All Entries in the "Living" Category
Traveling Taco Just an Easy Grill
Springfield, MO—The mobile Mexican merchant located on Sunshine street has recently confessed to being “a grille who gets around a lot”. Coming as no surprise local patrons to the whore de taco said, “yeah I mean I know a lot of people who put their dirty mouths on their tacos.” According to the Greene [...]
Springfield Doctors Embrace Fox News Study
Springfield, MO – Patients gathered in waiting rooms across Springfield may be surprised to find out they’re participating in an on-going experiment to measure the short-term effects of watching Fox News Channel. The study requires patients to sit in a waiting room for at least 20 minutes while being exposed to Fox News. When the [...]
Hipster Refuses to Remove Beanie, Suffers Heat Stroke
Springfield, MO – A local resident suffered from a heat stroke yesterday because he was too warmly dressed while walking through downtown Springfield in the humid, 99-degree weather. Jacoby Trapper, a known hipster, reportedly “refused to take off his slouch beanie” despite the heat because he “wasn’t some mainstream sell-out.” “He should have at [...]
Local Couple Gets Married in Order to Have Sex
Springfield (MO) – Jordan Darrow and Cassidy Nash (now Darrow) were married last Saturday in a beautiful ceremony, in Springfield, MO. When asked how the couple knew it was time to “tie the knot,” Darrow (age 20) and his new bride (age 19) agreed: it was time that they finally had sex with each [...]
July Horoscopes
Fair City News is proud to present monthly horoscopes to help readers navigate life’s hills and valleys. Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt
Sidewalk Improv Starting on Glenstone
Springfield, MO— This summer promises to be the most improvisationally-filled sidewalk summer in history as road signs indicate that teams of improv players will be taking to the sidewalks on Glenstone avenue soon. “Ah, yeah I saw the signs for sidewalk improv and I was all like stoked for the hilarity on my walk [...]
Summer Romance Ends At Summer Reunion
Springfield, MO- A budding romance between Amy Boone and Kurt Brower ended yesterday when they both discovered that they are blood relatives. The awkward situation arouse when they decided to “party hop” noticing both their family reunions happened at the same park, at the same day, at the same time. “At first I was [...]
Aliens Suspected in Puppy Proliferation
By G. Etaclue Springfield is experiencing record numbers of unwanted pets with speculation they are being dropped on the city by aliens. “Animals are running at large everywhere” said an animal control officer who spoke off the record fearing alien retaliation. “Last week we had 50 complaints about packs of strays stealing hot dogs from [...]
Battlefield Mall to Stage Reenactment
Springfield, MO – In conjunction with the sesquicentennial of the Civil War, Battlefield Mall will be staging a reenactment commemorating its own civil war. Battlefield Mall is in fact not named for Battlefield Street, nor for the town, or the civil war battles. Battlefield Mall is named for it’s own battle, nearly forgotten to [...]
Mike’s Friends; Dan’s Friends Call For Cease Splashing, End of Dunk War
Chesterfield Aquatic Center, MO- Representatives from Mike’s friends and Dan’s friend called for an end to all splashing, hopefully paving the way to end the 15-minute dunk war. Mike and Dan have been friends since kindergarten, but have grown apart during their 4th grade year leading to some low-key hostilities. The powder keg was [...]
Backwoods “Martha Stewart” Host Delightful Bar-B-Que
Springfield, MO- Billy Ray Grangerford hosted a delightful Bar-B-Que last night according to numerous party guests. Billy, known as the Martha Stewart of the backwoods, has hosted many events from the past such as: Ray’s “Road House” themed bachelor party, “Everywhich way But Loose” movie night complete with “monkey brain” made with food coloring [...]
Major Nic Fit Hits Springfield
Springfield, MO—One day after the no smoking ban was in place the Queen City has exhibited a major case of a nicotine fit. According to Lewis Shamburg, “everybody at Trolley’s was seriously pitchin’ a fit. Totally jonesing for a smoke. Freakin’ out!” Most nightlifters in the downtown district were totally unhinged during the first [...]
Boyfriends Run In Terror As Tent Theatre Opens
Springfield, MO- All across Springfield many boyfriends are hiding in terror as MSU’s Tent Theatre prepares to premier their opening night. The boyfriends are in hiding because they know their girlfriends will mercilessly force them to see one of the three plays and would rather plunge themselves off a cliff than see garish musicals [...]
Food Plate Reveals Future of Food
Springfield, MO—The release of the new USDA Food Plate has Ozarkers excited for the future of cuisine. The 20-year-old Food Pyramid featured photographs of foods, while the new Food Plate shows futuristic foods arranged on a plate in geometric shapes. “I’m so excited that the government released this new guide. Now we’re ready to [...]
June Horoscopes
Fair City News is proud to present monthly horoscopes to help readers navigate life’s hills and valleys. Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt
