Long Wait for Cox South ER

Springfield—After 25 years Cox South plans to open a new ER facility in 2010. Some patients waiting to receive medical treatment at the hospital would say that a quarter of a century is how long they usually wait to see a doctor.

“I had two axe handles wedged in my throat, three gunshot wounds and a fever after the bear attack. I had to wait 12 hours just to fill out paper work last time I was in the Cox ER,” said Tommy Rictor. “If that happens again, I guess I’ll have an updated space to lounge in as I wait…nothing soothes like new architecture.”

In 15 months, roughly the gestation period of a Beluga whale, the new Cox South ER should be open. The new emergency room will feature adult and pediatric trauma bays, heart monitoring observation rooms, a pharmacy, psychiatric-safe areas and a larger enhanced waiting room.

“78,000 square feet. That’s lots more room for our patients with medical emergencies to relax as they wait for professional attention,” CoxHealth CEO said, sighing a breath of relief.

Other features, funded by a major donor gift, include the anti-zombie wing. Doctors will have access to chainsaws, hammers, toasters and old records to throw at the undead.

Also, law kiosks will be available for patients who wish to file suits against negligent doctors. “It’s greatly needed because we have great caregivers in our current ER department but we also have some real losebags who don’t deserve to practice medicine on Cavity Sam,” said Carol Hotengeyer, RN, administrative director of CoxHealth’s emergency departments.

“Is it water on the knee? OPERATION! A whole bucket, see? OPERATION! A Charley Horse, it’s true! OPERATION! I’m the doctor for YOU!,” chanted protestors outside the ceremonial groundbreaking.

“No more chasing ambulances, we have access right here in the building,” says an excited ambulance chasing lawyer. “But like all things at Cox, we’ll have to wait to see how it works out.”

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