe steer our state budget back on track.” Surprisingly, state government officials claim the pointless activity will cost $7 million.

“That’s it huh, just $7 mil to decide diddly-shit? I mean Republican voters are choosing between the big three R’s: Romney, Ricky and Ronnie. The Grinch who stole S. Carolina didn’t even bother to show up. And four candidates who dropped out of the race are on the ballot. They dropped out and are still on the ballot! We should throw Ronald Regan, Teddy Roosevelt and Abe Lincoln on the ballot too. They have better chances of winning than the four quitters because Missouri has a record of electing dead people into office!” screamed Mick Horton.

Lawmakers on both side of the aisle couldn’t be more pleased with the senseless primary. “Democrats and Republicans have squabbled and bantered about for months to not repeal the Feb 7^th law. Now we have united the populace…everyone hates it no matter their political party. You’re welcome Missouri,” said Frank Frankerton, an elected official.

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