Springfield, MO – Professor Illinois Jones made a significant historical find this week by discovering the Ark of Healthcare, a biblical relic that was long thought to be lost to the annals of time. Too holy to be placed on the ground or touched by one less than elite, one of the Bible’s holiest relics has been uncovered beneath the main sidewalk at Mercy’s campus in town.
Professor Jones’ team identified the location by placing an ancient artifact, the Staff of Rx, into the ground near the Cherokee street crosswalk at exactly the right moment when light would refract from the Mercy building’s main glass window revealing the Ark’s location.
Ben Sallah, a skilled excavator, was called in to make the initial dig. “Illy is a good friend of mine. Very, very good man. The Ark. If it is there, at Mercy, then it is something that man was not meant to disturb. Death has always surrounded it. It is not of this earth.”
Abner Ravenwoodsouth, the leading expert on ancient physical health and possessor of the Staff of Rx headpiece mysteriously perished before the location was revealed and his daughter provided the final piece of the puzzle to Illinois Jones only after a fire broke out at her tavern on St. Louis Street.
The contents of the Ark of Healthcare are widely rumored to contain up-to-date personal claims records, free visits to the ER, ancient co-pay tokens and everlasting exemptions to pre-existing conditions.
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