Massive Layoffs Exhaust Local Agency Execs

Springfield, MO—After a long day of layoffs, local advertising agency executives find that relaxing with a nice bottle of 1870 Blandy’s Verdelho Solera Madeira is the best way to relieve the stress of swinging the pink slip ax.

“I had to cry for, like, all day,” said one executive. “Fortunately, this really expensive wine I’m bathing in is very soothing on my facial muscles.”

Agency sources confirmed that it was much easier to group all the “layoff crew” into one location to deliver the news instead of taking the time to meet with individual employees 1-on-1. “That would have taken like two days we had so many people to sh*t-can,” said a prominent agency insider who was wiping away crocodile tears with hundred dollar bills, “who am I going to bill for that!?”

Layoffs were administered quickly and without much explanation according to agency sources. “Usually we try to paint with broad strokes, blame the economy, client budgets, etc. We really don’t want to discuss our poor investments and lack of money management. That would be well, irresponsible,” said an upper-echelon exec as she crushed a Faberge Egg and snorted it off a subordinate male employee’s bare chest.

“I’m really surprised that they provided us no information regarding our health care options, life insurance continuance or filing for unemployment,” said one laid off employee who was hustled out the door, head spinning with unanswered questions.

“Additionally, they dangled a piss-poor severance package in exchange for our promise to never bring any charges against them. I’m not saying it is sexist but doesn’t that sound like someone trying to hide something?” said one male employee who was dismissed from a remaining team of all female associates.

“As a company who prides itself on trend analysis, I guess we really should have seen this coming, but damn, I guess we can now positively identify the next new hot trend as ‘Layoffs’,” said one executive as he motioned for someone to write that down, not realizing that the only people left to do the work were the overpaid elite who crushed the company with massive top-heavy, over-inflated salaries.

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