Lambert’s Roll Breaks Sound Barrier, Injures Thief

A flaming throwed roll breaks sound barrier at restaurant

Ozark, MO—According to reports, the role thrower at Lambert’s Café at Hwy 14 and Hwy 65 threw a hot roll that surpassed the barrier of sound Thursday night. Customers eating their hog jowl, fried okra and liver were alarmed by the sound of a doughy ball of carbohydrates exploding past the sound barrier throughout the restaurant.

Lambert’s confirmed hiring local Major League Baseball pitcher Cole Hamels for a one-night promotion to drive additional customer traffic to the establishment. Looking back, Lambert’s management may have deemed the idea too over the top.

“Oh my lord, it was just like a bomb went off. I spit my chicken livers into Harold’s big gulp ice tea mug and he bit down so hard on his fried chicken that his dentures shattered,” claimed Norma Phinneas, a witness to the roll-splosion.

Hamels spends time in the Ozarks and was willing to help the restaurant with his public appearance. “I really didn’t expect to get a good grip on the roll, but once I figured it out, man I was screaming ‘hawwwt rows’ just like the man taught me to say, then I’d fire off a doughy fastball,” said Hamels.

“We didn’t really factor in Hamels’ arm strength when we booked the Philadelphia Phillies pitcher for the one-night event. Knowing what we know now, a throwed roll can be hurled at much higher speeds than the standard baseball causing serious injury and death,” said one night shift manager.

The night even saw Hamels prevent a dine-and-dash attempt as he slung a roll across the parking lot severing off the offender’s right arm.

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