Motivational Speaker: Mike McMichaelson

MikeA Keen Observation from Mr. Mike McMichaelson: Adult Hugs

There is no way to avoid these extremely awkward adult salutations.  While 20 years ago when you saw a friend, you might wave or maybe shake their hand.  Well folks, the shake is gone and the adult hug is here to stay.  I have compiled a list of what I believe to be the top 5 adult hugs I have witnessed in the past few months.  Pick your poison…they all make me very uncomfortable.

First, you have the “arm extension.”  There is no actual embrace with this hug.  This is almost always women ages 30 to 45 and is usually considered to be the “girlfriend” greeting.  Not sure why these women don’t go all the way in.

Then, there is the “side hug.”  This is typically performed by someone who really doesn’t like you or doesn’t like hugging.  If that’s the case, the why are they hugging you at all you might ask?  Well, you probably because you went for them like an animal and they didn’t know how to react.  Or, they feel an odd societal push towards something more than a standard greeting.  Either way, this is a bad hug and it is likely that the side hugger will say something bad about you after you walk off.

You also have the “full frontal.”  This is the preferred hug of a creeper.  This is someone who really has no bubble space and/or a male trying for a “boob press.”  A lot of men with mustaches who drive (or have driven) vans with a blacked out bubble window and use Consort For Men will try this move.  With this hug, you are either really close with the person, joking or a total pervert.

This next hug is the worst.  The “bro hug” or, to some, known as the “shake and lean in,” is a terrible reality for young men ages 25-45.  First, you shake and…then…next thing you know…well, you’re hugging.  Why?  What was wrong with the shake?  I guess it just wasn’t good enough.  The only thing that might help you avoid this salutation in the future is the “shake and hold.”  This move is risky and must be applied with ease so as not to offend anyone.  The hand opposite the shaking hand must firmly grip the arm of the other person involved keeping them at “arm’s length.”  Tough move but effective in keeping someone from leaning in for more than you want to give them.

The “slide behind” or “wrap around” is also a very dangerous move.  It usually takes people off guard and can be seen as too aggressive in some hugging circles.  Typically, it is a horned up man that delivers this hug to an unsuspecting woman.  Usually, it is one hand around the neck with hopes of a “genital press” or “brush by.”  This happens a lot at the gym and during the beginning stages of a house party.  Guys are usually using this hug to put out the vibe.

Well, there you have it.  The failure of such moves as the high five and fist bump have led us to this place.  Like it or not, the hug is here to stay.

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