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Locals Disagree Over Use of Train Junk in Jordan Valley Renovations

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Dead hobo bones await inside!

Springfield, MO – Jordan Valley: West Meadows is currently entering the first stages of receiving a major cleanup and redevelopment. The once thriving rail way is being transformed into a new park and greenway for the city of Springfield. Efforts are currently underway to recycle abandoned train garbage and filter soils contaminated by overturned boxcars carrying hazardous waste. But what would seem like measures beneficial to the region has many area residents split down the middle with both support and skepticism.

Details of the city’s transformation strategies have been met with some concern by neighboring locals, who allege that plans include reorganizing decommissioned railroad crap into a new play area for kids. Attractions are to include a swing set made out of splintery railroad ties, a jungle gym of rusty boxcars seething with tetanus bacteria and monkey bars suspended over a pool of radioactive spillage.

Miles Boony, a contractor overseeing the construction of play facilities on the site, insists that parents finally have a great opportunity to let their children explore the harsh realities of sharp edges and nesting habits of rabid animals. He added, “When I was a young’n, all I had was a piece of string tied to a June bug to keep me entertained. But kids that play here got it so much better. And that’s what America is all about.”

Recently, a protest at the site included a short, but rousing speech by Emma Foryth, who later commented, “Some of those old train cars are filled to the brim with razor sharp construction nails and the remains of homeless people.” She later added, “I really don’t want my children playing ‘doctor’ with any real skeletons.”

However, the project is supported by parents who are dissatisfied with the lack of outdoor activity centers for their young ones to learn and play. “In this economy, nothing can be allowed to go to waste, especially industrial waste,” remarked Cam Lipstane, father of thirteen children and advocate of the new park system. “What if one of them happens to fall in some spooky, green muck and turns into a superhero, how would that not be the coolest thing ever?”

Mr. Boony claims the project is scheduled for completion whenever he says it is.

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