Man Dies of Good Health

A woman lies dead on a yoga mat after too much exercise

Springfield, MO – A local man was found dead Thursday outside the Roughage Mart health food store on National Street after collapsing from too much health. Wayne Abcruncher, 46, was found by Roughage Mart employee Ashli Wheemonger upon her arrival for work Thursday morning. She said that Abcruncher had been a longtime customer and a familiar face around the store.

“He was always asking my opinion about fish oil fiber and stuff like that,” she said, munching a radish and cowering in the shade. Abcruncher had apparently awoken at dawn, brushed and flossed, swallowed 17 vitamins, applied sunscreen, donned a helmet, and gone on his customary morning jog to the gym, where he had performed his usual two-hour regimen of swimming, Escalator Master, rock climbing, weight training, standing in front of the mirror, and medicine ball juggling. He had then jogged to the Roughage Mart store to stock up on acai bread and electrolyte juice and collapsed outside waiting for the store to open, the victim of an apparent case of severe robust health.

“We used to see cases like this maybe once every five years,” says Dr. Natalie Weldschmerz of St. John Q. Hammons Wellness Clinic. “Back in the days when it was just Richard Simmons, most folks lived a reasonable life span and died of normal things like embarrassment or boredom. But nowadays you can’t turn on a TV without seeing some personal trainer forcing entire families to eat salmon and run laps and do bench
presses. 21st-century Americans aren’t equipped to handle that much non-processed food or exercise anymore. And we are starting to see the net result in the form of an alarming number of good-health-related
hospitalizations and fatalities.”

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