Riverside Inn to Reopen at Side of River

Riverside Inn to reopen at nearby floodplain next to another river

Ozark, MO—Riverside Inn, a staple of Ozark history known for Mary Ellen Marley’s fried chicken recipe and Finley River location, will soon be torn down and relocated to another river side location. Federal Emergency Management Agency granted Christian County a $1.17 million flood mitigation grant to buy — and demolish — the 86-year-old restaurant.

“$1.17 million to demolish a place, that seems a bit excessive. Man, I’d do that every day of the year,” said out of work construction worker sucking on an ant covered branch for sustenance.

Providing fine dining since 1923, Riverside Inn will reopen once a nearby river bank location in a flood plain is established. Owners say, “we’re looking for a suitable place to rebuild. Hopefully, right next to a river…in a flood plain…so we can retain the ambiance of the original location. Ideally we can find a 100-yr flood plain that destroys us every 15 years with dirty, nasty river water.”

Howard Garrison opened the restaurant originally and spent many a night in jail for running a speakeasy during prohibition. After his death, Garrison continued to frequent the joint as a local haunt appearing late at night in dark rooms glowing green and smoking a cigar. Wine glasses were also reportedly thrown against the walls while employees were absent.

“Yeah, we’ll need to have a séance to move ol’ man Howard to the new location,” said an unnamed Riverside Inn employee, ”so he can ‘cut a caper in the Ozarks’ all he wants.”

Reservations will be honored until the restaurant cashes in on the FEMA bailout or will be transferred to the new soon-to-be-flooded location.

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